3yo hitting newborn

[mikado1]

I hate to write this but would love to hear voices of reason and experience. 3yo ds is all over his brother-kissing him, stroking him etc and then bam, out of nowhere he hitshim on head and eveven kicks. I have mamanaged to stop him a few times but it is often when I am feeding so I have only one hand and we are snuggled uo on couch all three just prior to it. I know I have to be on the ready the whole time which is my responsibility but at same time I don't want to separate them as want to give ds the message that I expect him to be gentle. Each time I react by checking baby-he has never given more than a whimper-and making this my concern, sometimes leaving the room and then telling ds I won't let him hurt him-I really feel it'satattention seeking and am very aware that ds is going through a tough time with the change to his life particularly since am feeding so much still. I also know he's too young to fully understand what he's doing. I have been making time for just the two of us everyday and just before bedtime tonight haf said I would bring him up (have only managed this maybe twice in last four weeks). Just as he was heading to bed he kicked out at baby who was feeding in my arms. I left the room and told him to go up with dh and get ready for bed, that I was very annoyed and needed to calm down for a few mins-all said very calmly though I was really mad. He was bawling and dh thought I should not have then done bedtime with him as a consequence. I did it though as feel there's even more reason to do it with him and he will only take against baby if I didn't. I also wanted time to think about tbh and am now wondering if I was bu and should have left dh do it. I just feel he is likely going through all sorts of feelings he can't understand and don't want to punish him for that.. The majority of the time he has been fantastic, hopping off to bed each night though baby clearly still up with me, leaving me lie on in morning-I haven't had breakfast with him once in the month, telling him I can't play because I am feedibg etc. Sorry for long post. Wibu? Wwyd?

Sorry op sounds like a tough time your are having but I don't think you are being harsh enough on him.

He is 3 and its hard for him to adjust yes, but he's only got a baby brother, the world isn't ending. Pandering to him too much I think will give him the impression that you are sorry you had another baby and ruined his life.

He CANT hit his brother like that, he just cant, and he needs to be told off properly for it.

Thanks. I don't want him to think I am sorry for giving him a brother but I do want him to know that I understand it's hard.. do you think not bringing him to bed would help him stop the behaviour, which I obviously hate?

Hey OP.

I think your instincts are right in that this is really all about DS1 feeling jealous and worried that he's been replaced.

You're absolutely right to firmly state that hitting is not allowed and to focus on baby initially. But I do then think you need to talk to your DS about how he is feeling and make sure you don't abandon him when he's feeling most overwhelmed and afraid of losing you.

I've been reading a brilliant book recently- Calm Parents, Happy Siblings by Laura Markham. I'm paraphrasing but this is the gist of what she advises for hitting the baby scenarios;
"You hit DS2, that made him sad and scared. Poor Ds2! I'm here to help you whenever you feel angry but we don't hit. You must have been so mad to hurt him like that.... Sometimes big brothers feel scared that their mums don't love them as much as they love the baby, but I couldn't love anyone more than I love you. You are my only Ds1 and I love you so so much etc etc, now, how can we make Ds2 feel better etc".

Sorry if that all sounds a bit OTT but she gives great info on how to cope with sibling rivalry. She runs the ahaparenting.com website and you can get a lot of the above advice there if you want to have a look without having to commit to buying a book.

Best of luck with it!

I would do what you are doing, which I think is fine. I think at this point a short period of disapproval is all that's necessary.

You could try sympathising with him (at times when he hasn't just lamped his brother) " On no baby, do you need feeding/changing/to go down for a nap again, I was just ......... with your big brother. Oh dear, babies are a lot of work aren't they." Unlikely as it sounds this works surprisingly well.

Also, as soon as the baby is capable of focusing point out how much he is watching and admiring his big brother, how much he loves his big brother, how much he also wants to do (insert whatever your ds is doing) but poor him, he can't, he's too little.

This too will pass

XPost with your reply but I'd say that punishing him by not putting him to bed may end up making his resentment of his brother worse. He needs more love and support from you than ever now.

It's not rewarding bad behaviour, it's explaining what's wrong and showing him a better way while reassuring him again how very much you love him.

When my younger dcs were babies this was something that I worried may happen. I made sure that I paid the older dc plenty of attention, leaving the baby cry if needed. I referred to the younger dc as "the baby", much the same as the cat or the table.
I also ensured that the older dcs routine changed as little as possible and never did cuddle time with the baby when they were around.
When feeding the baby I would give the older dc a snack, drink, story, or would talk to them while the played.
I would offer them a cuddle with the baby when I had two hands to catch them with and was able to react quickly to protect both dcs from harm.

Having a new baby competing for your attention is a huge deal to your three yr old. They probably have no idea of why they are hurting the baby. Punishing them for this will in my opinion lead to resentment later on.

Well of course he is seeking attention. He is 3 years old and had you to himself all this time absolutely be is bound to be saying. I'm here too, mummy. Sadly attention seeking seems to manifest itself in a negative light.
It will pass op but are you involving him. Are other relatives making a fuss of him as well. Too often I have seen children albeit unintentionally getting their nose pushed out upon the arrival of a newborn, and people have their head in their hands wondering why the older child is jealous.
So I think the key things are involvement inclusion

I was worried my DS would be jealous when DD was born so would say things like "Is baby crying again - gosh she's noisy". I obviously overdid it because after about a week when I did my usual mild complaint about DD crying DS said, "It's OK. Mummy, she's just hungry. I'll talk to her while you get sorted." I had made a very deliberate attempt that when I was feeding DD I would invite DS to sit beside me to play - or I would read him a story, etc. If he wasn't completely absorbed in something I would ask him to fetch nappies, hand me the wipes etc. and, when possible, DD fitted in to what we would have done anyway.

