To wonder if this is enough grounds for divorce due to domestic violence?

[Sinkingships]

Since ExH and I split I've felt quite ambivalent about divorcing him, not becuase of any residual feelings for him but rather due to the emotional and financial strain of having to go through the whole process. There are no custody issues to dispute and neither of us have any assets of value so it was never about the money I would get from him. I would really struggle to afford to go through it on my own and he is not going to be forthcoming with any assistance towards the fees (I've asked). I will do it in the future but as I am in no rush to remarry or anything, it hasn't taken up a lot of my headspace.

Until now.

He has been saying some unbelievably cruel and nasty things about me behind my back and I've just had enough now. I want a divorce, yesterday if possible, and if I could I would absolutely take 50% or more of everything he has, as payment for having to put up with 8 years of his bullshit (although this is unlikely as he has no money). I'm slightly conflicted about changing my name back as the DC's have his name but I really feel like now it's HIS name and I don't want it anymore.

Only thing is, when I've discussed it with him, he pretty much said that if I give any reasons for the divorce that would 'screw him over', then he wouldn't agree to sign the papers and the whole thing would just drag on. So basically he knows I can't put anything too bad or I can't divorce him because I can't afford to go to court to fight it out with him. The only way I could get legal aid is if there was domestic abuse involved.

I had always maintained to people that he never physically abused me, as I didn't feel what he did was that bad (I have been abused before so my views on this may be affected) but there were a few occasions.

One was where I hit him in the back after he called me a disgusting name and he slammed my wrist into the cupboard several times so hard that the whole side of my hand was bruised from wrist to fingertips and I couldn't carry things for a few days (admittedly I hit him first, not proud of this at all).

The other was when I found him standing over ds in his bed, shouting at him, so I pushed him away and he slapped me hard round the face.

The last was the day I finally broke up with him and he grabbed me round the throat then 'threw' me across the pavement so hard I felt my neck crack and I fell to the ground.

All these instances were quite a long time ago now, and spread out over time, but are they enough to warrant domestic abuse? Aibu to want to get rid of the scumbag bastard once and for all?

I don't know anything about divorce or law, but I would say yes, you have grounds. Each of these incidents is disgusting. Good luck to you

sink don't want to read and run, and you will get wiser vipers than me. But to me that sounds exactly like abuse and dv. Standing shouting at your dc in bed, that is cruel and intimidating. Shutting your wrist in the door? God that made me feel sick. Imagine if I was telling you that this had been done to me, I bet you would be outraged on my behalf.

Please contact Women's Aid and get some advice. Good luck

You need to go and see a solicitor, but in brief, you can't divorce someone for DV.
You can divorce them for 'unreasonable behaviour', and DV can be examples of this, but he can obviously 'contest' the reasons you give, and counter-petition you back to drag things out.
A solicitor can advise you better, but it was my understanding that for a watertight unreasonable behviour petition, you need to give 3 examples, and none of them can be more than 6 months old.
And 'unreasonable behaviour' doesn't have to be things that the judge finds unreasonable. They need to be unreasonable to you.

If your priority is to get the divorce done quickly and cheaply, there isn't much to be gained from including reasons that will rile your STBXH, if it means he then contests it and drags it out. It will cost money and build resentment.
Yes, you can argue 'why shouldn't you make what he did a matter of public record', but it might be easier to just come up with some other examples of twattish behaviour instead, if it means it is done and dusted quickly.

But you really must talk this through with a solicitor.

The problem is sparechange that I really cannot afford to divorce him at all if I can't get legal aid of some description. Since ExH won't help pay any of the costs and I can't afford it on my own, the only way I can do it is if I get some help from somewhere.

I totally get what you're saying though, and I have no desire to be vindictive or petty about it at all I just want to tell the truth. I'm not out to score points or anything, I just want my life back and my connection to him broken for good. I'm pretty sure that most of the stuff I could use as unreasonable behaviour he would contest - he was a drug addict, he was emotionally abusive outside of the other stuff I've given examples of and so on. Hence why him saying I can't put down anything that would 'screw him over' or he won't agree to it.

