To tell a friend she smells bad?

[MuttonDressedAsGoose]

I have a good friend ("Mary") who sort of smells. Sometimes I notice it more than others. It's not necessarily a BO smell, although that is sometimes there. It's more of a sour smokers smell with a bit of mildew thrown in. Our mutual friend ("Jane"), who was her roommate until recently, seems to notice it even more than I do even though she is a smoker, herself.

Furthermore, we have some acquaintances - whom my smelly friend sometimes worked with on freelance assignments - who have remarked on it. We have heard through gossip that these acquaintances won't travel with her anymore because of the smell. We think that this problem is interfering with her getting more work.

Last night, she visited the Jane and sat on her brand-new sofa and when she left the sofa reeked and Jane can't get the odour out.

We are genuinely concerned for her. We are worried that this is hurting her professional life. I would say that we are pretty close friends who spend real time together and we have all been supportive of one another. Jane and I are wondering if we should sit Mary down and talk to her about it. I am pretty sure that Mary will not huff off and drop us as friends. But we don't want to hurt her feelings any more than necessary. That is, I can't help but assume she will be mortified but we want her to know that we're only doing it out of love for her.

Has anyone been in this position? If so, what did you do?

Hmm. Not been in the same position, but maybe some things you could try?

Go swimming together. Then shower (not together...) if the smell is still there, maybe it is medical?

Buy a fancy set of smellies. Use the "buy one get one free for Xmas" excuse.

After few mins of meeting her, ask if she had onion for lunch and offer a mint.

Maybe the smell is in her clothes? Get some bold (overpowers most other smells), again " it was BOGOF, so you can have this. I can't store it all...

Speak to her about it

If she is your friend speak to her about it. She will want to know.
If it were you, you would want to know.

Speak directly, stick to the facts. Not I heard this...

Simply, I want to talk to you about something. This is difficult for me but it is something we need to discuss as friends
Are you aware that you often/always smell?
Describe the smell.
I wanted you to know as it is very obvious and unpleasant.

Hugs etc

If I were her, I would prefer to hear it from a close friend than a coworker. And if it's that bad, someone is bound to say something to her soon.

Do not do things like try to get her to shower offer her washing powder etc

It is mortifying and a waste of time

?Image that you are the person who smells but is unaware of it, how would you prefer to be made aware of it??

No don't hint around, just tell her straight and with love.

That was me a while back- I actually heard it from my boss. I think my problem was with clothes washing, and Mary's problem could be too (a person wouldn't smell of mildew but their clothes might).

Anyway, hearing it from my boss or other professional was probably the best solution. It would have been even more mortifying for me to hear it from a friend.

The worst bit was thinking back and wondering just how many hints had been dropped (such as discussions about the merits of different wash powders) and I had missed!

I have spoken with a close friend about this. I sat her down, I told her that this was going to be an uncomfortable conversation for the both of us and then told her. She was uncomfortable and I could see it, I told her I was doing it because I didn't want her to be the source of gossip and I loved her.
Years later we are still good friends and she no longer smells.

Some people just smell no matter how clean they are or fresh their clothes and are probably aware just embarrassed to mention it.
How would you feel if you tell her and she says she has tried everything anyway?

No don't hint around, don't take her swimming if she isn't showering (yuck)! Just explain in the nicest way possible that she smells. It's in her best interests & you are a caring friend. Hopefully she will appreciate it in the long run.

I have this issue too, but my friend smells because her house is mouldy. Her children also smell, as does everything that goes in and out of her house. I have lent her baby stuff and have had to boil wash it when it's returned.
She is actually so used to the smell she doesn't notice now but I have dropped many subtle hints.

It's hard OP, I would love to be honest about it but I don't have the heart.

what a brill friend you are Doughnut :)

I think that drying clothes inside where there is no proper air going through can make clothes smell pretty dank sometimes. The same thing with clothes left, not completely dried in a basket or the machine. That might be a factor. I hope all is well soon.

I am familiar with the smell that clothes get when not dried properly, it seems unmissable to me.
Do some of us just not smell it? ?
(I guess that applies to all smells...now wondering which ones I might be missing )

I think it's due to drying her clothes inside especially if 'Jane' was a smoker and smoked inside. My ex would stink like a mouldy cat pee type smell and it was due to clothes drying where he smoked.

Delicate situation you've got there, OP, but it sounds as though you'll be able to cope with it delicately. As others have said, I don't think you should drop hints or pass products to her; it needs to be spelled out in kind but unambiguous words. If I were your whiffy friend I think I'd feel better to have only one pal raising the subject than two.

You could start asking "can you smell that?" And sniffing your t-shirt, checking your shoes then put on a face when around her. She might sniff herself and go oh crap is it me she can smell? Do I smell weird?

Or you could just suddenly notice one day, make a big show of thinking it's you, then give her a quick sniff and realise it's her. Oh! It's you? Did you get caught in the rain earlier? (Or similar). This will probably lead to "what kind of smell is it?" so describe it to her.

I once had some cheap perfume that smelt musty. It wasn't off as it was new but a cheapo one could it be that? I was sat in the staff room at work and someone came in and said ugggh it smells of mould up here. I chucked it in the bin after that.

Maybe she left her clothes outside on the line at night and they got 'darked on'.

I think one of you (not both) should sit down with her and gently tell her about the smell. She needs to know. I also think she needs to know that colleagues have complained, as it could affect her career. If you describe it as a 'mildew/damp/smoky smell' rather than implying she has poor personal hygiene, she's likely to take it better and be less embarrassed. Focus on solutions and ask about how she washes/dries her clothes and whether she smokes indoors near her wet washing. Washing that hasn't dried properly will definitely have a mildewy/musty/stale smell and some synthetic fabrics smell like this when they get old especially viscose.

I think you need to be honest rather than drop hints.

I agree with pps who suggested her home might be damp... one of my friends smelled a bit mildewy when she lived in a flat with a damp problem, whenever I stayed with her I came back with all my clothes smelling the same as hers! The smell disappeared when she moved house.

Also, could it be a wet-dog smell rather than mildew? One of my friends has a dog and she often smells of damp dogs. Her house also smells of dogs. I cringe when she comes to my house in doggy clothes as the smell transfers onto my sofa (along with dog-hairs) and lingers Haven't yet thought of a polite way to raise this though!

Darked on! I remember that thread, it still makes me chuckle! I left my towels outside overnight the other evening and told the DCs they were getting darked on. Sorry for O/T!