AIBU to feel that this is inappropriate work-related behaviour?

[spangledboots]

I need to caveat this with the fact I work in a pretty relaxed business where a bit of 'banter' is totally acceptable. I've worked with lots of men and have never been made to feel uncomfortable before.

Over the past year or so, there have been a series of conversations or incidents between myself and a male colleague which have left me feeling uncomfortable. Initially it was, in my opinion, just 'banter' with a bit of flirty chat. In my mind that would never have led anywhere as he's married and I've been seeing someone. As a person, I'm quite flirtatious and jokey so I realise here that that may have been an issue.

It started with the banter, the Skype comments etc. etc. but then around this time last year we were on a company day/night out and something odd happened. We'd been talking during the night as we had on previous occasions. He was supposed to get a taxi home with another guy but the other guy left and when I was leaving, this colleague suggested he come with me and call a cab from my place as it 'would be easier'. I was really drunk and so was he. We got to my flat and I put on the TV and asked him to call a cab. His phone was dead. He 'didn't have the number' call one on mine. Then he announced that his wife was away on a hen do. Great! So I said, 'look, if you can't go home tonight, here's a blanket to sleep on the sofa and I'll take you to the train station in the morning'. In the morning as early as possible, I got him to the station and we never spoke about it again. I was mortified when I realised what he was probably after.

In work, I avoided him as much as possible after that. He's not in my team but I do have to work with him from time to time. A couple of weeks ago we had another company day/night out. During that day, he had a tie around his leg (for a 3 legged race) and it was tied so tightly he couldn't get it off. Asked me to use my nails to do it so I started to then was like...hold on a second, I'm basically leaning right in front of your crotch. I realised he could take his shoe off and get the stupid thing off that way.

We were heading to the pub afterwards (all already quite drunk by this point) and of the 10 or so of us who left the office, it ended up being just me and him. He starts talking about something that's happening in our company in terms of a changing structure. He thinks it will negatively impact him and starts ranting. It positively impacts my team. He starts saying 'you are X' and 'you are Y' in terms of the business and then I jokingly said 'oh christ, is that all they'd like me to be?!' and he said 'also, [insert phrase about me being loose/easy/wanting sex]' and I was quite taken aback. He went on to mention how hard it is having a pregnant wife/now a small baby and how he needs to please himself a lot etc. I was pretty quiet. We got to the pub and I tried to avoid him as much as possible.

I've spoken to my partner about this and he feels I should report this behaviour, or at least the more recent incidents. I'm not sure if this is something that could be easily reported? Is it even considered 'inappropriate' in the grand scheme of things? Given that the things didn't directly happen in the work place?

Not sure. Surely easier to remove yourself from all types of these situations? Highly unprofessional.

The "easy/loose" bit may make me report it though.

Hmm, I think you have been very silly. Skype ? "Banter" through the night ? "Accidentally" getting drunk and ending up the last two standing on more than one occasion ?

You have given him signals and then instead of stamping on it when he crosses your boundaries you have gone "quiet" and then knowingly allowed him to manoeuvre you into similar situations again.

I think you have to be very, very clear now. I wouldn't be reporting at work, as it will be his word against yours and I am not sure you have been entirely blameless here.

I think you both need to learn a lesson about what is professional behaviour and what isn't

I think you need to absolutely shut him down as soon as he says something remotely sleazy. Do not continue the conversation, tell him you don't want to discuss anything other than work with him.

I also agree with AF that you have been very silly. Keep it professional.

Agree with AF - you are all pissed and he is getting mixed messages. It may be inappropriate but he may say so is your behaviour.

Don't get drunk with him, be icy cool and if he says anything else tell him in clear terms to stop this behaviour or you will take it further.

It is unprofessional and you need to keep your distance and establish clear boundaries however 'relaxed' your work place is.

I don't think that there is anything to report yet. He is just trying his luck and you do not seem to have demonstrated that you're not interested.
You need to distance yourself and not engage in conversation with him. Be polite/ professional, but just step away.
If he keeps pursuing you or making inappropriate comments, you should report.

