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AIBU to not support BIL's family at the expense of my own?

124 replies

LittleMissLady · 17/08/2015 13:05

Dp's family live in another country. Things - children's clothes - are expensive there and wages are low (aren't they everywhere?)

We have 2 children. Dd(3) and DS(1ish).

Do's brother has 3 children. 2 Dd's (4 &2) DS (6).

I operate a cash flow system with our child stuff, all nursery bits and clothes, toys etc.
everything is bought (usually second hand) and then sold to free up money for next stage stuff.
My kids have nice stuff and this is the only way we can realistically afford it.

MIL recently requested that we send all of Dd's clothes she has grown out of over to BIL as he is really struggling to support his family. DP has basically said he can't say no to this request and told me at the very least to only sell the 'good' stuff and pass all the rest to them.
At no cost. They won't be paying for it,and further more if they attempt to pay for it DP will flatly refuse to take the money.

I want a third child. We have rowed endlessly about having a third child. The long and short of or situation is thy we can't afford another child. ( I know this and am being purely emotional about having another. It would be unfair on us all if we did and actually I'm happy with 2!).
So we are unable to have more kids as we can't afford them but somehow we now have to afford to send all the baby stuff overseas at our own expense to support BIL's family.

AIBU to be saying no this and to be mightily pissed of at DP saying I'm selfish and only care about my family and not his??

For purposes of not drip feeding:

My SIL (my brothers wife) has 2 boys slightly older then my DS and I BUY the clothes and things she is selling as I would never expect her to just give it all away as they also operate a cash flow system this way.

OP posts:
Spilose · 17/08/2015 13:11

I think yabu. It's your OH's brother and he wants to help him. Families help each other where they can. Does it only mean your kids won't have fancy clothes for a while?

I'd happily do this for my BIL/SIL

VegasIsBest · 17/08/2015 13:12

It seems unlikely that the amount of money you'd get by selling some second hand kids clothes and equipment would be enough to enable you to afford to have another child. So that is a red herring.

It would be worth looking at the cost of posting stuff abroad - as that may make the suggestion unworkable. Don't families normally help each other out though - this all seems a miserable way to live.

happymummyone · 17/08/2015 13:12

It's your stuff. You're under no obligation to give anything away, sure it might help them out but you don't sound like you're exactly rolling in it yourselves.

FenellaFellorick · 17/08/2015 13:13

tbh, I would send them a couple of bits every now and again.

Of course you prioritise your own children and if your children had no food or holes in their clothes or something then it would be laughable to expect that you send things to your in laws at the expense of your children's needs but there is perhaps room to send a few items of clothing to them once or twice a year without meaning your children suffer?

Or talk to your sister in law yourself and say look, I would love to send you a few bits but postage is prohibitive. It would save you money to just pay postage rather than the total cost of buying clothes where you are and it would mean I'd be able to send you a few things, it's a win win.

Have you sat down with your husband and gone through the maths of it all? The household budget? The loss in black and white of posting the things over?

Does he do or have anything that could cut back in order to fund the postage?

Show him where cuts would need to be made in order to fund this. Make sure the cuts affect him too.

OVienna · 17/08/2015 13:15

is the issue more that you feel like once this starts there will be other financial requests that your DH will also find difficult to say no to?

Floralnomad · 17/08/2015 13:17

YANBU but it is a bit mean spirited to not want to help family ,if the postage cost is an issue can your MIL pay for the postage .

FryOneFatManic · 17/08/2015 13:17

Does he do or have anything that could cut back in order to fund the postage?

Show him where cuts would need to be made in order to fund this. Make sure the cuts affect him too.

^^ Agree with this.

shiteforbrains · 17/08/2015 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EeyoresTail · 17/08/2015 13:20

How were the things you bought paid for?
If you paid out of your own money then I think you have the final say on what you do with them. If your DP paid then I think he gets to say. If they were bought jointly then I think you need to explain to your DP that by sending the clothes to his DB you will have less money to spend on his children.
Has it worked the other way? Have they offered you any of their DS's clothes for your DS?

FryOneFatManic · 17/08/2015 13:21

AIBU to be saying no this and to be mightily pissed of at DP saying I'm selfish and only care about my family and not his??

And remind your DP that his family is you and your DCs.

Want2bSupermum · 17/08/2015 13:21

You can't afford it. It's that simple. Your DH needs to be firm that your family are only just making it and if they want your clothes they can buy 2nd from you or off eBay like you do. You and your DH are your own family unit now and that is what comes first.

DH earns a lot and his family expect us to pay for everything. It really annoys me because we need to save as much as we can as DHs income is uneven. He was asked (well told really) by his parents to buy a waterfront flat that was USD525k. As soon as DH mentioned it to me I had 500 fits as it was his bloody mother having brass balls and the snobbery of Mrs Bucket as anything else wouldn't do. We didn't even own a home ourselves and we were paying off huge legal fees. There was a huge row between DH and I and he only backed down when his sister called him and said that if he was buying a place for his parents he needed to pay off her mortgage too as she only owed $80k!

