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Dropping out of Hen do!!

22 replies

PeasinPod1 · 25/08/2015 16:21

My sis is getting hitched later this year and currently planning her hen do for few months time.

Was all sorted/people signed up 4 months ago, and costs are seriously low- and done in 3 x instalments to help people.
Along the way several people have dropped out, including 1 lady who hasn't even offered to pay a penny (but despite saying she'd come then told us she couldn't with more time) and 1 who let me know last month- with 2 months to go.Most of weekend has been paid up front and based on group numbers.
I'm now being asked by the other woman if she does still have to pay her final instalments, and I'm inclined to say "yes please" given the late notice, her initial sign up for months and now only saying she cant come but when everything is based on set numbers coming. AIBU to ask her v politely to still pay but see if a few activities etc we can get her place out of?

But in essence still ask for a final contribution? Feel gutted for my sister as people can be seriously lame. Its like signing up for theatre tickets, friend paying and then last minute saying oh no cant come- and expect not to pay IMO.

OP posts:

PeterParkerSays · 25/08/2015 16:30

It is bad that people said they could come but then dropped out but a hen do which requires 3 installments isn't "seriously low" cost, sorry. Bring a bottle to the hen's house for the evening is seriously low cost.


Itsmine · 25/08/2015 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeeRayKay · 25/08/2015 16:32

You wouldnt BU to ask her to pay No.

And is it really "seriously low cost" is it in the 20-35 bracket?


Rab19 · 25/08/2015 16:34

Were people told originally when it was planned, that it was going to be paid for up front & that once they'd agreed to come, then they had to pay? If so, then yes, ask them for the money! It's not YOUR fault they're dropping out & you shouldn't be out of pocket for their change of mind.

Good luck

Rab x x


CrystalCove · 25/08/2015 16:36

How low is low? I agree with itsmine, a meal and/or drinks out is more realistic compared to weekends full of activities and spas etc.


CrystalCove · 25/08/2015 16:36

And if it's all paid who paid it if money is still due? Confused


Osolea · 25/08/2015 16:40

If someone agreed to it knowing what the full costs were, then they should absolutely be expected to pay the final instalments. Be honest and say that the costs were based on all the people who agreed to go, but you will do your best to see if you can get away without paying for their place if you can.

This is why I will never agree to organise another hen night, you have my sympathy.


Notso · 25/08/2015 16:44

It's not hard surely. If you can't get a refund then yes she does need to pay. If you can then great, she gets her money back.


lorelei9 · 25/08/2015 16:44

I think if people agreed to it and you paid a deposit on that basis, they should honour it, just as if you had agreed to book theatre tickets and take the money later.

but I am concerned about the "instalments" - it can't be cheap then can it? So I guess people might have encountered financial issues along the way?

In that case, you should be fully recompensed for any deposit, so no one should be out of pocket. But you shouldn't have to fund anyone's place - if the loss is 100% of the fee, the person who agreed to do it should lose that money.

i just recently contributed to a group gift, I paid the lady in June when she asked for the money. She's still chasing some people - they all agreed to it in writing, I have it in my email trail. I think that's awful.


rookiemere · 25/08/2015 17:03

How much is the overall cost?

I can understand your frustration and it is annoying when people cancel, but two months notice is actually a lot.

What I'd do is give her the details of what's booked and then she can see if she can get her place cancelled. If she can, then she can have her money back, if not then she needs to pay it all.

This will also help her to understand that you aren't just being petty and there are implications for other people if she doesn't pay.


BrendaandEddie · 25/08/2015 17:17

oh FGS just jack it all in and do a night out


emwithme · 25/08/2015 17:25

Instalments doesn't signify low cost. Like a PP says, low cost is "bring a bottle to someone's house"

My hen do (more of a hen don't, actually) was low cost. We went out for all you can eat chinese food (£7 per person) and drinks (some drank, some didn't, everyone paid for their own - including me).

Best mate's hen do (weekend away) is coming in at about £500, once I've paid for flights/accommodation/travel to airport and then factored in drinks and stuff. But she's my best mate and I can afford it.

