Need some perspective.
18 months ago, I had a nervous breakdown. I have not been able to work for all this time. I spent a short time in a psychiatric unit and was very unwell for about 6 months. Over the past year, I have been slowly healing. I’ve had psychotherapy, joined the gym and got fit, started to feel well and like myself again.
I started to feel ready to return to some sort of work by late Spring this year, and was lucky enough to find a position I’m really excited about that fits in well with my life and offers a gentle entry back into work (part-time, local etc). I start next week and I am really looking forward to it, however, the prospect of work is also quite daunting after what I have been through.
DH and I have to coordinate our working lives with childcare for two children, one of whom has a complex, severe disability and can only be cared for by one of us or my mum. Childcare is a struggle and DH is self employed, which has pluses (can do the school run a couple of times a week, for example), but also downsides (he works weekends quite often, and is away for work regularly). I know from past experience that time is quite hard to organise sometimes because of all this, it can be stressful, and I really want to try to get it right this time - not to let stress get on top of me, not to let things get out of control.
Today, DH announced that / sort of half ‘asked’ if it was Ok with me that he goes abroad for work on the day I start my new job, for 10 days. Its a contract that has come up for him (self employed) that he is really excited about, will be great for his business, and pays well. He has been (and will continue to be for the short term at least) the main breadwinner in our family. He is also a really supportive partner to me generally, and helped me through my darkest times when I was ill.
I said it was fine, after asking my mum if she could help out with childcare, but I said half jokingly at the end of the convo ‘when you get back, you owe me one!’. I don’t know why I said it, really, it just blurted out and DH really got the hump with me and said ‘I thought you would be pleased I have got this opportunity and will be bringing in good money’. I said of course I was pleased, well done etc, I am proud, but that I was feeling really fragile about starting work, I hadn’t expected that he would be away for the first two weeks of my new job (his trip will straddle the days each week I work) and that I was fine, it was all OK…I just wanted him to realise it was a big deal for me, thats all. And that it was going to be quite tough, or potentially might be.
It all came out wrong and I sounded like a needy, babyish idiot when I said it. I wasn’t trying to guilt trip him. I guess I just wanted to him to acknowledge that it would be quite daunting for me, looking after both kids (its mostly my DS, who has complex needs and severe behavioural issues, and tends to kick off quite badly when his Dad is away for more than a few days...), starting a new job etc without his practical and emotional support.
I can’t work out if I am being pathetic not to just say ‘Great! See you in in two weeks!', or he is being insensitive to not realise it might be difficult for me.
He is back soon to discuss things and I am feeling disproportionately angry and upset and don't know if AIBU (or being a complete knob).