I was told you must have corroborating evidence for DV legal aid - you need to have told a professional of some sort, seen your GP about injuries, called police, told a social worker that kind of thing.

I am not a legal eagle but that's what I've heard

how long have you been separated?

Have a look here - www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce. If you've been separated for 5 years, you can get a divorce even without his consent. If 2 years, you can get a divorce if you both consent. Neither of these require any kind of statement as to unreasonable behaviour/adultery.

If I were you, I'd go for the cheapest, easiest option and just get rid. If you go for unreasonable behaviour, you have to write a statement detailing at least some of the behaviours that you found unreasonable. I imagine your ex will start kicking off at this, and cause you a lot of unneeded stress and strife, and expense. Personally, I wouldn't bother, I would just want it done.

The court fee is £410, but if you're on a low income/benefits, you can get assistance with this.

Do you have to sort out financial arrangements? If not, you can get divorced without legal advice by filling in the relevant forms. If your ex is going to be difficult though, you will need a solicitor.

Using the website above, follow the pages through, and it gives you sample statements to use depending on the reason for the divorce (ie. adultery, unreasonable behaviour, 2 years or 5 years separation).

That's the thing will, I can't even afford the £410! I'm not eligible for any benefits although I am on a low income.

What sort of financial arrangements? ExH has no money/assets for me to share and we have no joint finances at all.

We've been separated almost 2 years. I really want a clean break clause so I can prevent him getting anything off me in the future but that costs even more money I don't have!

Yuo need legal advice, so maybe you should post on the legal board here too - I'm pretty sure you can get costs awarded against him, so he has to pay regardless, but I don't know what you would need to do for that to happen.

However, his phsysical abuse of you is definitely "that bad" - you were bruised, you were partially throttled, you were slapped around the face - they all individually constitute assaults, so having done it 3 times then that's reason enough to divorce him on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour.

It doesn't matter if he has no money either. What does matter is this nasty bastard having open access to your DC, and if you go for a "no fault" divorce without mentioning any of the bad stuff, that's what he'll get.

He's trying to scare you, it's working, and that's why you need legal advice - because you need to know exactly what you can achieve and what you can't.

If you go to the CAB you can get one hour of free legal advice. Personally, if I were in your position and my primary goal was to obtain a divorce from him as quickly as possible, I would have a conversation with him asking what grounds he would be prepared to consent to a divorce on. For example, irreconcilable differences. Although all of the things you have mentioned absolutely do constitute a domestic violence situation, you have nothing to gain at this point from using them as ground to divorce him unless you wish to proceed in a criminal claim against him for these actions. The financial costs will be outlined clearly to you by the solicitor but make sure that you have provision for maintenance included and agreed as part of the terms of your divorce. Under no circumstances would I allow him to use this as a bartering tool to agree to the divorce, if he chooses to try and do that it may be a case of accepting you might have to go down the longer routre. I believe that legal aid is available in cases of domestic violence still but a solicitor is best placed to advise you there. Straight to the local CAB and find out where you stand x

of course this was domestic violence. I am astounded you think it isn't

call Women's Aid - they can advise. You may well get legal aid. And ignore his bullying about refusing a divorce. He won't have the choice.

I don't think "irreconcilable differences" is grounds for divorce in England. If you divorce due to separation I don't think you can claim costs. Incidents must be less than 6 months old but you can include older incidents with the newer ones.

(No legal training, but I had a long, drawn out, bitter, expensive divorce.)

Glogirl is correct - for the purposes of legal aid, the DV needs to be corroborated by a police report, stay in a refuge, social services involvement or involvement with a DV service within the last 2 years.

Is that less than 6 months before you separated or less than 6 months from now? If so I'm screwed.

I think it's called unreasonable behaviour now flutterby but it's still grounds for divorce as far as I know.