What is annoying me is she's having a "UK hen do" for those who can't afford the foreign one, and that's going to be another £250. But I shall suck it up and smile sweetly because I love her and she's my best mate.


Backforthis · 25/08/2015 17:31

Yes, and I'm sure someone's had great evening with an Iceland prawn ring and a shared bottle of Lambrini but that doesn't make it wrong to spend more on a hen night. There is a middle ground between a weekend in Europe and a night at Wetherspoons.


AsTimeGoesBy · 25/08/2015 17:31

If it means others have to cover the cost of her place then she should pay up, but not otherwise. And only if it was made very clear up front that it was a share of fixed costs not a cost per head.

But agree with others that anything that needs paying in installments can't be seriously low cost, could you scale it back a bit?


acquiescence · 25/08/2015 17:46

I am dropping out of a friends hen do as I will be a week off full term pregnancy- it was really difficult as I knew I was pregnant when it was booked and that I probably wouldn't be going, but didn't want to tell them as it was early days. I am paying for the accommodation in full (around £90) as otherwise the other girls would have had to pick up the cost which I didn't think was fair. It is a bit of an annoying situation for me financially but it is unfair to drop out of something and leave others to pick up the cost.


JenesuispasJeffrey · 25/08/2015 17:53

The ones dropping out now need to pay all committed costs in my opinion - they shouldn't expect you to pay for thier flakiness. You should be able to let them off any non-committed costs that you wont incur now they are not there (eg food and activities that are not pre-paid).

At a friend's Hen do recently someone dropped out a week before when everything had been paid for - this person has still not paid the organiser which is really shit and is impacting friendships with the bride also (who is upset by the no-show, and the fact her maid of honour is out of pocket)


DinosaursRoar · 25/08/2015 17:56

It actually doesn't matter how low cost or not it is, if you told them at the start the cost and the installments needed, then if they couldn't afford it, at that point they should have declined, not months later!

I wish you'd posted at the start, lots of people would have told you from bitter experience, don't offer installments or pay for anything until you've got the money in from people, lots of people are flakey and don't seem to care that other people have to cover the costs of their flakiness.

I would say yes, she does still need to pay now, as you've already booked for her as she said she was coming, if you can cancel her place or find someone else to take it, you will refund her.

Things come up and no matter how low cost you make it, sometimes diaries get filled and you have to cancel going to events, but that doesn't mean you always get your money back because you no longer want to go to something you've booked. By not making them pay up front, you made them feel like they'd not committed yet, even though they told you they were coming and were happy with the costs.


DinosaursRoar · 25/08/2015 17:57

acquiescence - bit late now, but why didn't you just lie that "oh no, can't make that date!" and decline at the time?


BackforGood · 25/08/2015 21:15

Of course YANBU to not want to be out of pocket - although I agree with most that costs can't be "seriously low" if you are asking for 3 installments! Shock.
However, from experience (not hen dos, but life in general) if you are paying out up front for anything that involves more than a couple of close friends, then you need to either ensure you've collected all monies before you pay out for anything, or do the calculations based on 15% of people dropping out - if they do, then no-one is any the wiser / out of pocket and everyone agreed to pay what you asked, if no-one drops out, then you can give everyone a refund or put the money up for some drinks or something when you get there - no-one will complain at that.


lunar1 · 25/08/2015 21:19

How much is seriously low? Did everyone know the cost at the start?


Brummiegirl15 · 25/08/2015 21:28

I dropped out of a hen do the day before because I started having a miscarriage the day before that and I lost the whole amount - £250

I totally appreciate that there was nothing that could be done. But some of the money was towards a meal that was for one of the nights that hadn't been paid for ( bill was settled on the night) and seeing as I wasn't there , I didn't eat and therefore that money didn't get spent.

Did I get that bit back? Did I fuck.

But I just lost my baby and couldn't be arsed to argue about money, pissed me off though


whattodohatethis · 25/08/2015 21:47

3 installments doesn't sound seriously low cost.

If the money from her place gets refunded then she should get it back, if not she pays in full

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