Yes I think you both were behaving inappropriately you are right to recognise that and stop flirting, and make it clear to him that it ends now.

Not wishing to do a pile-on, but have to agree with what others have said so far. Don't drink with colleagues to the point that it affects your judgment, leave events before the group dwindles down to just you and him.

Keep your guard up and get some boundaries established.

And if he starts up with the sex talk again, unfortunately, just being quiet is not enough for some to pick up on that their conversation is unwelcome, you need to tell him clearly and firmly, with words, tone and body language, that that kind of talk is not on.

I just don't drink much during company outings. It is better to be in control of ones own reactions and as far as I understand company outings are an extension of office hours so appropriate behaviour is necessary.

Agree with AF as well. You've played an equal part, and then decided after giving him plenty of signals that you've changed your mind. Both your actions are inappropriate so the only thing you do is make it clear that you want to keep it professional, and act on it from your side.

i dont understand why you didnt call him a taxi from the club you were at,why did you have to do it from your place and why his wife being out all night stops him from going home, was he locked out

You know what he is like, remove yourself from getting pissed with him and ending up 'just the two of you'.

If your company is large enough to have a decent HR team, I think I would mention it to them so you've got it on record. I would also have a straightforward conversation with him about boundaries

The first step in any potential harassment issue such as this is to VERY clearly tell the other person that their behaviour is unacceptable, unwelcomed and should stop immediately. Do not put yourself in any of these positions again and if he continues I would be recording it and reporting it.

yes you can report re behaviour on a company outing.

I wouldn't take it to HR at all, at this stage.

He has done absolutly nothing wrong. He has simply followed your lead, and then backed off when you stop encouraging him.

He is entitled to hint he is interested in a relationship, there is nothing wrong in that.

From your own description, he has hinted, and you have not given him any sort of clear answer - but now you are thinking of reporting him? He has just as much grounds for reporting you!

Email him now, explain clearly in simple, non angry words, that you feel the flirting between the two of you has gone further than you are comfortable with, and you would like to draw a line under it right now, and for no more flirting between you to ever happen again - I am sure you can phrase it better than I have done. Keep the email.

If he makes any further advances, THEN you would have cause for reporting him, but I would guess that he wouldn't.

You've both behaved inappropriately so I wouldn't report it as he's likely to tell all.
I never ever get drunk on work outings, it's never going to end well!
You need to tell him straight as you've given him signals.

" He has simply followed your lead.." and "giving him plenty of signals".

I disagree that the OP was the one leading. Also, the only signal she gave was not shutting this down earlier.

OP, don't report him, be smarter next time, don't get drunk and don't encourage him by not stopping him.

So you've by your own admission been flirting with him.

You invited him to stay at your flat... he may have been the one suggesting he phoned from your flat, but you were the one who suggested he bedded down there. You "were mortified when you realised what he wanted"... but did he? Did he actually try pushing any further than saying his wife was away? He might just have thought "actually, no one's going to worry, sofa sounds fine".

Then he asks you to untie the rope, and you choose to position yourself so your face is in his crotch.

I think If he puts that in a report then you could find yourself in trouble.

You seem to spend an awful lot of time being drunk at work functions. Do you have a problem with alcohol?

Yep

Even when you are out with colleagues you are still 'at work.'

You've got to set boundaries and if being drunk makes that difficult then don't get drunk with them.

I have always worked in fairly boisterous environments but realised now I am older and wiser that these people are not my friends, they are colleagues and there is a difference.

I'm not blaming you fur his behaviour but if you want him to stop or want to raise a grievance then you need to look at your own behaviour. Stay professional. Keep distant. Don't get drunk.

Agree with AF as well. You've played an equal part, and then decided after giving him plenty of signals that you've changed your mind. Both your actions are inappropriate so the only thing you do is make it clear that you want to keep it professional, and act on it from your side

I agree with this completely.