Aibu to hold a grudge?

[ApplesTheHare]

Bil recently questioned my decision to return to work after mat leave and put dd in childcare. He said I don't love my baby enough to quit work. By choice I'd be a sahm in a heartbeat, but there's no way we could afford that. I was very upset. He apologised, and apologised again later that week, saying he was joking. I said all was forgiven, and have tried for this to be the case. Unfortunately the more time goes on the more angry and upset I feel, to the point I now want to avoid him at all costs. I feel like I can't talk to him, as he'll just reiterate the apology and say let's move on. He doesn't have children and I don't think he could ever understand how much what he said upset me. Aibu to hold a grudge and avoid him forever?

Aw, yes, YAB a bit U. He probably doesn't understand this fully, having never thought about bit enough. And he has apologised repeatedly. I think this is more how you feel about going back to work, so maybe you could work on that / try to make some plans for the future etc.

Yabu a bit ..... Tell him he's a twat and move on

Suggestions as to how to move on welcome... It's the first time someone's so blatantly told me I was a crap parent to my face

It'sall I'm going to ask to go back to work pt as a result of this, but tbh it's not the best decision. We will struggle financially again when we'd just recently got to a point of being OK for money for the first time in our 10 years together. I'm annoyed because I thought I was 100% happy with my plan before all this. Now I just feel huge guilt whatever I 'choose'. I can't help but blame bil for that.

Apples, you're not a crap parent, and your BIL doesn't even know what one is.

I think you really need to think carefully about going part-time if it will make you struggle financially. Can I ask - have you gone back to work yet, or do you go back soon? I remember that it was really difficult when I first went back to work (but it got much better quickly). I think the key is having good quality childcare that you're happy with.

I know it's difficult, but I think it's really important to think about all the different aspects of this - e.g. emotional, practical, financial (both short and long term) etc.

It's the kind of pat, ill considered nonsense that people often come out with without considering it.

To make you feel better I used to be a SAHM and got lots of stick from a particular 'friend' about why that was a really, really BAD IDEA.

I returned to work full time a few years ago and got lots of stick about why it was a really, really BAD IDEA from exactly the same person!!!

I'm sure you are an excellent mum. You and your DH make your choice together for your family. Anyone else's opinion is not required

You are not a crap parent. The decision to sah or woh has nothing to do with how much people love their children - in your case it's about keeping a roof over your child's head, which makes you a good parent.

People often make flippant and stupid remarks without really meaning them. He didnt know this would hurt you so much because he doesnt know what it's like to he a parent. Try to remember that he didnt mean it, has no experience and is a twat

Apples your BIL has hit a nerve but YAB a bit U with him. He didn't mean to offend/hurt you and has apologised. You've made the decision that millions of mums before and after you face/d. You are NOT a crap parent, you and DH are caring parents who have made a tough decision and put your family first. Mums should not be judged on returning to work whether choice or necessity.

Sorry I also think YABU, but I totally get why you are.
Reality is, he's apologised, probably realised he was crass and insensitive a bit of a dick and deserves to be forgiven.
Go on, let it go in the words of the song. Life will be much happier.

Id have leapt on the pure sexism myself. I bet my mortgage on him never asking a man the same question.

He was bu when he said that, it was really nobby. However, you are now bu because he's apologised twice and has realised it upset you. You just have to let it go and forgive him, life's too short to harbour bad feelings

I think this is more about your own feelings and thoughts than anything your BIL said. So I think YABU to hold a grudge against him. Do you really think he meant you such harm that he deserves this level of anger? It sounds like he really was just joking but hit a nerve with you. So maybe its something you need to deal with yourself rather than something to do with your BIL.

YANBU. Your BIL had no right to comment on your decision to return to work and saying that you don't love your baby enough to quit was totally over the line. It was cruel, unnecessary and utterly arrogant of him to presume to tell you what's best for your family, especially as he has no first hand experience of raising a child.

Honestly, the thought of going back is so much worse than the reality. You and baby will both be fine once you get used to your new routine. If you feel that returning full time is the right decision then don't let yourself be guilt-tripped into reducing your hours because of ignorant comments from people who haven't a clue what they're talking about.

My FIL told me that I should stay at home until my daughter was at school. My now-ex told him that my income injected x-amount into the household budget and if FIL was prepared to replace my income with that for the next 4 years then that was ok with us. FIL soon shut up after that!

Don't let your childless arse BIL have this much power over you....

In the nicest possible way, you are feeling like this more because of how you feel about returning to work than how much you care about what your BIL has said.

Feel less guilty about leaving your baby to go to work and you will magically be able to let go of the comment.

Not quite sure how you can manage that though. I only have some of the answers, not all of them!

Just know that you have made the best choice for you family. What good is a lot of love from Mummy, if your belly is not full and you have no roof over your head?