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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by this

35 replies

willowrush · 16/08/2015 23:53

I know full well in my heart of hearts I'm being unreasonable so I suppose what I need is some advice and also reassurance!

I have a difficult relationship and my eldest child is unfortunately aware of this, although we've both obviously tried to shield him as much as possible I don't lie to him.

I wasn't a great mum when he was a baby. I was quite young and silly and didn't know much about babies. I also was depressed and low. But since he's been two/three I would say I have been a good parent to him and I know he loves me.

All the same, he has told me that if we (DH and I) split, he'd want to live with DH. We also have two younger children and he has asked if the youngest can stay with me () but the middle DC go with them in this hypothetical situation.

I am hurt and I feel rejected.

And I know I'm being unreasonable. And I haven't said as much!

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 16/08/2015 23:55

How Old is he?

Hamiltoes · 16/08/2015 23:59

You know you're being unreasonable so what else to say?

I'm not with DDs dad but she practically spends the whole week asking when it's going to be Saturday. I've had tears when its time to come home.

Easier said than done sometimes, but try to brush it off. How old is he? I think that would determine my opinion on what you should do if it was my own asking to live with dad.

Original poster

willowrush · 17/08/2015 00:00

Eight.

As to what else is there to say - I'd hope quite a lot, mainly the worry that I seem to be shrugged off when I actually do pretty much all the childcare

It hurts. I wish I could be mature and happy and sensible but it really, really hurts.

OP posts:

hashtagwhatever · 17/08/2015 00:06

We I was younger my dad was way more fun a parent and I used to think the same if ever my parents were to split I'd live with my dad.

I grew up though and realised my mum wasn't the moany witch I thought she was she just had less time to do the fun bits amongst working, looking after me and my siblings and the house ect.

Don't take it to heart easy to say but you said you know dc loves you.

Hamiltoes · 17/08/2015 00:09

Ahh, mines is only nearing 5 so maybe it's still a bit different and I can use the "she doesn't really understand what shes saying yet" excuse.

I do understand what you mean though. I work all week to provide everything for her, the washing, the cooking, the cleaning. I'm the sensible one who makes sure shes bathed and she's eaten all her veggies, and that the TV goes off at x time.

Then at Dads its all "lets go the zoo and eat chocolate til we're sick and stay up until midnight so we're so tired tomorrow mum loses her rag with how much of a shit you're being."

I honestly have no idea of the answer other than when he's older, I'm pretty sure he'll realise everything you did for him and although he may want to stay with dad for whatever reason I'm sure he loves you both equally.

Fatmomma99 · 17/08/2015 00:12

I could be totally mis-reading this, but this line spoke to me:

I wasn't a great mum when he was a baby.

It spoke to me because I wasn't a great mum while mine was a baby either. And I was shouty (shame!) And my DD ADORED DH from the get-go, and i felt second-class all the way. Even though I was the facilitator (I breast fed, he doesn't drive, etc). For me it changed when I trusted myself, and stopped setting myself goals I couldn't reach. And trusted that she loved me and I stopped trying to be uber mum, and just set my goals as being "good enough" parenting.

We are together, but she still tries to play us off against each other. Kids do that!

It's much harder if you're apart.

I would say - be the best parent you can be (within your own limitations), forgive your mistakes (because your children will), don't make your ex into a villain. And I do, truly believe that all will come right. But you must have patience, because they WILL see who really does it all. But it's a long game.

And to you, because OF COURSE we're not all the perfect parent all of the time. But we keep trying, and they get that!

Good luck!

Original poster

willowrush · 17/08/2015 00:12

We aren't hopefully separating (I have to admit this is primarily because of DS's insistence he wants to stay with DH) but it does jar just a bit.

OP posts:

mommy2ash · 17/08/2015 00:15

I know you say you don't lie to him but an eight year old shouldn't be musing over this hypothetical situation. If it is a real possibility decide what is best for the kids and then talk about it. If it's just a rocky patch work on things and ensure in the future you do shield him from such worries.

CalleighDoodle · 17/08/2015 00:19

When he starts talking to you like this, tell him to stop.

Original poster

willowrush · 17/08/2015 00:19

DH moved out for a while so I did obviously have to talk about why we weren't living together.

OP posts:

Hamiltoes · 17/08/2015 00:21

It will do.

I remember growing up (dad left when me and DB were babies) DM had planned a trip to the local bonfire for us on Nov 5th. DB (about 9/10) said he'd rather go with his friend and friends dad because thats something that you were supposed to do with your dad.

My mum went with me and we had a nice girly night but I remember my mum breaking down in tears later when he was in bed and me being left to tell her that it didn't matter and we both appreciated everything she did etc. i'm not a lot older than him but I could see through the pedestal my brother often put my dad on (who contacted us a handful of times growing up, usually with lots of gifts in tow).

Of course now my brother can see through it (and I'm not for a second suggesting that your DH isn't worthy of his pedestal) but sometimes boys do that with dads you know? And girls too of course. Just know that it won't last forever and I think fat gave some great advice! As long as your doing the best you can, they'll understand that in time.

Original poster

willowrush · 17/08/2015 00:22

He tends to say 'I really love you mum, but if you and dad don't live together again I will live with dad, won't I, and visit you?'

I then ask him if he wouldn't rather we lived together - 'yes but if you didn't ...'

