to ask for your help with this problem?

[namechangeforaibuQ]

I've been thinking about this for a couple of weeks now and can't find a way of managing it that sits right.

Years ago I had a series of mc's, then a medical issue, and a trauma that complicated matters. A lot of our friends were having children at the time and I was open about my struggles and I found their support invaluable. My life is now good and I'm happy. We do not have children.

I'm sure you can see where this is going!

Fast forward to a conversation recently with a friend (A) during which I wondered whether mutual friend (B) who'd just given birth was avoiding me and I should just back off and give her time as it had been noticeably difficult arranging to meet up with me but she'd seen others in our circle. My friend A said that friend B was probably just being sensitive to my situation, and it was said in a way that made me realise that friend A has also been sensitive to my situation. At the time I was just polite but I was shocked. This is kind and well meaning but it annoyed me.

(cue mini undermining rant) I don't want their babies, partners, lifestyles. I'm now happy with my life. Children/families are wonderful and I would have been thrilled to go down that road myself but my life is also good. I have a great relationship, wonderful home, work-life balance, an enjoyable job, financial freedom, the freedom of time and the absence of the worry that comes with having children. Although it is probably well meant compassion it feels like outdated pity, as if some friend's view of me hasn't updated. I saw friend A recently and I started feeling awkward. I suddenly felt as if my happiness about the thing I was describing to her came across as a pretense of happiness, I felt thrown back in time, as if I'll forever be in her mind the poor girl who couldn't have children.

(nearly there guys, thanks for reading this far!) I don't mind not seeing friend B. It's a new friendship and sometimes those fizzle out, and sometimes over these sorts of reasons, but I don't want to lose friend A. I do have low times over not having a child and the medical issues and traumatic experience, but that's decreasing with time and parents have low times over parenting issues and life events, so I don't see my life as worthy of requiring kid gloves. I had hoped that seeing my happiness would be enough and that I wouldn't have to discuss this with anymore, but is that my only option?

Hmm. Tricky one in some ways, but straight forward in others...
If friend A is the most important friend then it might be worth just having a chat with her about how you feel now. Obvious when you were going the MC's and the medical issues she will have seen your sadness and might be trying not to take you back there, but in trying to be sensitive has come across as insensitive without meaning to. Clearing the air might help you both.
Its actually great that you've managed to come through the experience and feel so positive about your life now, and maybe if she realises that she'll stop treading on eggshells around you.
As for feeling like in her eyes you'll always be the one who couldn't have children, then I think if that is in fact how she sees you, then it says more about how she feels about her own life maybe? And perhaps she doesn't actually think that at all? Maybe like I say she is just trying to be sensitive but has put her foot right in it as it were...
As for friend B, if she only recently had a babay she might just simply be too tired to see a lot of people, but if as you say she's managed to see others then that is a bit more questionable... I suppose it comes down to how much she matters to you in the long run.

Thanks for your response Light.

Thinking back now I realise that I did stop talking about it when I was struggling with the trauma. Emotionally I couldn't separate the two issues and I found talking about the trauma wasn't helping. There were some things I just had to work through on my own and although I was working through it that relative silence may have given my friend the wrong signal. As you quite rightly point out though, I'm making a lot of assumptions here and I can't really know what she thinks without asking her. Reading your post clarified my fear about talking with her. She's a dear friend and it would be a real crush to learn if she really does think of me as the one who couldn't have children. This has always been a nice, easy and yet deep and meaningful friendship. I wouldn't want to carry on with a friend who held me in that place, and I would hate to lose her. It matters less with friend B and I feel fine about that friendship being less close.

Hi OP. I would interpret this as more to do with her (A's) expectations around your feelings than any stand-alone pity, IYSWIM. Presumably she's been around while you were coming to terms with being happily child free? (Apologies if I make any bad linguistic choices here btw...)

Have you told her that you're happy being child free in the way that you've told us? Eg 'I'm fine with it' can be taken a lot of ways.

A sounds like she's meaning well but maybe hasn't quite internalised that you really are ok with not having children. If this is bothering you, you need to talk to her (and try to avoid the 'protesting too much'!)

It shouldn't be on you to re-explain your feelings, but in this instance it seems like the most direct solution.

I think you're expecting too much from friend A. She's trying to be sensitive towards you and unless you've explained to her that you are genuinely happy with the way your life is now without children, then she does have fair reason to believe that you are more unhappy than you show and that you're just trying to get on with life as best you can.

Even if she does think of you as someone who couldn't have children, it's not going to be the only thing she thinks about you and she can't read your mind to see how you're now feeling a bout being childless. Her trying to be sensitive to your possible feelings isn't a bad thing.

You're welcome, and the whole situation must be a really difficult one OP -
Like other posters have said though, I doubt very much that A just sees you as the "friend who can't have children", but it's just an aspect of your past she is trying to be sensitive about without really realising you are fine now and happy to spend time with other people's children - obviously this is something other people might struggle with after MC's and trauma's... I do hope you manage to sort the issue out with her as she sounds important to you... x