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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re ex contacting me or is dp?

24 replies

Bunt · 21/08/2015 22:06

Dd is 10. Her biological father hasn't seen her since she was 6 months old and lives abroad. Makes half hearted contact with me every few years, has never spoken to Dd.

Dp (we've been together 2 years) and I were lying in bed the other night when the aforementioned ex send me a picture of himself..... Hmm ... He then proceeded to send photos of his night out throughout the night, along with some weird videos.

In the morning Dp sent him a message saying how pathetic he is and how could he not even wish Dd happy bday a few weeks ago.

I later explained, saying he'd woken us up and Dd is fine and happy. I then blocked him from my phone.

Tonight I get an invite from him from another number to download some chat app thing. Dp got really angry, asking him why he is contacting me etc.

Dd's father left us in a bad situation, rarely contacted me and has never helped us financially, nor sent as much as a letter to dd. Dp thinks I ought to stop giving him chances.

Who's bu?

OP posts:
BackInTheRealWorld · 21/08/2015 22:09

Your ex is a nob. He isn't trying to contact his daughter. So he can fuck off.

Itllbefiiiiiiiiine · 21/08/2015 22:11

Why would you BU, it doesn't sound as though you have got an opinion on this.

FWIW, I agree with your dp.

MilesHuntsWig · 21/08/2015 22:13

Why on earth are you giving him chances? I think your DP should not get involved, but I think you should just not engage with your ex.

Original poster
Bunt · 21/08/2015 22:17

I have tried to stay neutral towards him and keep lines of communication open for dd's sake... Dp sees this as giving him a chance which he doesn't deserve.

I feel confused. Annoyed dp has taken it upon himself to shoot down the ex, but equally wondering if actually he has a point.

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 21/08/2015 22:18

I remember you posting before after the night your ex kept messaging you. He is an idiot with no thought for his daughter and has no business contacting you unless it is to discuss maintenance or your dd. I would set up an email address and tell him he can email a letter to your dd through that but any other contact will be ignored

coolaschmoola · 21/08/2015 22:19

In this situation I would be blocking the ex, but I would also be absolutely livid at dp for speaking for me.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 21/08/2015 22:27

Didn't you post this last week?Confused

BackInTheRealWorld · 21/08/2015 22:29

thing is your ex hasn't shown any interest in being in his daughters life. She is 10 ffs. Even if he suddenly decided he did want to see her he wouldn't stay in contact. He is in touch with you only sporadically, and still showing no interest in her. I'd fuck him right out of it.

FarFromAnyRoad · 21/08/2015 22:29

Massive deja vu here - why have you posted again as if it only just happened?

Original poster
Bunt · 21/08/2015 22:30

Dp knows I would rather just ignore it, but he feels the ex needed to be told how inappropriate he was being. I think he also feels angry on dd's part and wanted to express this too.... He called him a shitbag Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunt · 21/08/2015 22:32

Yes I did post last week when the first incident happened. I couldn't find the thread so thought I'd start s new one after tonight's incident.

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 21/08/2015 22:37

Well your ex is a shitbag and as he has taken over the parenting role your ex couldn't be bothered with he has every right to call him that. Don't allow him to become an issue in your relationship

trashcanjunkie · 22/08/2015 00:02

I had a similar thing with my ds. Never had any intact with his dad, but I had extremely sporadic contact where he'd try and get into my knickers. I basically fell for a load of spiel when ds was almost ten, and agreed to let him make contact. It was an absolute fucking disaster, as exp had never been arsed about his son. Just wanted to control me/play mind games.

It affected my poor ds terribly when ex disappeared suddenly. I really fucking regret being so reasonable. If I had my time over, there'd be no bending over backwards, or keeping lines of communication over. I wouldn't have made it difficult, but I certainly wouldn't have been consistently making it super easy (not saying you did, this was me)

Basically if he's not fought tooth and nail to have an independent relationship with his daughter, he's a lowlife deadbeat dad. She's definitely better off without him anywhere near him. Sorry for you both, and glad you have a Dp who is watching your back.

ollieplimsoles · 22/08/2015 00:06

As I said on your last thread:

Fuck him. He has had enough chances. Let him back now he will blow it in some way and hurt your DD. Take it from me.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/08/2015 02:27

Is he trying to rebuild a r/s with your DD?
If he is, then he's going about it the wrong way. I would not wamt him to in her life a the chances of him fucking up are so great... Either being a dick, or DD getting attached to him and then him disappearimg for another decade...

I would just email him a paragraph, then block.
I suspect he'll just disappear when a better offer comes along

Mermaidhair · 22/08/2015 04:22

Op it sounds to me like you are enjoying him contacting you, and maybe you have feelings for him still. He sounds like a huge looser. Why else are you thinking about it? I would be so angry that he isn't bothered about my dd.

moggiek · 22/08/2015 04:38

Agree with Mermaid.

Original poster
Bunt · 22/08/2015 06:42

No, it's really not a case of that. We were never in love, we were more mates really and dd was completely unplanned...

My dad had said it was important to keep the lines of communication open, for dd's sake.

I don't know, I'm not really angry at him, dd has no interest in him so I've never been bothered either way when he contacts.

OP posts:
ginnybag · 22/08/2015 06:58

Your DD has a father, from the sounds of things, and like most good fathers, he's protective of his little girl.

He might not have expressed it in the best, most eloquent way, but I can see why he's angry.

At the same time, though, you can't actually do much to stop your ex from contacting you, and I can equally see that after 10 years, you're more inclined to polite apathy than frothing outrage still.

Fwiw, I think you should completely ignore any and all future communications, and just delete without reading. By responding, you're only feeding into whatever game is being played, so leave the ex messaging into silence. When he gets no reaction, he'll likely stop again all on his own.

bittapitta · 22/08/2015 07:07

This isn't an appropriate way for him to communicate with you or DD. Tell him you will only receive communication for her via a specific email address (set up a separate gmail) or postal address (if you're happy sharing that). Your DD doesn't know this man at all. You shouldn't be chatting on a mobile app, that's not helping her. Your DP doesn't sound Unreasonable BTW.

Original poster
Bunt · 22/08/2015 07:11

Thank you everyone, this thread has been really helpful Smile

OP posts:
Mermaidhair · 22/08/2015 08:50

If he is contacting you because he wants to talk to his dd that is different. It is highly inappropriate for him to be in contact with you the way he has been. I don't blame your dp being annoyed. It just seems so obvious that I don't understand why you even need to ask. Are you sure you aren't enjoying it slightly?Wink It must give you some satisfaction that he is contacting you while on a night out, especially how he left you. Mumsnetters know best...keep the fuck away from him!

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2015 09:03

Op, I agree with your dp telling him how inappropriate he was. Would delete and bock him. He is not a father, he has not tried to contact his dad to see how she is and wish her happy birthday, but be a total utter prat. Cut ties and show your dad that she does not have to put up with substandard treatment from her 'father'

liletsthepink · 22/08/2015 09:29

Send him a bill for 10 years worth of maintenance and do this each time he contacts you. He'll soon disappear back under the rock he crawled out of!

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