AIBU- to change the name?

[bettyboo1984]

Hi everyone,

I am a first time mum to a beautiful 4.5 month old girl. I am struggling with PND at the moment and would like some views on something that is bothering me. I am not sure if I am being unreasonable or if being depressed/anxious and having a few other worries is clouding my judgement.

The problem involves my Dad and the name I have given my little girl.

Just for background- my Dad is a lovely man but he is very hard to please. He has never said he loves me or is proud of me (although apparently he will tell other people he is) and I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to get his approval. A lot of these issues came out when I got pregnant and started thinking about my own childhood.

My daughters first name is the same as my husbands grandmother. She died shortly before our dd was born but also had a very quirky and cool name which my dh and I both loved. When we were deciding on the middle name, I really wanted to use my deceased maternal grandmothers name, however it didn't quite 'fit' with the first name so I ruled it out. We ended up using my paternal grandmothers middle name. I didn't know her (she died before I was born) but I always quite liked her middle name, and also I thought it would be a nice way to honour my Dad.

When the baby was born and we announced the name in the hospital, my husbands family were thrilled and said it was a great honour. My dad didn't say a word. When I asked him a few days later if he liked the name being his mum's, he said "hmm, yeah I suppose so". Then a little while later he said "She hated that name". Two of my uncles also said the same thing when they were told the name.

I was quite hurt by his reaction. I jokingly said perhaps I should change it to something else then and he said it was my decision but if I did, he would still tell everyone the middle name was his mums.

Since then it has bothered me. Although I like my dds middle name, every time I see it, it makes me think of what my Dad said and how I have spent my whole life trying, and failing, to get his approval. What makes it worse is that my mum has been diagnosed with a serious illness in the past couple of months and I keep going over and over in my head how I wish I could go with my original plan and change my dds middle name to honour my mums side of the family and my maternal grandmother who I was actually very close to.

Since the birth, I have heard the Spanish pronunciation of my maternal grandmothers name (my husband is Spanish) and it sounds perfect with the first name. I am now seriously thinking about changing the middle name to my maternal grandmothers name. I know this is quite easy to do before the baby is 12 months old and my husband said he is happy for it to be changed, although he doesn't want to offend my dad.

It would quite clearly hurt my dads feelings though based on his reaction when I joked about changing it.

Sorry, I know all this probably sounds really trivial and I have much bigger things to be worrying about but what with the PND, my mums diagnosis and the issues coming up about my dad, it has spiralled into a massive issue in my head, much bigger really than the issue of just a name and I just can't make a rational decision.

So what I want to ask is- AIBU to want to change the middle name? WIBU to change it and just not tell my Dad (as its the middle name, he would probably never find out anyway)?

Would appreciate your thoughts.

Forget what other people think - it really doesn't matter. Does the name suit your DD? If it does, then fine. Why not add the other name instead of changing it? Lots of people have two 'middle' names.

I was going to suggest the same as Seeline - add a name from your maternal side instead. If you remove the name you are likely to offend and that could open a whole can of worms with your dad.

He's a sod for being so horrible about it though.

My children have two middle names, for similar reasons.

Bless you - you have a 4.5 month old baby and are having to deal with ridiculous family pressure.

Ignore your dad and enjoy your baby and her chosen names , stick to you guns. From what you've said whatever names you choose will not meet with your dads approval.

I would but being half-Spanish, my daughter already has 2 surnames. She would have had 3 surnames and a first name if my husband had his way but we 'negotiated' down to a first name, a middle name and 2 surnames (mine and his).

…is a first name, 2 middle names and 2 surnames too much?!

My DF has a first name, 3 middle names and 3 surnames! She doesn't have to use them all.

Can I ask? Is it Hyacynth? If so I love the Spanish version.
You're not being unreasonable, he was quite ungracious, but you are over thinking it. Quite understandable with pmt. If you like it, stick with it. It's a middle name, will hardly ever be used. Just let it go, and get yourself back to normal.

My DD has 3 middle names, and a double barreled surname. I know lots of MNetters will be hoisting up their judgy pants at that, but I love it. Her name flows beautifully, she has her first name that we both love, then my middle name, then her paternal and then maternal grandmothers middle name, Daddy is to blame for the double barreled surname!
I think that so long as its a decision you are comfortable with, then go for it.
Personally I would add the other name in, & maybe use a variation on the current middle name.

sorry, posted that before I saw your response DameMargaretofChalfont.

I do feel like I am worrying about everyone else's opinion. Maybe if I was feeling stronger, I would have said "thats a shame cos I've always liked it" when my dad said his mum hated the name. It's clouded by feeling like whatever I do is never good enough for my dad and feeling that I've let my mum and granny down by not using the maternal name.

Would like to just add the additional name but as in my post above, think it would be a bit crazy with that amount of names and also don't think my dh would agree as he already dropped one of his surnames when we came up with our dds full name so she wouldn't have 5 names.

I'm well aware this could be the PND causing me to think badly of myself/question everything I'm doing as a Mother.

These responses are really helpful, thanks.

I have a first name, 3 middle names, and 2 surnames. Apart from there rarely being suffficient space on government forms to write my name in full, I don't feel burdened by them and the more names your dd has, the more choice she'll have if she doesn't like her 1st one.

YANBU to change or add to your dd's names before she's 12 months old, and there's no reason whatsoever why you should tell your dad.

Julia is a beautiful name which also sounds lovely when pronounced Hulia by the Spanish. Catalina is the Spanish equivalent of Catherine/Katherine and Hyacinth becomes Jacinto - pronounced Hathinto in Spain and Hasinto in the Spanish speaking South American countries.

wow, lots of responses thank you so much!

I think adding the extra name would definitely be the best solution. We thought at the time I was pregnant that 5 names was too much but it would definitely make me feel better. I'll speak to dh and see what he says. Also, regarding the amount of names, I have actually noticed that in official situations (i.e. the doctors) they seem to only use my dds first and last name anyway so it technically doesn't really matter how many middle names she has got. And when she goes to school, I would probably only be using her first and last name for most things.

I agree i am definitely over thinking the situation with my dad. I love him to bits but he can be quite emotionally stunted, bless him.