To seriously wonder why my DP isn't very compassionate?

[Voovinnie]

I've posted this thread in the miscarriage section (no replies yet), and whilst publishing I thought to myself ''perhaps DP really is heartless''. Please read and advise.

Hi ladies,

Sorry if this is quite lengthily but I really need some advice and support, I've never felt more alone and heartbroken.

Thursday, I had some light pink spotting of which I thought nothing of. I haven't had a period since January, and after countless visits to my GP about my concerns, it was always put down to them repeatedly taking pregnancy tests, and when they turned up negative, insisting it was just hormones.

About 2 or so months ago, my breasts starting producing colostrum (I even tasted it, and it was sweet like breast milk). My breasts were also getting huge. Again, no period. Flash forward to yesterday and I got these agonising cramps, so bad like nothing I've ever felt before. I was sitting at my desk at work, and then felt dampness and immediately ran to the loo. To my shock, there was lots of clotted, heavy blood. I decided A&E was needed since I was in so much pain in my left hand side of the uterus and the bleeding was getting heavier.

After waiting 6 HOURS to be seen, I had a vaginal examination, and a scan confirmed that there was a sac of around 10+ weeks gestation, but no baby to be seen. Many emotions ran through my head, and I was told to wait outside so the (relatively rude) doctor could put my notes together.

I was then called in briefly to be told I could either let things come away naturally, have a medical procedure or take some medication that'd help move things along. I opted for the medication, took the tablets and was then advised I needed to come in for another scan to make sure things were moving along swiftly, otherwise I could risk infection and may need a D&C if things weren't clearly considering the age of the sac. My scan is on Tuesday.

Nothing was explained to me, not even what 'type' of miscarriage it is. If I asked, my doctor just said everything would be confirmed Tuesday. Her only reply to my upset was ''I see it a planned pregnancy then?'' no it wasn't but it would've been wanted.

I didn't even know I was pregnant, but I feel like I've just lost a loved one I've known for years. When I arrived home and announced the miscarriage to my partner, his initial reaction was ''You're only 17, behave!'' Then he went on further to say ''But it's just a sac''. My reply was yes, but there was something inside it before. Miscarriages are severely painful no matter your age, if they hurt, they hurt big time.

He realised he'd been very hurtful and hugged me and told me everything would be okay. And realised his mistakes but then looked like a little lost boy of 21, facing me on the bed with no a clue what to say and told me he didn't know what to do, he was too immature and had never been in this type of situation before (like I have..) (I haven't).

I'll give him his due, he did dote on me all evening but every 10 minutes there was an ''are you okay now darling?'' And I felt guilty for making him upset. My initial reaction to his ''I'm really sorry'' was NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT THIS IS LIKE.. but then I realised he is really sorry for me, just not the situation.

I'm going through all this all alone and it's devastating because my DP is in no way apart of the emotional trauma. A lady before me outside the ward lost her baby (at 5 weeks) and was in tears with her partner who'd been TTC with her for a few years.

Today my partner is very much less forgiving and is starting to get impatient with my upset. I've been told to be prepared for a big bleed, so have been wearing these black, size 22 on my size 10 body, knickers. He found this hilarious and was borderline furious that I couldn't take the joke. (I don't think he put 2 and 2 together that I was wearing these because the contents of a lost pregnancy were expected).

Now he's just got off the phone from his Mum who's returned from holidays, and announced 'We're going out tomorrow'. Quite frankly, I don't want to go anywhere.

Am I being unreasonable? I know it's best to surround yourself with friends and family but I don't feel capable at all just yet. It hasn't even been 24hrs since I found out. He was all happy this morning and said ''I know what we'll do today, have a huge clear out!'' My head went numb, I'm in lots of pain, the last thing I want to do is be sparkling the loo.

How can I make him understand things a little better for me, emotionally and physically? He isn't being very understanding and I don't know what I can say to make him see sense, because if I try to explain he gets annoyed.

I wish I had someone to talk to, most of my friends are work mates etc have children and have very busy lives/doing things this weekend. I'd talk to my best friend, my Mum, but she isn't back from holidays until Monday and I'm exhausted after work.

