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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit used

27 replies

chocolateandcoffeearethebest · 22/08/2015 16:57

Lived in my current house for about 3 months and have a young child. My 5 year old is friendly with the child across the road and they are in the same class at school. I've been helping the mum with some gardening recently and she's said on more than one occasion that it's her daughters birthday this weekend and that she's organized a party. This has been said in front of my daughter so she's now aware a party happened this afternoon and she wasn't invited. I know people can invite who they like but it feels a bit like I've had my nose rubbed in it. aibu?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/08/2015 16:59

I'd stop all help with gardening, for a start!

Why would someone do that? It's so rude to tell a child about a party their friend is having and not invite her to it.

Think of it like this: you've lived there for three months and you already have this woman sussed. If she's got you gardening already she'd want you to do other things like childcare or taking her child to school etc before long. You know what you're dealing with now - she's not a friend.

WorraLiberty · 22/08/2015 17:02

I don't think the gardening is anything to do with it Confused

But can you clarify whether the child whose birthday it is, is your DD's friend or a sibling?

When the mother mentioned the party, did she actually invite your child?

Original poster
chocolateandcoffeearethebest · 22/08/2015 17:04

Worra, the child who's birthday it is is my DD's friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolateandcoffeearethebest · 22/08/2015 17:06

No, my daughter definitely not invited, didn't know what time it was being held until people turned up.

OP posts:
clam · 22/08/2015 17:08

Was the party in the garden you've been helping with? Double slap in the face if so.

fearandloathinginambridge · 22/08/2015 17:09

They're in the same class at school, you've been helping her out, you're new to the area ... If I was her I would have invited your dd to the party. It's rude not to. Unless your DD and her add are on bad terms?

ImperialBlether · 22/08/2015 17:09

I think the gardening has a lot to do with it! This neighbour has acted in a friendly manner to the OP; their children are in the same class and the OP has helped out with the garden. The neighbour has acted as though they are friends as well as neighbours.

To accept help in the garden and to talk to the child about the party while having no intention of inviting her is not a friendly or neighbourly thing to do.

swampytiggaa · 22/08/2015 17:14

Hmm. Mum of a school friend of my daughter was quite pushy before the holiday about her little angel coming to my house to keep my DD company whilst I was at work Hmm I was trying to formulate a polite response when I saw she was making a massive deal on fb about organising her DDs birthday party. Guess who didn't get an invitation? Next time she asked I said no. Just no.

Some people are cheeky feckers - some just don't think but either way it is hurtful.

Original poster
chocolateandcoffeearethebest · 22/08/2015 17:17

I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable to feel a bit offended! The girls are friendly although come to think of it my neighbour has discouraged them playing together (coming up with excuses when either has asked) unless I'm helping in the garden.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolateandcoffeearethebest · 22/08/2015 17:21

I actually feel really bad about it. I know no one else locally (and nor do my children) and having fled DV we've had to lose contact with anyone we knew before we came here. :(

OP posts:
bodenbiscuit · 22/08/2015 17:21

Mean, very mean of her to mention it knowing that your child wasn't invited.

MairzyDoats · 22/08/2015 17:23

How did you get involved with helping her in the garden? I think she's extremely rude and entitled! Your poor DD.

InTheBox · 22/08/2015 17:24

How very odd and indeed insensitive to your DD.

For a start stop with the garden help and following on keep your distance and if you pass her be civil and courteous. No need to encourage this friendship and be further used or set up for disappointment.

Sometimes we can't understand people and their reasons for doing certain things but we can understand and control our response to them.

WorraLiberty · 22/08/2015 17:26

It was rotten not to invite your DD then OP.

I still don't think the gardening is anything to do with it, as that's between you and her.

But if my DC were friends (even if only 'street friends') with someone new to the area, I would definitely make sure they were invited. Especially if I'd mentioned the party in front of that child.

fearandloathinginambridge · 22/08/2015 17:33

I think the two go hand in hand. I wouldn't be inclined to help out someone who was excluding my child for no apparent reason. Is she paying you to work on her garden OP?

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2015 17:47

She is rude and not very nice. Especially saying this in front of a child who is friends with her dd. Yes she can invite who she wants to her dd party, but it does not give her the green light to treat people like that. Stop with all favours now, and I would distance myself from her. I would also comment to her if I saw her; Oh how was 'Katies party' did she have a nice time, awww shame we could not make it, mabey next time eh as they are good friends. I have done this, I was so angry.

I invited a friend and her little boy to my ds party this year, as soon as she walked through the door, oh Tom is having a big Star Wars party next week, its going to be good, right in front of ds. No invite for ds Sad, despite her coming to ds party. Pictures on Facebook of everyone from our friendship group at his party, except for ds Sad. That hurt, she did not need to tell us that at ds party right in front of him. I just made a comment to her, next time I saw her. She looked very embarrassed.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2015 17:48

She does not want to encourage the girls friendship, unless you are helping in her garden, ditch the user, your dd does not need this, she will make other friends.

Tiggeryoubastard · 22/08/2015 17:56

Maybe it was just a family party and it just didn't occur to her to mention that.

AdoraBell · 22/08/2015 17:56

Well her garden is obviously sorted out now, so she doesn't your help anymore, does she?

Just keep being polite but start concentrating on your garden/home/DCs/making friends etc.

Quite bad IMO to directly tell a child about a party they are not invited to.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2015 17:58

Still she should have said its a family party or not say anything. It is significant that mum is trying to discourage the friendship except when op is helping her in the garden.

Original poster
chocolateandcoffeearethebest · 22/08/2015 18:17

Garden nowhere near finished so maybe I need to be busy!

OP posts:
pictish · 22/08/2015 18:25

You definitely need to be busy. Never make someone a priority, when they only make you an option.
No more gardening.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2015 18:30

No more gardening, be busy, you will make friends with others in time as you settle. Put her to the side now.

Rarity08 · 22/08/2015 18:33

Cheeky cow. I too recommend no more help gardening. How mean.

DoreenLethal · 22/08/2015 18:33

NO maybe about it! Pop an invoice through her door and when she questions it, say 'Oh I thought we were friends but it seems not so I'll have to be charging you'.