to wonder how to keep calm when 'perfect mummy' of toddlers friend is coming to stay

[mrsnowherenear]

when my pre teens are, well pretty stroppy, argue a lot, want to go on the computer all the time and moan when I kick them off etc. My friend has a baby and 3 year old. They never eat any rubbish, are in a very strict routine, don't watch TV etc. She is the perfect Mum except very uptight and not really enjoying the dc. In fairness my dc were also in a routine, had a very healthy diet etc. etc. However, I now feel she looks down on my dc and judges me despite her dc being at a completely different stage to mine. How can I make her see that childrearing changes as the dc get older and you cannot possibly know what you will do until you are in that stage?

Erm, are you sure she is looking down on you?

It's easy to ensure small children don't eat rubbish; it's when peer pressure sets in it becomes harder to monitor. Mine don't watch TV on account of us not owning one but they have a good go on tablets and phones!

But all too often people see a judgement when there isn't one.

It doesn't sound like you're looking forward to it at all and are already on the offence. When friends get judgey about parenting differences I spend time with them away from kids.

You 'feel' she judges you but has she actually said anything. I think it's silly for you to even find this a concern. Your dc are in a completely different phase and not comparable at all to her dc. You feel she judges you but you are doing the same by thinking she's uptight and not enjoying her dc. That's a pretty judgy thing to say.

Well she isn't 'perfect', who is?

You say she's uptight and not enjoying her children.

Who's judging who here?

No not looking forward to it! She says things like 'oh do your children like those?(eg. sausage rolls/pizza etc) My dc don't eat processed food.' To clarify - my dc do generally eat a balanced diet but with a bit of crap every now and then. Or 'Oh doesn't your ds like being outside? I'm going to make sure my 2 are outdoorsy'. I've tried everything but my ds is NOT outdoorsy, but I do kick him out and try to keep him a bit physical. She says these things in a really passive aggressive way so she would deny meaning anything by the comments.

IF she is judgey, just watch and smile on until her kids hit their teens.... And then as revenger for her judginess, you can roll out the 'I told you so's!' If she is really bad, just throw back your head, laugh and say in reallllyyyy patronisin way 'ohhhh, I remember those days of sweetness and light, let me know how your getting on when puberty strikes!!'

I am sure you have done a marvellous job in bringing up your children, why would you let a relatively newbie to parenting make you feel inadequate?? She is no better than you!

I do sound judgey by saying she is uptight and not enjoying her dc. She just always asks how I am not 'brain dead' (I'm a SAHM) and other similar comments.

I think you need to approach it from knowing that she will eat her words when her kids are teens. She assumes that her kids will be the picture she has in her head but as you know
Her sahm comment is mean but maybe she secretly wants to be one too!

How much of a friend is she with these comments? I would be decreasing time spent with her if I felt like that. I can understand how crappy it feels to be judged (or feel like you are) but pps are right-she hasn't a clue of the age yours are at so try not to take it to heart.

Did you mean to be so rude?

Repeat as necessary.

I'm sure she'll come out with the 'I wasn't being rude' and at which point you need to explain how it sounds as if you are being criticised by a rather unkind and entirely ridiculous comparison (of toddler with teenager)

I would laugh it off with a " oh just u wait" type comment. She sounds quite unhappy to be being so snippy to a friend, I might also venture to ask her if she was, depending on the friendship.

Ermmm...why are you having such a person to stay? Unless she's a SIL, there is no need!

Why is she coming to stay?

Is she family? If not, why are you having her to stay?

Ha, X post!

My dsis is a bit like this, no TV etc.Mine are 11 and 8 and surgically attached to Ipads etc. Smile and wave.

oh dear. please do record these sayings of hers. it will be fun to watch when hers are older. poor deluded fool that she is

Yes she is family so cannot avoid her! Luckily they live a few hours so we don't see much of her.

I'd smile and say, "Oh bless, I remember those days! I'm so lucky really - I mean, you know what they say, small kids small problems, big kids big problems, and mine have on the whole turned out so well. I do hope you are as lucky and it's impossible to tell at this age, isn't it?"

If she's smug and passive aggressive, be gently amused and patronising back. "Gosh, it's funny how certain we all are when they're small! I suppose you get more confident as they grow up, and relax a bit." Walk off and make tea.

Beat her at her own game, as charmingly as you can manage. I psychologist I know calls it, "asserting a different position in a socially considered manner". Which I think is polite-speak for passive-aggressive defence. If she's family, it's the only option left other than gritting teeth and enduring.

Ha ha ha. Don't worry op, her time will come

Or you could always criticise her back for not letting her kids to live a little!

I would have a choice.
I can bribe mine into behaviour now. So I'd say to them along the lines of "right I have a friend round and I don't want her to be too horrified what her dc are going to be like when they're older. I'm not going to worry about you doing X, Y, Z however can you do it quietly in your rooms. For A, B and C, can you avoid doing it, and we'll do when she's gone."
DD1 and dd2 would play up to that and do good imitations of teenage angels, and ds would do his best as long as he wasn't hungry. I'd provide a couple of treat snacks in their room, move the laptop up and let them party quietly, and come down occasionally to remark on how the homework is going.

Alternatively is what I try not to do unless they're asking for it, but gently patronise them. So "oh isn't it lovely when they're small and you can persuade them that they don't like sausages. So cute. I remember when mine ." Pause while she tells you that they won't be trying them. Ever. "I remember thinking like that too"

I've only done that with bil who became the world's expert in child rearing after he'd had pfb for a month in front of a room full of people who had 2-4 children, and chose to lecture everyone how they needed to do various things.
There might have been the words innocent and naive used with a lot of laughter

Thanks for replies which have made me feel much better. Looking back she was even quick to tell us what we were doing wrong and what she would do before she had her own dc. Now I see her doing the things she critisesd back then. I'd love to remind her of the things she said, but I suppose that would be very bitchy.