Your DS1's jealousy will pass but he must be told every time that he has hurt/upset DS2 and that he mustn't do it. I am sure once DS2 is older and finds DS1 fascinating everything will be fine.

Thanks very much. Yes that is the kind of thing I have been saying and exactly why I did bedtime with him. I do feel he is testing to see what I will do/say. I feel like I will be living on my nerves every second watching out for it and on top of that I am terrified he will harm poor ds2 and I will never forgive myself.

I think if they're opposite sexes the older child is less if at all resentful, Flaming, and they tend to get along better.
Because a younger child of the same gender is like a rival to them

Thanks everyone, xpost with lots there. I actually feel it's poor ds2 that is being abandoned! I am giving as much time as possible to ds1, doing all those things you've mentioned above, like I say he was cuddled up beside me feeding when it happened. I don't see how can not do 'cuddle time' when am feeding so much. Everyone got ds1 big brother presents and we have given him great praise. If dh is there however he does remove him from me if he has hit. Like I say I invite him back in asap and expect gentleness which he usually is. Dh was around until thurs and he has taken ds out and about a lot but we are on own now. He starts montessori this week so hopefully that routine will help. I am unfortunately up most of the night because of horrific wind with ds2 so I am useless to him in the morning. I am going to try get out and about more with him, we are so close and know he misses me. He tells me every day how much he loves our 'special time' every day. .

Op you are doing everything right, the only problem is the hitting, which is not on and is putting you on edge.

My dh was three when his baby bro arrived and it was always framed in a way that he had a new role in the family, that he was the big brother l, and he had a very important job to do, a little person to take care of and guard. The new baby was his as much as it was his mum's and dad's, would this sort of approach work do you think? He may be less inclined to hurt him for attention then? Sorry if its something you have already tried

Thanks ollie for saying that, I am almost tears between it all. I purposely didn't over egg the big brother bit because didn't want ds
1 to have to be big boy if he didn't want to.. will give it a go. I am gettingready here ffor another night of writhing and feeding and repeat. .

I've been going through the same thing with DD1, she's 3.5, baby is 4.5 months, she is very heavy handed with DD2 and she hits and kicks out of frustration. I got the outreach worker from our sure start centre over because when stuff like that happens you immediately tell yourself that it's your fault and that you're a bad mum. Firstly, it's a HUGE adjustment. Secondly, this is the age when they start to assert themselves and are struggling to handle emotions. Also, this age gap is so difficult for the first year but once they can play together and everything has settled it will be so much easier.
We've been focussing on getting her to help our with baby, even little things like fetching baby wipes, and then really ladling on the praise and making sure she has her own little area in the living room where she has HER things and have used reward charts. Also, I may be lynched for this, but have you tried timeouts/naughty step? If you're BF try a special box/basket with books and snacks etc so he can sit next to you and have a chat and a story whilst you're feeding.
It gets better. The first bit is utter shite but it gets so much better xx

Completely cross-posted, sorry!

Thanks discopanda. Glad I'm not the only one! You just reminded me I ordered some nice sticker books months ago to have for now, must root them out. Sounds terrible but wish I could fast forward the next fee months and get us all safe and sound out the other side!!

A baby bjorn or sling might help so you can get stuff done whilst rocking baby and keeping him out of reach of the bigger one. Also, The Works is great for cheap toys, book, craft stuff etc as treats and to keep their hands busy. It gets better!

When I read your thread there was so much I wanted to say, but other posters have said it all brilliantly, so I don't have much to add (there are BRILLIANT posts on this thread). The only thing I'd add is one of my BFs has 3 DDs and her line when one is not nice to another is "xxx! Do you want to think about what you've done to yyy, and how she feels about it? Is there anything you want to say to yyy?" My friend says she NEVER "makes" one child apologise to another child, because it's just a word, but she does invite them to think about what they might want to say.

I think this is brilliant, and in the main, it works for her 3 DDs

Good luck, and - like others - I don't think you are doing anything wrong!

Thanks again. I have a sling but so far ds2 is not too keen. I don't force apologise at all either, sometimes say 'How could you make it better?' and twice he has come in after a hit and said sorry or asked baby if he's ok.. ! Anyway feeling better today and took the two out for the morning for a cycle and a walk and we stopped off for bagels and had a lovely time. Feels better to be out and about anyway so will try keep it up as much as possible.

I'd come down hard on that behaviour. You can't have him doing anything potentially dangerous to the baby. What if you weren't looking and he really hurt him. Don't be afraid to discipline. A firm word and removal from the situation. You may be afraid that you are compounding a feeling that his brother has taken over but I my own experience children are far smarter than we give them credit for and are more likely to use your indecision about how to discipline and hurting his feelings to their advantage. I am always careful to fully stop and discipline unacceptable behaviour from my 2.5yr old to the baby but also show him a lot of love at all other times. I also make sure to show him that he gets time of his own too by saying 'no baby, I'm bust with toddler right now, you'll have to wait' etc. By not disciplining him properly you are giving the message that he is more important than the baby. You need him to understand that they are both important. I have also found it important to show love openly to the baby I front of him as he follows our lead and sees her now as something precious to him too. He still gets a dig in occasionally when feeling rowdy, over excited or grumpy but he knows well it's wrong and he'll be punished for it.

Sorry had missed a page of replies! But in response to your follow on messages, don't be afraid to show huge love to the new baby and prioritise it sometimes in front of your older child.