To think this man understood my grief

[derxa]

I lost my father about two weeks ago. My son and I are staying at his house sorting things out. We've had many visitors mainly people who want to know what I'm doing with the farm. My son and I went to a local beauty spot to get away from all of this. I met a man from a completely different culture. We had a chat and I mentioned why we were there. He was so sympathetic and real ( a Muslim family). His face said it all. Why can't people here be like him?

Sorry for your sad news.

Surely it depends on the person you're speaking with if they understand your grief or not? It's not on to make sweeping generalisations.

As a massive generalisation as Anglo-Saxon Protestants we're not very good at death. The man you met probably had had a life time of observing and being party to death being dealt with in a different way.
I'm sorry for your loss and glad that someone was able to comfort you.

I'm sorry for your loss too. I agree with armysal. think I'm a warm, decent person but I haven't lost a parent and I'd be afraid to offer up some words of comfort in case they were patronising or just clueless. When it's something I've been through, I can say something helpful, I hope.

Hope you're okay. I hope you have lots of good support from family and friends. Please take care of yourself and watch around the 7-8 week mark - my doctor told me that was when shock would really hit and he was right.

Take your time with stuff like the farm and don't be rushed. Get decent independent advice.

I lost my dad when my DW was 7 months pregnant with DD, and I think I suffered from having to be the 'carer' when I needed caring for myself.

I am sorry for your loss, but also think that, whereas that particular man might have been hugely empathetic, you are wrong to make it into anything more than that.
I don't know where "here" is, but I do think you are wrong to lump a whole country full of people together in one sweeping statement.

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. He might be rubbish at sheep shearing and being a team leader.

Also sometimes it's easier with strangers 1. to open up to and 2. to offer sympathy to someone for a limited time.

Also culturally the British tend to be a bit buttoned up about high emotion like grief compared to other cultures.

Sorry about your Dad and i hope i meet compassionate people when my df dies as ive had some kindness during his illness and some dreadful comments too sadly.Look after yourself

Really sorry you lost your dad. I'm glad you came across this kind man who offered you some comfort.

Nit much I feel I can say, but I did want to say sorry for your loss.

Be kind to yourself. Take your time and don't rush things.

A complete stranger once let me, no made me, cover his shirt in my mascara as i cried about my brother. He patted my hair and said "poor girl, poor poor girl" or something equally soothing. I have never forgotten his kindness.

I am sorry for your loss.

I think it’s a distinct possibility that other cultures deal with loss and grief much better than we do. The tried and trusted British stiff upper lip is a nightmare. I think we’ve all seen other cultures express their grief much more openly and we still sit there with as tight a grip of our emotions as we can manage.

I suspect this gentleman has dealt with grief properly in the past and knows that a stiffly delivered “sorry for your loss” doesn’t cut it.

OP
When my father died my mother found it so hard to cope in those first few days. I was staying with her and she asked me to arrange for her GP to come in and see her. She said he would give her some ADs, something to help her sleep.

It wasn't our usual doc who turned up, but a locum we'd never met before. An asian man. He came to the house and my mum cried and cried in front of him and he just sat and held her hand. For ages. Nodding, quietly listening. When she was all cried out he still held on to her hand in comfortable silence. She ended up coming back to herself a bit, and asked outright for some tablets. Some ADs. He asked simply 'why'? She was a bit non-plussed and said 'i cant stand the grief'. And he shook his head and said gently 'I don;t think tablets would be good. This grief is something you have to go through, and it will pass slowly, and you will come out of it. But you have to go through it. It's the natural way of things'. And he held her hand a bit longer.

I;ve never forgotten that. I found it a comfort to be there and listen to him too. He was so kind and patient and ... honest. He faced her grief so well.

This thread has reminded me of him.

I am with you op, I lost my mum 4 weeks ago and I cannot feel normal, the world is going on, I am doing normal things, those not close to her are living life as if she never existed and I am in this going WTF how can I be normal my lovely mum is not here... and yet I am doing exactly that

Stepney

That's the worst thing - how can life be going on when they're not here anymore?

derxa, I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. People around you do understand, even if they might not show it.

Sorry, I haven't read the rest of the thread (this site has so many) but all us oldies have buried our parents. It's hard but it really does get better. It's part of life, a shit bit but one you know they went through too and got past. They will want you to as well.

That's the worst thing - how can life be going on when they're not here anymore? exactly, and more so when you are doing it yourself.
I had a funny thing happen though yesterday which made me feel weird as I not at all woo in any way at all. we were picking up DS2 from his uni town and had gone out for a few beers and a curry, I opened my glasses case to read the read the menu and there was a small white feather in there, no idea how it could have got there and for some reason I felt all calmed, I remember hearing about white feathers being some sort of sign from a loved one and even though I have never been woo or believe in it I did shed a tear and will keep it as I cannot work out how it got into a closed case. funny the way the mind works. but derxa embrace the good he gave and remember, many of us would do the same if we were to meet you and hear your story. we are just so good at hiding things aren't we.

Thank you for all of your replies. You have been so kind and IABU in the sense that most people have been sympathetic. However the man was like the doctor in Epona's post. He didn't need to do what he did. Also I don't trust some of the vultures who turn up at the farm. I prefer the vipers on MN. Actually I don't know how I would have coped without venting on here

OP

My Dad used to speak often about a complete stranger who sat with him the morning of my brother's death. My Dad had gone somewhere quiet in a complete daze and after a short while, a woman passed and asked if he was ok. My Dad (in that very typically British way) said yes. She said that she could tell he was not, and she sat with him whilst he started to cry. He didn't explain to her why he was upset, but he was so touched someone would be so compassionate.

He went back to the same spot a few times in later months in the hope that he would see her again to say thank you, but he never found her. I'm very thankful she was with him and that she provided a shoulder to cry on at a time when my Dad felt he had to be strong for the rest of the family.

Tootsiepops Thank you. I too have lost a brother and while my father's death is sad it has brought up the grief about my brother and mother. The idea of all three of them in the grave together is beyond horrific. People came to the funeral and said how wonderful it was but in a way it was just a show to please the masses. The burial took place in a tiny graveyard and was attended by me, DH and DSs - nobody else. I cried there but now don't cry at all.
God bless people like that stranger who helped your dad.