OP posts:

sleeponeday · 17/08/2015 00:33

DS was like this to a militant extent as a toddler. Would go on about how he loved me 10 and Daddy 113, that sort of thing. It ended abruptly when I had an emergency admission to hospital, and he suddenly didn't have the primary carer around. He'd always been able to take me for granted, whereas Dad supplied the fun. Dad couldn't supply the security, which he'd never really noticed before. As the next two years became incredibly hard for him, and he was increasingly unhappy, he started to need me in a way most kids (thankfully) don't, and it brought home to both of us that actually, it was me that was closest to him. Just in a less overt and visible way.

He's autistic, and on what used to be called School Action Plus, there was a box for, "What helps me". The TA completing it with him had given his answer as, "My Mama".

Your DS is used to you being rock solid. So he doesn't notice the support. If you split and he deals with all you are currently buffering him from where his father is concerned, he might very rapidly adjust his ideas. And I say that as someone who is very happily married, and whose husband is a great dad. He's just a traditional, fun, interactive one, howls of laughter from the bathroom at night while I load the dishwasher type thing (my choice, I am kidded out by that stage!). They can take me for granted, while he swoops in and out.

In short, don't take it to heart. Small kids are not the most aware of their own emotional landscapes, sometimes.

1AngelicFruitCake · 17/08/2015 07:04

I think the reality of living with his dad all the time might be different this what he imagines. Children can be very hurtful. Best thing to do would be to accept what he's saying but if he says it again tell him that you understand because he's told you before but he doesn't need to tell you anymore and hopefully it won't happen.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 17/08/2015 07:35

is it maybe as simple as he thinks that a boy would live with his dad and a girl would live with her mum?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/08/2015 07:39

Are you the "stern one" in the family? I think children quite often say they would like to be with the "fun parent" because they think they would get away with more - but in reality, as Sleep has just demonstrated, they get more security and stability from the boundary-setter.

Of course if you're both equal in discipline and boundary setting then that theory doesn't work!

It does hurt, it's bound to - but don't take it to heart, because he doesn't really know what he's saying, even at 8, nor what it would mean to him.

00100001 · 17/08/2015 07:42

Kids have no idea of the impact of what they're saying at tines like this.

I'd be more concerned that he keeps bringing this up, sounds like he's insecure about what the future holds.

Spartans · 17/08/2015 08:00

Tbh I am a bit worried he has sat and thought about this. No one thinks it strange or hurtful when a child wants to stay with its mother.

Kids are usually closer to one parent. My ds wants to stay with his dad no matter what he is doing. If dh is nipping to the post office, take away, shop for milk.....ds has to go. Ds loves me and when he falls over and hurts himself ts me he comes for. Last week at soft play 2 kids about 15 were picking on him and dd (ds is 4, ds is 11), it was me he came and got to sort it out. He didn't look for dh, he came straight to me.

That said, I have no doubt ds would want to live with dh. I know he would miss me, if he stayed with me he would miss his dad. But his instant reaction would be to go with dh.

Also, since your ds, has experiences a split maybe all that's on his mind is that he missed his dad. He didn't get the chance to miss you, so probably can't really envision that. All that's on his mind is that he really missed his dad. He probably doesn't realise he would miss you too.

Original poster

willowrush · 17/08/2015 08:02

He's definitely insecure which I do understand and am trying to be reassuring and kind.

Thanks x

OP posts:

youarekiddingme · 17/08/2015 08:17

Sounds like he's trying to process his feelings after your DH moved out for a while last time?
So he stayed with you who was probably down and struggling and now he's thinking if it happens agin I wonder what living with dad would be like?

Goldmandra · 17/08/2015 10:02

It's also possible that he's worked out that the best way to keep you together is to say that he wants to live with his dad if you split.

Children can be surprisingly astute and he would be spot on.

Original poster

willowrush · 17/08/2015 15:12

Possibly. He is very quick to reassure me that he does love me and would visit a lot but not 'live' with me.

OP posts:

VerySlovenly · 19/08/2015 02:46

I know it hurts willowrush, but I think Spartan is right, he has experienced how it felt to miss dh but not how it feels to miss you. He has no idea what it would actually be like to live with dh and not you.

Both my dc got much more attached to dh at times. If they were hurt they said they wanted daddy and didn't want me!. I found it very hurtful. Then I had to go and look after my mum for a few days (she lives a long way away). My ds didn't say anything about missing me but after that he completely stopped preferring his dad, and went back to being my loving little boy. As a my mum observed, he suddenly realised it was possible for me not to be there. Your son has realised the same about his dad.

It won't last forever, he's only little and he doesn't know how painful this is for you to hear. But YANBU to feel hurt.

blueemerald · 19/08/2015 03:04

I wonder if it's something to do with keeping tabs on his parents. His dad left and possibly went somewhere he (ds) didn't know or go to, in ds' mind dad was just gone. If you were to split again he knows where you are and that you'll stay there but he doesn't know where his dad will go?

TerrorAustralis · 19/08/2015 06:10

Is it more about not living with your youngest? Do they not get on, or does he find the little one annoying? It could be that this is his solution for a 'peaceful' life for himself.

It may also be that he wants to look after his dad and not see him lonely. He might have been worried about him when he left before.

YANBU to feel hurt by it though. That would sting.

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