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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU (another wedding one, sorry!)

26 replies

Katie2001 · 20/08/2015 13:42

I suspect reading this back I already know the answer, but would be interested in your opinions.

A work colleague was getting married, I knew her quite well (had also covered her mat leave). She would ask me to meet every day for lunch, which I was happy to do, and she would spend the time talking about all her wedding 'stuff'. This went on for several months. One day she brought the sample invitations in and showed me. That afternoon she emailed me to say that the wedding was only 'close family and friends' so unfortunately there was no room for me to be invited.

I guess (to my shame) I must have said something implying I thought she would invite me, which triggered the email. She also brought the pictures in afterwards and showed them to me. It was held in a castle with about 100 guests.

AIBU to be a bit miffed?

OP posts:
RainbowFlutterby · 20/08/2015 13:44

I think you are - sorry. Youre a colleague, not a friend.

Spilose · 20/08/2015 13:44

Mmmm, YABU.

Mate she just wasn't inviting colleagues?

Different people have different perceptions of who they class as "close family" and friends

GummyBunting · 20/08/2015 13:45

YANBU. It's her wedding and she can invite or not invite who she wants, but bugger it I'd be miffed too.

Are you sure there wasn't a bigger reason you weren't invited? You've never dated her dad or anything?

Original poster
Katie2001 · 20/08/2015 13:50

Gummy that made me laugh - no I haven't. It did look like a 'couples' rather than a 'singles' wedding so that might be why. I knew I was being a bit unreasonable, I think it just felt like another time I hadn't quite made the cut (just before that I'd been invited to another friend's hen-do, but not the wedding....)

OP posts:
Tangoandcreditcards · 20/08/2015 13:51

Hmm, I have 23 close family members (siblings, 1st cousins and partners only) - not counting kids! So if I only had 27 seats left at a wedding (assuming I got half) then I could only, say, invite 13 couples - that wouldn't even cover some people I consider close colleagues and friends.

YABU.

SymbollocksInteractionism · 20/08/2015 14:01

YANBU to feel a wee bit miffed but think of all the hassle and expense you've saved! Smile

CasperGutman · 20/08/2015 14:21

YANBU to wish you had been invited if you think of her as a reasonably close friend. Don't fall out about it though!

We didn't invite any colleagues to our wedding. There were a few people I'd have quite liked to have there, but it was difficult to decide where to draw the line.

Inviting people I was friendly with would be awkward if I didn't invite closer colleagues or my line manager, for example. It was just easier if nobody from work came.

Original poster
Katie2001 · 20/08/2015 14:48

Thanks all, I think I was looking forward to it after hours of 'satin or silk? What colour for the bridesmaids? DP is being useless' etc etc and I just didn't think it through. She lives in New Zealand now (I've not taken it personally).

OP posts:
Dynomite · 20/08/2015 14:55

Our wedding is coming up soon. Around 100 guests, almost all family,we actually have only 10 friends...these are the closest,who we've known from uni/high school. No work colleagues (except one who was my best mate in uni and still is, we just happen to work together).

Pancakeflipper · 20/08/2015 14:57

Perhaps the bride and groom have a very large families and masses of close friends?

Or perhaps the groom had 80 guests and she only had 20?

Don't worry, if you enjoy the friendship continue.

And be happy she saved you loads of money on not attending her wedding.

Dynomite · 20/08/2015 14:57

But it is a bit off to talk to you about the wedding so much, ask your advice etc. I would have invited you or not done all that in the first place.

Northernpowerhouse · 20/08/2015 14:59

I think if I wasn't planning on inviting someone I would feel a bit embarrassed boring them with all the details :-)

Northernpowerhouse · 20/08/2015 15:01

x posted with Dynomite - exactly!

Pancakeflipper · 20/08/2015 15:05

I love hearing about wedding planning... but don't invite me if I have to take masses of annual leave from work/have a nightmare of childcare to sort/ have to wear a particular colour etc....

But do tell me about it cos I love hearing all about.

Doje · 20/08/2015 15:06

We had 100 guests and it WAS only family and very close friends! Numbers stack up really quickly when everyone has a partner.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/08/2015 15:14

Months of daily chat about it, you listening patiently? Colleagues and neighbours often get invited to an evening event if there is one so ywnbu, you might have reasonably thought an evening invitation was possible. Wedding budgets being a headache it just isn't possible to invite everyone. She probably realised she might have given you the wrong impression after dangling the sample invitations, without you necessarily having uttered anything, hence the "close family and friends" line.

Witchend · 20/08/2015 15:27

We had 120 guests of whom around 50-60 were family. However almost none of my/dh's cousins/siblings were married and none of them had children. If I got married again then there would be around 90 family if I wanted to invite the same level of family. And almost half my cousins are under 18 still. Dh's family are much of the same age as him so have reproduce a certain number.

So unless you recognised lots of collegues then I'd assume she was telling the truth.

Original poster
Katie2001 · 20/08/2015 15:33

Thanks all, it makes sense now re the numbers, I only saw one other colleague there. Wedding planning sounds like hell.

OP posts:
LilacRain · 20/08/2015 17:07

I think she was rude to keep talking to you about her wedding plans and invitations when she had no intention of inviting you. Or she should have been clear at the start it was only close friends and family, so you could have opted not to listen. Otherwise it's like planning a big party and going on and on about it to one colleague, then telling her she's not invited.

I find it really boring when people go on about wedding plans. One of the women at my old workplace had a big fancy wedding and spent 3years planning it. By the time it came to it, we knew the 5-course menu off by heart, the hairstyles of the bridesmaids, the details of cake, dresses, manicures, favours, flowers, shoes, table decorations, honeymoon etc etc. Only 3 colleagues were invited, and only to the evening-do not the reception or meal. After the wedding, she moaned for a few months about all the things that went wrong on the day and how much debt they were in Confused

YANBU to feel a bit upset. You were nice enough to listen to her wedding plans and share in her excitement, and it was a big wedding with 100 guests, not a tiny family ceremony.

AmeliaNeedsHelp · 20/08/2015 18:36

Minimal family (those we see at least once a month) would be 50 for us. Add remaining aunts, uncles and cousins to avoid family fall outs put our guest list up to 150. Some people just have big families.

That said, I do think it's odd to show you the invitations when you're not getting one.

RaspberryOverload · 20/08/2015 20:10

just before that I'd been invited to another friend's hen-do, but not the wedding

I saw this and thought this was rude. I always thought you'd only invite people to a hen-do if you were also inviting them to the wedding.

Original poster
Katie2001 · 21/08/2015 09:33

I think I might have been a last-minute reserve for the hen do, it was the proper works of a spa day, dinner etc, and I didn't get invited till a week before. 3 years planning a wedding LilacRain? I'd have been over it after a year if it had been my own wedding!

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 21/08/2015 09:40

She was NBU to not invite colleagues to a wedding, but she was BVVVVVVU to go on about it to someone who was not invited.

iamanintrovert · 21/08/2015 09:47

I think her behaviour was a bit unreasonable. A bit exploitative even. Is she in a slightly senior position to you?

Original poster
Katie2001 · 21/08/2015 09:53

No, she wasn't senior to me, I'm just a bit soft (which I'm working on) and she loved talking about it so I just let her run on.

OP posts:
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