To be feeling very depressed about my life

[Overthebridge]

I am noticing an increase in Christmas threads already and I don't know if that's prompted how I feel but I have felt so depressed for a while now and it's now showing any signs of going. I will spend Christmas alone like I always do and I will be alone for I expect 90% of the year. Those 'look back at your year' things in Facebook show maybe two or three events I went to and that's it.

I do try to do quite a lot but it's rarely conducive in finding actual permanent company or friendship and increasingly recently I wonder if this is going to be what the rest of my life is like and if it is I don't want it - I just don't want it to be like this but it is and I can't seem to do anything to change it.

What have you tried to do so far to change it? Have you taken up any hobbies? Tried to find friends online? What kind of interests do you have and roughly how old are you?

I've done absolutely loads to try and change it which is why I just feel hopeless and exhausted now. To a point things change but ultimately they don't.

Are you on any medication for your depression? If not, please go and see your GP.

If you are clinically depressed, it can be like being at the bottom of a well - all you see is walls, and you feel like you can't get out. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad - do small things that make you happy for now, and give yourself space to work it out.

I may do but am concerned re side effects. Also, there's the niggling doubt that fundamentally it won't change anything - it might help it stop being so horribly painful but it won't actually change anything.

No, but perhaps if it isn't so horribly painful it may enable you to change things on your own?

I've lived with someone who had severe depression for a couple of years and it was very hard to be around them until they had treatment. Perhaps going to see your GP would be a good step if you've exhausted meeting people through other channels?

No one knows. Everyone would be shocked if they knew I was posting this, I'm very good at seeming very happy and outgoing. Plus pathetic as it sounds I can't afford the prescription charge.

You definitely should go to your GP - even if you are not sure you are depressed, they will be able to assess this. The way you're posting seems like you are in a lot of pain.

If you were prescribed medication, it would likely be a low dose of something that has minimal side effects that would fade pretty soon (e.g. upset tummy for a day or so after starting, odd dreams). It's not that medication is a cure-all (it isn't), but it can help lift you out of that dark, paralysing space where you feel that nothing can change, you know?

If you didn't want to go that way and if you have some spare cash, I'd suggest seeing someone who is qualified in Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT). This book is really good The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness.

OP, I'm sorry you are feeling like this. Remember nothing is ever perfect, and try not to compare your inside to others' outsides.

Just saw you're having money struggles OP - not pathetic at all. We've all been there.

I think if you see your GP and you mention about not being able to afford the prescription costs they may be able to help - someone else may know more about it than me but there are prescription charge schemes.

Thanks pand. I don't think it would be applicable for me (the money thing) as its temporary but still, I have to somehow get through, I just don't want to. The more I think about it the more I realise that's the case. I could try, I could attempt to change some stuff, but why? I don't want to be here or to exist.

Your health needs to be number 1! If you have depression it NEEDS to be treated. Cut down somewhere else to pay for the script. Not sure where you are, but there should be some scheme that can help. I would get rid of Facebook, or Fakebook. Especially if you are prone to depression. I was at a lunch on Thursday and none of us at the table had it, (8 of us). Can you join a church? Volunteer anywhere? Go onto meetup? Do a course? Work? Do a weekend workshop? Friends are out there, a life is out there, YOU are the only one who can do this! Depression makes everything seem awful so please get that treated. A lot of people get sad around Xmas. I will be having my 2nd Xmas as a young widow, with children. But I know I have to make the best of it for my kids. Everyone goes through shit, you need to manage it. Xmas day in my area you can volunteer at a community event for the homeless, or could you go along to an event like this?

Yeah, I know.

Thing is, I do loads of voluntary work. I'm rarely in. I've dedicated my life to other people. I still go home to an empty house.

You actually need to get on a waiting list to volunteer for some places at Christmas. Did you know that?

Im sorry you lost your husband.

Yes, there are prescription prepayment cards which reduce costs.

You are right in that medication doesn't tackle the root cause but you have to start somewhere.

When will you be financially solvent again? Do you work? Have you explored volunteering?

I've spent Christmas alone for a good many years now. I'm on holiday alone at the moment. In the past I've been on singles holidays and others where a lot are in the same boat.

Also if you're on Facebook don't assume that everyone else is having a brilliant company filled time. It just looks like that.

Ok, so during the day you are ok. Is it just at home? Could you get a pet for company or a flat mate? My apologies I go into "fix it" mode when someone is depressed. I know the feeling, it is a deep dark hole.

X post. I do loads of volunteering as well as working. The empty house is quite welcome - my time out is stimulating enough.

I know there are waiting lists for Christmas volunteering. I'm going away - I did do Christmas at home once but I tried a change of scenery last year and I'm going to do it again.

Can you take in a lodger?

If I knew somebody was alone for Xmas I would invite them, are you in Aus? and I know many people who have done or would do the same. Can you start talking about it now with people? I bet you will get an invitation, or better still you could put something on for other people who are alone.

Mermaid you sound lovely.

My own sister made it clear some years ago that she wasn't going to extend an invitation to me and it was always left to me to ensure that my mother wasn't alone, so I just get on with things now!

Thank you. I definitely would get an invitation but it isn't a good thing, all in all. Hard to explain, but you feel rather as if you have imposed.

Finances should improve in the next couple of months - it's a temporary situation - but I just feel so low and feel as if I don't like myself and like crying all the time but I can't actually cry!

The way I felt about taking anti-depressants is that it won't change things but it gives you some steps up the ladder on the way back to health.

The awful thing about being stuck in the grip of depression in my experience is the belief that nothing will ever change, I won't ever get better and I just don't have the energy either mentally or physically to keep on going. These very untrue beliefs are symptoms of the depression. If you haven't had it I just don't think you can appreciate just how all-engulfing and overwhelming the feelings are.

Within a few weeks of starting anti-D's I was able to get food down, start to sleep and just felt less disconnected and weird. They couldn't change the fact I was in a terrible relationship or that my Mum had recently died, but I did have the strength and will to keep on going instead of going to bed each night and wishing I wouldn't wake up the next day.

Please please go to your GP and explain about the financial probs. There surely must be a way to help. Tell them about your fears regarding side effects too. You will be started on a low dose if you choose to try medication which allows your body to get used to it and then you can build up slowly to a regular dose. I found Prozac the worst for side-effects and had virtually no probs on Citalopram. It can take around 6 weeks for them to really kick in but hopefully very soon you will feel that life is worth living.

Also, pretending to others that everything is ok is flipping exhausting. Is there anyone in RL you can tell. I'd be gutted if someone around me was bottling up the fact they felt so depressed.

Facebook is toxic when you feel like this I think. People don't post the shit things. They cherry-pick the things that will look interesting and make them seem popular and having a permanently fab time.

Hugs and .

Sorry you're feeling like this. I think others have brilliant advice, I just wanted to chip in re anti-depressants. There are lots of different ones and your doctor would start you on a low dose of one - if there were side effects they'd try you on another. The starting dose is always very small, so you're not going to find yourself confronted with extreme side effects. I didn't have any side effects, taking anti depressants changed my life and is one of the best decisions I've ever made. Good luck.

Can you ask for a referral (or self refer) to your local iapt service for free metal health treatment? www.iapt.nhs.uk