Step Grandparent doesn't really want to be involved.

[Pars1]

I am a remarried divorcee. My wife has older children than me,. Her son and his partner have two children of about 2 and 4. I wish the children well, I understand my wife's interest in them both and I wouldn't expect anything else from her. The children are lovely looking kids and call me grandad but I'm just not that bothered myself. I would much rather spend my free time as I want rather than having to visit (a 3 hour drive) and then suffer the boredom and stress of pretending to be interested in what they are doing (videos or going to the park). I might be viewed as being selfish but I cannot produce the enthusiasm that seems to be expected of me by my wife. I resent this pressure to fit a role (the lovely grandfather) which I feel anything but. Am I all alone with this?

Do they have a real grandad? I mean, is your wife a widow or a divorcee, and is her ex-husband alive and involved if so?

Also, do you mean she has children that are older than you are, or than your children? If you have kids, how old are they and how involved is your wife in their lives?

I don't know how long you have been married, but it sounds like you haven't developed a bond with your grandchildren.

The grandchildren are obviously important to your wife. I think you should support her, and visit the children. Maybe you can meet half way, at a convenient country park. You may find that as they grow older, you'll enjoy their company more, so developing a bond would be good now.

I totally get where you are coming from. Would it cause a huge family scene if you were to let your wife visit her dc and dgc on her own?

If you're not really that bothered, and your dw isn't bothered that you don't want to go, and you're nice to them when you do see them, I can't really see the issue.

It's not the same as you wanting to have nothing to do with dcs that are in your household, that would be awful. These are children who have a family, and probably their own grandad anyway. It's nice that they include you in their family. I hope you treat that as the honour it is.

Has someone else said that they feel offended that you don't visit? Can you stress that you're sure they'd rather have your dw all to themselves?

Your dw needs to know that you think they are lovely, and that you adore the relationship that she has with them, but she shouldn't expect you to have the same relationship with them as she does. You didn't raise their parent and wait expectantly for them to be born (unless you did in which case I might expect more of an attachment).

Do you have your own dcs and gdcs?

All our kids are grown up but hers are a little older than mine. Mine have no children (yet). Mine live/work away as do hers. She is fully interactive with mine and I am with hers whom I really like and get on with. There is absolutely no fraught or difficult relationship that cause us problems apart from my wife being upset at my unwillingness to do the whole grandad thing.

I don't see how forcing you to reluctantly have a close relationship with the gdcs, when you're not really interested, is in the best interests of the children.

None of my grandad were hands on. One not interested at all, the other didn't like children, but liked us when we got older. And they were my actual grandparents.

I think your dw is being unfair trying to crowbar you into a role that you don't want and the gdcs don't need. It can only breed resentment.

None of my grandad should of course read "neither of my granddads"

Wife's mum and dad still around but ex husband lives abroad. Doesn't visit very often but engaged when he does. Also, the other grandad is a step grandad like me but is much, much better at it.

It sounds like they have plenty of genuinely enthusiastic family around them. I can't see them suffering from a lack of active grandparenting from you.

As long as you attend the significant events (birthdays, christenings, weddings), and are kind and friendly when you see them, I can't see a problem with you taking a back seat for more regular visits. As long as you wouldn't expect your dw to contribute more than you do, if/when your own gc are born.