Thank you all x x x

ilovesooty, funny you should say that. I asked what the plastic round thing was in the bathroom (was on the AIBU thread about the flannel), and his comment was a sarcy ''you think you're so mature don't you? What young women thinks about those things lol'' I found it quite patronizing really, even though he was generally interested.

I TELL YOU WHAT WOMAN, a woman that is financially independent and doesn't rely on anyone else for help. I pay my own way in this world, and I've no help from anyone else apart from you, of whom I split financial/important responsibilities with. That's fucking who.
(All this was said in my head as I stormed to the loo)

It's got nothing to do with women being better at anything. I had a similar experience to yours at a young age and reacted in a way similar to your DP. I didn't know I was pregnant so didn't grieve or feel empty, just a bit shocked. We all react in our own way.

As for laughing at you re the underwear, on the face of it, it seems cruel but then you state that you were expecting him to understand why you were wearing underwear 6 sizes too big. I'm a woman and I don't understand why you did that.

Are you sure that this isn't more of an issue about how you communicate with each other rather than the different reactions you're having ?

Concentrate on yourself just now and worry about the relationship later.

Leaving this very instant has crossed my mind multiple times today, but what's held me back is the fact he's never usually like this and is very loving/friendly usually, although sometimes seems very young compared to me (which I know sounds a little silly, I'm quite a bit younger).

ohtheholidays, thank you, sincerely.
I wish I could take time off work, but I started this new job only 2 weeks ago and have already had 3 days away due to repetitive vomiting. I so badly want a week off though, but I'd hate to make a bad start. This job is very nicely paid (which isn't so common for a 17 year old girl), and I'd hate to sabotage any chances of being in good favors

OP, this is horrible for you. I had a very similar missed miscarriage with the same treatment and also didn't get a very good explanation from anyone. It is so hard to deal with and I think it is very hard to explain from your perspective and even harder to understand if you are not experiencing it/have experienced it. The empty feeling is only natural. Ours was a planned pregnancy we knew about and my DH was also devastated but he still couldn't understand how I felt, it just isn't as real when it isn't your body.

That doesn't mean he shouldn't be supportive though, I think you are right about the emotional maturity and he simply has no way of understanding and therefore is trying to get on with things to deal with it.

Sometimes I find the only way to get the message through is to be really blunt and graphic. If he can't understand the emotional side well, perhaps knowing about the physical side will help.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this OP, it is hard. As with any loss time does ease the pain

feezap, I do apologize for you loss. It's a bloody devastating thing to have no real answers either.

I hope you're okay now though

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like he sees this as basically a slightly bigger period for you, rather than a bereavement (not saying there is a right or wrong way for anyone to feel, just that I know people who feel that way). You may need to spell it out for him to understand and not worry about upsetting him.

Unfortunately maturity is only loosely related to chronological age.

(Btw if you are in the NE I know of a very nice group to meet up with/talk to. I should think there'd be one near wherever you are too).

Hi Viking. Thank you so much.

I'm in the South East, I live in Essex ????

The Miscarriage Association has a branch there, I think. My internet is dodgy tonight so I can't check properly, I'm sorry. And the nurses should know if there's anything near you.

I've had a miscarriage myself and when a male friend's girlfriend was going through similar, I found myself helping him with it. He genuinely couldn't see why his GF was so upset a couple of weeks later. As far as he was concerned it was literally some cells forming an embryo in a sack.

He wasn't meaning to be so uncaring to her, he just didn't understand that she had lost a baby rather than a few cells.

I bucked his fucking ideas up for him. But he is a really lovely guy who was unable to empathise with the situation.

Thank you all.

DP made a comment last night when he saw me tearful in bed "is it because you've lost the baby?"
My reply was of course! He told me he doesn't understand why because he knows it's bad but it can't be as bad as someone who knew they were pregnant? It's not like I knew I was even pregnant or anything.

^That was so painful, I bawled my eyes out and turned over to sleep.

