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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No charge, aibu angry, upset and confused

22 replies

Leafitout · 25/08/2015 17:23

I was sexually assaulted against my will years ago by a man in a position of law. It has haunted me ever since. It has ruined my life. I made the decision not very lightly and after a breakdown to tell the police. After months of investigation the cps have decided to bring no charge. I am upset, confused. Between anger and relief. But most of all a real anger is now starting to set in that he has gotten away with it. Please help me to sort my head out. Aibu to have these feelings

OP posts:

Lovelybuzzybees · 25/08/2015 17:34

Of course you are not being unreasonable , is there anybody in RL you can talk to ?

Original poster

Leafitout · 25/08/2015 17:37

Don't think they can really understand what is going on and around in my head. He gets to still stay in his job with maybe no consequence for his behaviour.

OP posts:

MajesticWhine · 25/08/2015 17:42

YANBU. Of course you are angry and upset. It doesn't mean you are not believed or that you didn't do the right thing to report it. It could be that they thought there was no reasonable chance of a successful prosecution.
Have you been given any advice about support for victims or counselling of some sort? This might help you come to terms with it.

Miloarmadillo1 · 25/08/2015 17:50

Of course YANBU to be angry. YABU to blame the CPS though, I would imagine it's very difficult to gather any evidence years after the event that amounts to more than your word against his.

Original poster

Leafitout · 25/08/2015 17:53

That is what the cps have said that there was not enough evidence. But it is very real to me. He was in a position of trust to the public and still is the smarmy dirty bastard. My feelings are bringing me back to being that vulnerable young girl again that was to frightened to say anything. I kept it inside my head all these years. He put pressure on me. He's done this to me. He's probably laughing at me that he's got away with it. Have been given numbers but it's still raw.

OP posts:

Original poster

Leafitout · 25/08/2015 17:54

I don't blame the cps, I blame me for getting myself into that position in the first place.

OP posts:

OllyBJolly · 25/08/2015 17:55

This is no reflection on you, and the fact there is no charge does not mean that he is not guilty, nor that you should not have brought the charge.

The whole experience of reliving it will have been very painful so no surprise your are angry that it didn't bring the closure you want. Call Rape Crisis - many people who get in touch want to talk about assaults that happened many years ago. It will help talking it all through with someone who understands and will not be judgemental or jump in with ill informed advice.

So brave of you to report it.

Rarity08 · 25/08/2015 17:59

Yanbu, sadly many sexual offences never make it to court and successful convictions for those that do are very low. I hope you can get some help . The system is flawed.

OldBloodCallsToOldBlood · 25/08/2015 18:06

I'm sorry.

One good thing is that you're now on record, so if anyone else comes forward, the CPS might decide to prosecute because of what you've told them too.

libertydoddle · 25/08/2015 18:13

He hasn't got away with it. This will stay on records about him and will make him think twice about doing it again. Also, others may come forward at a later date. People who abuse positions of trust in this way tend to do it repeatedly. He will have had a v v big fright and people will have an eye on him now.

You have been incredibly brave and you did the right thing. The most important thing now is to focus on your own recovery and healing and seek out the help you need.

And thank you. Every single person who reports this type of crime helps others. It might not feel like it at the time but you have made people aware. The strength that has taken you this far will help you in the future too. Hold your head high, you did the right thing, you are not to blame. Go forward now and take care of yourself. I wish you well

rumbleinthrjungle · 25/08/2015 18:17

The threshold for CPS seems to be getting increasingly high. It is horrible so many assaults and harrassments and breaking of bail in the case of abused women get dismissed like this and it should be something looked into at national level. The real consequences for the offender are very small.

Original poster

Leafitout · 25/08/2015 18:18

I'm hoping that in his professional position that he doesn't do it to other women. It was over a long time that he was at me, forcing me to do and say things to him. I didn't know what to do other than do as I was being told. He was threatening me that he could make trouble for me and my friends. I felt so scared and confused. Having been in local authority care I already felt like a shit little girl. In my childhood I was abused so felt that it was normal that adults in charge were like this. Something should have made me not fall under him I should have been stronger. All I did was a little whimper saying no I didnt like it but then froze. I should have pushed him off me I should have shouted at him to stop. He's a cunt and I hate him

OP posts:

Lovelybuzzybees · 25/08/2015 18:22

leaf you are not to blame yourself , it was his vile actions not yours
You have done absolutely nothing wrong , nothing

rumbleinthrjungle · 25/08/2015 18:24

I'm so sorry Leaf

Absolutely not your responsibility to have dealt with being assaulted differently or better - he shouldn't have bloody assaulted you! His fault, his blame, not yours.

Original poster

Leafitout · 25/08/2015 18:28

It feels like his behaviour has been swept under the carpet. I didn't report it back then because who was going to believe a silly little troubled girl in care. Now it's bringing me right back to that place of feeling frightened. I'm scared that my mental health problems will over take me again. And I've worked so hard to try and right myself and my PTSD.

OP posts:

isupposeitsverynice · 25/08/2015 18:33

Well done for reporting. It's so hard but you did it. It is really shit that your case isn't being pursued and I'm so sorry that you won't get the justice you deserve. At least your report is on file and always will be, so next time someone comes forward about him, the case will be a bit stronger. I hope you can find some support to get you back on track

Original poster

Leafitout · 25/08/2015 18:41

They may internally discipline him but this is not a certainty. Surely he should be held accountable in some way from this

OP posts:

queenofthishouse · 25/08/2015 18:45

leaf I'm so sorry. This isn't your fault. You were very brave to come forward (braver than I am) now that you hVe reported him if some one else comes forward and reports him to your case will be reopened. I know that's of no use to you now though.

Original poster

Leafitout · 25/08/2015 18:58

A tiny part of me thought that because of his job they may have made an example out of him and protected the public from him. I know this sounds bitter but I want women to be aware of what his is cable of doing. Especially if they ever need to call on him for help

OP posts:

MrsLupo · 25/08/2015 19:01

for you OP and no, YANBU.

You were not to blame, you were a child. You were brave to report it, and by doing so you have stood up for that frightened child. You can build on that by tapping into the anger you're feeling now. Anger is appropriate, both for what was done for you and for the fact that, for whatever reason, the police are not going forward with a prosecution and things will not come out. Anger is a better emotion than shame or self-blame, and eventually you will come out the other side of the anger too.

It's to your credit that you are as concerned about the risk to other people as you are about 'getting your day in court'. You sound like a good person.

Original poster

Leafitout · 25/08/2015 19:28

I'm going through different stages of emotions. But glad I came here to vent. Your kind words have helped.I have said to much that may out me.

OP posts:

queenofthishouse · 25/08/2015 19:33

leaf I don't think you sound bitter at all.

You did the right thing by going to the police. What he did was illigal. Your were trying to protect others and bring him to justice. He may still yet be punished in time, as you possibly wasn't the only one.

Hang on in there leaf

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