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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think women can't win when it comes to having a baby

20 replies

warrengandnatedogg · 19/08/2015 18:59

I recently got pregnant at the age of 33 (34 when baby is born) at a time in my life when I've been with my partner over 6 years, thankfully in good health, on the property ladder, steady job, no debt, etc etc.

I have been told that I'm "so young! Are you sure you're ready?" by one family member and also asked three times by another "aren't the doctors worried about you being an old mum?".

I mean, it's objectively a pretty good time in my life to have a baby and socially at least (graduate, in a city) I could not be more average if I tried!

I was just reading this in the Independent: www.independent.co.uk/voices/for-men-its-always-the-right-time-to-have-kids-in-the-eyes-of-society-for-women-its-the-opposite-10462576.html

...and it feels like women can't win can they? Do people just want something to have a go at us about?

OP posts:

Littleoakhorn · 19/08/2015 19:15

I think people are sometimes a little short on conversation and pregnancy is an obvious thing to talk about. Some comments are lovely and supportive, others aren't so much.

PrettyPoppies · 19/08/2015 19:18

I was 34 when my DD was born, DH was 36. The midwife wrote something like 'parents in later life' in her red book!!

TheSnufflet · 19/08/2015 19:19

No they can't. But you have a brilliant username

Andrewofgg · 19/08/2015 19:38

DW was 31 when DS was born and was pissed off at being described as an elderly primagravida - which in evolutionary terms I suppose she was!

But I don't remember anyone suggesting she was too young.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 19/08/2015 19:40

I'm 33 and pregnant too. I haven't encountered this

BikeRunSki · 19/08/2015 19:42

40 years ago DM was described as elderly primagravida at 26!

micromachine · 19/08/2015 19:44

Midwife told me that I felt dizzy in pregnancy due to being older when I was 30.

laffymeal · 19/08/2015 19:46

I can't imagine anyone suggesting 34 is too young and asking if you're sure you're ready, that's ludicrous.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 19/08/2015 19:54

I thought elderly primagravida was 35 or more first timer - at 26 - I must have been ancient primagravadia!

sugar21 · 19/08/2015 19:54

Works both ways I was 18 when I had dd1 and the sneery looks and comments I got were awful. Even the midwife told me I was too young to have my daughter. Ok I was young but not the youngest ever to conceive or on the maternity ward as there were 2 under 16's one of whom had twins. Still didn't make me a bad Mother just because of age.
Age is just a number, if you are young enough or old enough to concieve ignore the comments

Original poster

warrengandnatedogg · 19/08/2015 19:57

To be fair, I think the young comments (there were two actually) are just people who haven't adjusted how old I am in their heads with the passing of time! It might be because DP is more than 10 years older than me and I was 27 when we got together, so you know what some people are like, I'm still 27 to them. It just shows you how subjective age is to people I guess.

poppies haha that's brilliant, like you only had a couple of years left...

OP posts:

PandaMummyofOne · 19/08/2015 19:58

I was the same as you, but was 23. Imagine those comments...

Rainbowlou1 · 19/08/2015 20:31

I had my daughter at 23 and my son at 32 so I've it all, too young, too old, why the big age gap-I hate how the minute you become pregnant everyone can suddenly question every little detail!

lndomitabIe · 19/08/2015 20:47

I was described as a 'young mum' when I had DS. At 30.

Sugar's experience shows the OP's title is spot on - we can't win!

Since DS I've become increasingly... er, forthright (and prematurely aged) so I don't expect I'll have many comments this time.

micromachine · 19/08/2015 20:49

It is influenced by where you are. Here if you are over about 27 you are an older mother.

UrethraFranklin1 · 19/08/2015 22:02

its just chat, nobody actually cares. I think women need to get over it a bit, its all ooh I feel so judged...when generally nobody is giving nearly enough thought to you or your choices to begin to judge you.

MidniteScribbler · 20/08/2015 03:43

Try being a single parent. I was 35, DS was donor conceived, but I kept coming up against the stigma of single parents. The day after DS was born, and I was going through the discharge paperwork, the woman actually said 'so let's get you on contraception, you don't want a mistake like this to happen again'. The health nurse tried the 'well you'll have to consider some training so you'll be able to get a job when your benefits run out'. They really had no idea. The midwife who came for a home visit the day after DS was born said 'did your mother clean this house for you, people don't normally keep rental properties this tidy' (My mother is dead and it's my own home). Bloody stereotypes, people just can't see past them.

Hamiltoes · 20/08/2015 04:06

Really Sugar? I'm suprised the midwife said that to you.

I fell pregnant with my first at 17, even though I had a good job as an apprentice engineer and was a homeowner the sneering looks and horrible comments I got were awful. I went back to work when DD was 5 months because I couldn't take being out with her in the pram and the assumptions that I'd had the baby to get benefits and a council house.

The one person who was actually brilliant was my midwife! I had to go in and be seen every 2 weeks for checkups because I was deemed a high risk, to which the midwife claimed "utter nonsense, I wish every pregnancy was as straightforward as the 17 year olds, you have the best body and health you're ever going to have!!" Haha. Maybe she was just humouring me but it certainly cheered me up a bit.

Op yanbu, you can't win!!

Tootsiepops · 20/08/2015 05:02

Midnite

How did you manage to not throw punches at these people?!?

Eebahgum · 20/08/2015 06:56

Brace yourself - there's more to come. In my experience pregnancy, birth and child rearing are things people happily spout their ridiculous and conflicting opinions on. once read a hilarious post on how every single decision we make is wrong in someone's eyes. On a similar vein I was the same age as you with ds1 and although fully aware I was an older mum was shocked when my consultant commented "you've left it a bit late haven't you?"

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