OP, you sound very mature for your years and your 'D'P sounds incredibly immature.
Although he may not 'get' why you're feeling so devastated, the fact that it is clearly so upsetting for you should be enough for him to give you support and comfort - that's what good partners do.
As I've heard a few times on Mumsnet - 'he's showing you who he is' and that's a hurtful, immature little boy who doesn't deserve someone as together and mature as you sound.
You're obviously extremely hurt at the moment, get yourself out of there today and stay with your Mum who sounds like she'll give you the support you need.
I'm sorry you're going through this

You need time away from him permanently.
Go to your mum's.

You're both right. I've left this morning and gone to stay at my Mum's for a while.

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. Sometimes people can say the most hurtful things when they don't think. You sound very mature for 17, and unfortunately your dp sounds a bit immature. A miscarriage still hurts even if it wasn't a planned pregnancy. I think you should get some support from sudden infant death/miscarriage organisation. I'm not sure what it is called where you are. You will feel sad for a while, just make sure you go t your gp if you aren't able to manage the sadness in a few months. for you.

I'm so sorry to read what's happened to you. There is so much misunderstanding around miscarriage. Everyone has this idea of "it's just like a heavy period" which negates so much pain and hurt, physical and emotional. The loss is very real and your body has been going through physical and hormonal changes without you knowing, which can give you some very mixed up feelings.

Don't underestimate the hormonal aspect - you will have a large drop in pregnancy hormones which is a big crash for many women so you need to surround yourself with people who are calm, patient and loving. Glad you've gone to your Mum's for this as your DP clearly isn't that person.

Voovinnie, I am absolutely fine now, I really felt for you and wanted to let you know you're not alone. In fact, the more I've talked about it (not all the time obviously) the more people I have come across who have been through similar. That helped a lot.

The miscarriage association website has loads of help and information: www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

They also have ideas about ways to make your loss, I found the online forget-me-not meadow really helpful.

I hope your Mum is looking after you with lots of

*mark your loss

Thank you ladies.

What really comforts me is having something to remember my baby by. AIBU to get a tiny tattoo of a small teddy or foot (very tiny as I dislike tattoos unless very meaningful). I wouldn't have it on display, just perhaps on my pelvis to the side or something. But perhaps if I brought this up to DP he'd find it odd, but this baby was very real to me.

If not, what else could I consider? I'd plant a tree but we live in an apartment

Hi there and sorry to interrupt your thread OP.

As lots of you will know, we do periodically advise all our members to be aware that not everyone on t'internet is who they say they are, and that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster - emotionally or financially - than they can afford to spare.

That is all .

Oh no, I hope my post hasn't lead anyone to believe I want their money?

I'm confused as to why that's posted here? I do need emotional support but if never take anything fr m anyone

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's hard. Of course you aren't unreasonable to get a tattoo. You don't have to run it past anyone. If it is something you feel you would like, then do it.

Your DP sounds immature and whether or not he can understand how you feel, he needed to have respected those feelings. I just don't think he has the emotional awareness to be able to do that. I think a great indication of whether a partner is right for you, is how they react in the tough times that happen to us all. you need someone who can deal with the big or not nice stuff that happens to us in life, without being insensitive and dismissive and impractical. To me that's an essential quality.

Look after yourself

Why did EmanuelleMumsnet post that? OP hasn't asked for any money? She's even mentioned that she's financially independent.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I've never been pregnant but I can totally understand how heartbreaking this must be for you. Glad to hear you have a lovely mum to be there for you.

P.S. I think a small tattoo is a lovely idea.

My d-i-l suffered two miscarriages before our lovely grand-daughter arrived. I planted a little patio rose in a pot for each of them because I wanted to have something to remember them by. Do you have a balcony?

He's 21 & presumably didn't want a baby. He may not understand why you are not just relieved to not be pregnant.

It sounds as if you are at different stages in your life/outlook. Look For your support elsewhere, he doesn't sound capable of giving it (yet - he may mature at some stage).

It sounds as if you had what is known as a missed miscarriage. I had one at 8 or 9 weeks. Chose the natural option & tbh it was very straightforward. Heavy period followed by a scan to check everything has gone.