It's not that we don't help out but we only help once we have looked after ourselves. The last thing we want to be is a burden. Oh and we don't support his family to the tune of those numbers. We are well off but not that well off.

DioneTheDiabolist · 17/08/2015 13:22

OP, you are not being asked to support your BiL's family.Hmm. Your DH has been asked to send some hand-me-downs to help out his brother and DNs. I don't think that is an unreasonable ask.

Want2bSupermum · 17/08/2015 13:24

Dione They are being asked to support the BILs family because it's taking money out of their family to give to another family.

ouryve · 17/08/2015 13:26

The solution would be, if BIL wants the clothes, he can pay for them to be sent, if he's convinced it would be cheaper than buying over there.

Clothes are heavy and cost a fortune to send, even inland, using budget carrier.

If MIL is just trying to boss you around, then stuff her.

Minionoftruth · 17/08/2015 13:26

I actually don't think the third child is a red hearing in terms of the op being expected to forgo money she would have spent on her dc in order to help support the 3rd child of her bil when she can't afford a third child herself

AuntyMag10 · 17/08/2015 13:28

Utterly stingy to make them pay for it. Fgs they're family. Do you come from a family where nothing is done without tallying up, then it seems why you think like this. They're struggling and it's second hand clothes, off course you shouldn't expect payment for it.

diddl · 17/08/2015 13:29

Yes, I was just wondering what others are doing to help.

MIL, SILs family.

Or does it all fall to OP & her husband as they obviously have the necessary stuff?

And why can't he say sorry, no, we can't just send thm everything that we have finished with, but we'll do what we can?

LittleMissLady · 17/08/2015 13:30

Sending the clothes will cost us as then I have nothing to sell so we have to find the money at each growth stage for new clothes. I shop very carefully already.

We already send money to MIL to help her live as there is no social security in this country and she is a little old woman unable to work there so she wouldn't have any money to pay for these clothes/toys and wouldn't be able to pay for the shipping either.

I have asked him were the money for the next lot of clothes etc we will need going forward will come from and he just shrugs it off.

For clarification; this is HIS brothers family, when I said I buy of my SIL, that is MY brothers wife.

I have never met his family as they won't come here (UK) and DP won't take the kids to this country as it has a terrorist presence and he doesn't want to take them.

DP is one of 5 children, we live in the 'richest' country out of all of them and are often told that we are the wealthiest.

OP posts:
diddl · 17/08/2015 13:32

Well if OP is buying 2nd hand stuff & selling that to fund the next round of stuff, where does the next round of stuff come from for OP is supposed to send stuff off to BIL rather than sell it??

AuntyMag10 · 17/08/2015 13:34

Can't you send them at least a small bundle. From what you describe about their country they are much worse off than you. They're asking for second hand clothes, think about it. Things must be really bad.

LittleMissLady · 17/08/2015 13:35

I don't come from a family where everything is tallied up by any measure.

My brothers wife sells me the clothes her DS is finished with as they simply can't afford to buy clothes and then give them away. So I buy them as I don't expect her to shell out constantly for new clothes and then my child gets clothes for free...

We can afford to spend the money because I recoup this cost when I sell the stuff.

We can't afford to spend money on clothes, then pay for international shipping, then pay out for more clothes again and rinse and repeat.

I asked where the clothes from BIL's 4yr old dd had gone as if they kept those then the 2 yr old would have the hand-me-downs but DP won't ask as this would be rude and show he doesn't want to help out.

OP posts:
mimishimmi · 17/08/2015 13:36

It's a bit odd. I can't think of a country where ordinary children's things are so expensive that it would justify the cost of shipping them internationally from a relative. And surely you would only be sending the things for their third child since their other two children are older than yours.

The tone of your post is mean-spirited though and even if MiL's request did make sense - children were a lot younger than yours and lived locally enough to pick the things up- I get the feeling you'd feel the same way about it. I love giving my children's things to their much younger cousins - the pennies I'd possibly make selling those things on eBay is nothing to the joy on their faces when they get a Thomas railway station or pretty dress.

AuntyMag10 · 17/08/2015 13:39

It's not that odd at all Mimi. I post clothes, toys and plenty of stuff back home because it's so much cheaper to do that rather than buy it directly in hc. Can think of many countries in fact.

KERALA1 · 17/08/2015 13:40

Seems abit sad to get so upset about passing on some baby clothes to your nieces and nephews.

splodgeness · 17/08/2015 13:40

I have given things to DH's family before when I knew we could sell them. Thats what families do isn't it?

I would send a few bits that you wouldn't get much for and sell anything worthwhile. I usually find postage isn't actually as much as I think.

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