I don't have any of that welsh, I never reported it to anyone as I didn't feel I was sufficiently injured to warrant it :( There may be some cooperation from SS though.

If I'm understanding correctly, you're asking if these incidents are enough to qualify as domestic abuse such that you will be entitled to legal aid. You say they're a long time ago, and it sounds like you don't have any evidence, so no, I don't think they'll be enough for you to get legal aid.

That's not meant to be unsympathetic - I do think those incidents are DV, I just don't think they'll make you eligible for legal aid.

Getting divorced now is going to stop him saying awful things. If you want the divorce to go through as easily as possible, it might be an idea to let things sit for a bit till emotions aren't running as high. He may take up with a new woman and decide he wants to be "free" again anyway.

That was meant to be say ISN'T going to stop him sayign awful things.

You can change your name right now without waiting for divorce if that would help.
In your position I would wait for 2 years separation then find £410 from somewhere and file for basically a no fault divorce. It seems unlikely he would contest it. No solicitors fees or animosity (more than you already have)

He already has a new woman biblio, and he lives with her and her kids but doesn't bother seeing his own. No doubt he lied to her about me or I can't see what on earth she would see in him.

But yes, that was what I was trying to ascertain. I had a feeling it wouldn't be enough. I know I should just swallow my pride and scrape together the money to pay for it on my own it just feels like yet another thing in a long line of things that's he's forced me to do, and yet another time I'm indirectly defending him by not telling the truth about what he did and why we split up - I don't want it to be 'officially' no ones fault because it WAS his fault. But I guess I have no choice if I want to be rid of him. I know I should be the bigger person but it's difficult.

It's annoying, but even if the divorce petition did say what he did wrong, nobody will ever look at it anyway. Eyes on the prize - you're out to get your freedom, not vindication, which you'll never really get. People will believe what suits them to believe.

Sorry Sinking - I got lost with password resets!

Yes it is "unreasonable behaviour", that's the reason for my divorce. Unfortunately that lays the blame for the marriage breakdown at someone's feet and can be contested (which I think you're trying to avoid?).

Also, yes it is in 6 months from now as you are deemed to have accepted it if it was longer ago.

Sinking, I was in the same position. An ExH who had driven our relationship into the ground, been abusive to me, abused drugs and STILL wanted to blame me for us splitting up.
He gave me the same deal - keep it neutral, or he would make it cost me by contesting everything. In the end, my petition mentioned him refusing to let me take unpaid maternity leave in order to pay my share of the bills, not coming home at the time he said he would after going out for work events, and spending more than agreed on a car.

At the time, I was furious. I wanted to name the times I'd been pushed down stairs, or hit, the times he had done drugs in the house.
My solicitor pointed out that you don't get awarded extra assets for having suffered more. The petition is a pass/fail - either it meets the threshold to be grounds for divorce or it doesn't. A horror story doesn't mean you get more assets.

And while it is a public document, unless he is a celebrity, no one is going to go looking for it. Realistically, the only chance of it being read in the future is if one of your descendants goes on 'Who do you think you are', or traces a family tree. His current girlfriend won't read it, nor will any future ones. It won't be searchable on Google, for example...

As someone else said upthread, you can change your name now, you can rebuild your life without him. You can start considering (and describing) yourself 'divorced', if that makes a mental leap from 'separated'.

Just a thought - and someone will come along and correct me probably

As you are technically still married and he is living with his girlfriend, could you divorce him for adultery or desertion?

Rainbow
Once an official separation has started, you can't count any relationships after that as adultery, I believe...
If he hooked up with an OW after separating, you would still have to prove something went on beforehand. Proof that they are living/sleeping together after separation doesn't count as proof of adultery during the marriage.

Thank you sparechange.

The fact that he has set up home with her might count against him when it comes to dividing the marital assets though...
As he has already housed himself, he won't have as much of a strong claim in order to find somewhere to live...