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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect *something* in return?

48 replies

Luckything50 · 27/08/2015 16:12

An elderly relative lives within a few miles of central london and she invited a friend of mine, with her husband and 2 kids, to stay for a week over the holidays whilst I was there with my family. This relative provided all meals barring a few lunches, although we all helped with the cooking, and we went on several outings that I had organised. This is the second year they have stayed, and I suspect they won't be invited again... They arrived totally empty handed (although split a supermarket shop with me when we got there) should have paid for all of it? were pretty much waited on and entertained for a week, and last year they sent a small bouquet two weeks later to said relative in thanks. Nothing this year as yet, although relative is now here with me and could have been invited round/offered a dinner/bloody anything frankly ... AIBU to be infuriated at such ingratitude? My friend is usually lovely and very sensitive, am I being selfish? Tbh I can't helping thinking that if I had saved possibly thousands in accommodation/meals I'd be desperate to show gratitude. Apologies for the length of this, I'm so angry with her.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 27/08/2015 16:18

Would it really cost thousands to stay for a week in central london? Confused

Anyway, YANBU, they should have brought or sent a gift as a thank you. They did split the shopping though which is fair enough if two families were staying. Did they pay their own admittance on the outings? What happened on the "few lunches" that werent made for them?

Spartans · 27/08/2015 16:22

I have just been to London for a week it didn't cost thousands.

However, I would wait it out a bit longer before getting annoyed. She may organise something when the kids are back at school.

If she isn't usually like this then I would let it go. But not encourage the relative to invite them again.

JeffsanArsehole · 27/08/2015 16:23

Why should she have paid for all the shopping leaving YOU to not pay at all Confused

It's not your house is it ?

WeAllFloat · 27/08/2015 16:27

so, are you expecting high value gifts.....or just much more grovelling gratitude? Either way, I think you seem a bit mercenary if after seeing a good friend your first instinct is to recover costs.

Original poster
Luckything50 · 27/08/2015 16:38

Ok maybe not thousands, getting carried away. I suppose I think that she wouldn't have been invited at all (again) if she didn't know me so it would be reasonable to make a gesture towards me, and the shopping would have been an easy way to do that. I don't think she has said thanks to me at all, but I certainly would expect something, not at all high value, for my relative. As I said, an offer of lunch / bottle of wine?

OP posts:
JeffsanArsehole · 27/08/2015 16:39

I think your relative should absolutely expect something.

Not you though unless you're missing out some vital piece of information.

SurlyCue · 27/08/2015 16:42

it would be reasonable to make a gesture towards me

Grin you are wrong. And grabby. Hth.

Sounds like you were hoping friend was going to cover your costs so you could get a free holiday.

SurlyCue · 27/08/2015 16:42

What did you buy your relative to say thanks, out of interest?

bloodyteenagers · 27/08/2015 16:43

Why would you get anything?
It wasn't you putting them up.
Why should they do the whole shop to subsidise your stay?

Penfold007 · 27/08/2015 16:47

So both families were guests of your relative. Both families split shopping bill, seems fair. If I was your friend I would thank the hostess with flowers or something but I wouldn't feel I needed to get you a gift.

Original poster
Luckything50 · 27/08/2015 16:54

Hmmm, seems to be a general consensus so far that IABU. The relative is my mum and it's my family home so I suppose I feel that she was staying 'with me' and btw the shopping only covered about two days food for all 9 of us, my mum bought the rest.

OP posts:
beardsrock · 27/08/2015 16:54

I'd definitely expect a really good gift, plus nice wine to drink in the evenings. Good gift = really good chocolates, wine glasses, a book etc.

If I go and stay at someone's house that's what we take - wine + hostess gift too.

lougle · 27/08/2015 16:58

So your mum's AIBU should read:

"AIBU to expect DD to give me some gesture of gratitude as I put her and her friends up for a week? They split the cost of an initial shop and DD arranged a few days out, but I hosted them and provided everything else. I'm feeling that DD takes me for granted."

corgiology · 27/08/2015 17:00

Does sound very grabby tbh.

I wouldn't always think to get a gift if I was staying with someone. I've never had anyone expect a gift anyway.

TheAuthoress · 27/08/2015 17:01

I think splitting the shopping between the two families was fine, though they should have made sure to buy enough food for the whole time.

I do think YABU to expect a gift for you, it's not your house. But absolutely NBU to expect them to send your DM a thank you gift. And they should have taken her out for dinner while they were there.

tigerscameatnight · 27/08/2015 17:01

But they gave half of costs on a shopping trip.
And just for the record we stopped in London for a week for around £500 quid

howabout · 27/08/2015 17:03

Why did you invite your friend without payment if payment was what you wanted rather than her companionship and friendship?
YABU

StackladysMorphicResonator · 27/08/2015 17:09

What lougle said. You and your friend are a bit cheeky.

SurlyCue · 27/08/2015 17:14

the shopping only covered about two days food for all 9 of us, my mum bought the rest.

So you paid for a days shopping for your family and your mum fed you the rest of the week. Exactly the same as your friend. Not sure youre in a position to complain about her. You dont get to ride on your mum's coat tails once youre an adult with kids! You didnt contribute any more than your friend did. I find it really funny that youre whingeing about this. If you'd paid your own way then fair enough but you didnt. You fed yourself for a day. Big whoop.

Sazzle41 · 27/08/2015 17:15

Its your Mum's house so she should get a thankyou gift. Maybe they are late with it as per last year. If they paid their share re the outings and bought some shopping they did contribute. Kids eat barely anything anyway, but if it didnt cover the stay maybe you should have instigated another 'top up supermarket shop'.

Original poster
Luckything50 · 27/08/2015 17:19

If the situation were reversed I know that a) I wouldn't dream of turning up empty handed, b) would have been effusive in thanks to me and my mum, and finally would have immediately on return sent flowers/similar & card ... That's not really so much to ask and, anything less seems so ungrateful imvho.

OP posts:
GloGirl · 27/08/2015 17:22

You owe your Mum a big thank you, and so does your friend.

I think splitting the shopping with you was reasonable but if some practical stranger wanted to put my family up for a week I would have wine / flowers at a minimum.

eddielizzard · 27/08/2015 17:28

i don't think your friend really owes you anything - you already split the food you bought between you, but a gesture towards your mum would be nice.

DoJo · 27/08/2015 17:29

I'm still not sure what you think the thanks are due to you for though? It sounds as though your mum did the inviting and hosting and you organised days out which you all went on, so what was your contribution that deserves the thanks?

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 27/08/2015 17:32

Hang on, it's your mums house not yours? Why would you be owed anything unless you live there?

Why shouldn't you have split the shopping? You don't live there anymore.

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