AIBU re DSDs am pretty sure am not...

[Weathergames]

Went camping with DSS1 (19) DS2 (13) and DSD1 (10) and 2 (8).

DSDs have a history of arguing fucking constantly. We are having counselling and issues over him not issuing any consequences to them for bad behaviour come up constantly - but comes down on my three like a tonne of bricks.

All packing up camp, my best friend there too everyone mucking in. Girls arguing so I asked them to do washing up. DSD1 moaned saying it wasn't her turn but they were doing nothing else (just watching us pack up). Started fighting over whose turn it was to carry the washing up bowl.

Five mins later they return, DSD2 has a huge bite mark (full set of teeth close to bleeding) on her arm says DSD1 did it. I ask OH to come and deal with it (I am sweeping our tent he is taking down gazebo) he says not not I will deal with it later. I flip and tell them they will be going to bed early tonight (8pm) and not watching a film.

Dinner time comes at home kids all sat at table and Disney channel on (we do not have the TV on at dinner) I question OH and suggest it's not fair in the other 4 (older) children to have to watch Disney he says "aw well the girls can't watch it later as they have to go to bed early" I question if he has a prob with how I dealt with situation and suggest in future he stops what he is doing and deals with it himself.

He then puts them to bed at 8, lets them piss about for 15 mins and lets them read for 1/2 an hour.

AIBU to think this totally pisses all over my attempt to install some boundaries?

For me not circle

I consider it a work in progress

Why?

Whats in it for you?

Seems to me that he gets all the benefits of being a father and none of the downsides because he has you and their mother doing all the hard work and he gets to play Disney Dad (literally!).

I couldnt be in a relationship with a man like that, I really couldnt.

Kids act out when they're emotionally confused & insecure. With a Disney Dad who tells them their full-time mum's terrible and takes their side when they undermine their step-mum's parenting, I should think they bloody are confused. Who are they supposed to trust for the steady, stable parenting they need? What are they supposed to think love is, when what they see demonstrated is point-scoring, favouritism and unfairness?

I'm very, very cross with your DP. Can you tell?

Have you spoken to the counsellor independently about all this? And did you tell it like it is, or whiffle around DP's crapness out of misguided loyalty?

The one in greatest need of 'consequences' is him. I'd put some hard thought into that if I were you.

Wow to the bite, that's rough! However I do kind of agree with the punishment being for both of them, under the circs you describe.
My 2 DSs are 5y apart (7 and 2) and DS2 has a real thing for biting, mostly when he's just really excited, but also when he's angry and not getting his way. HOWEVER - DS1 is a PITA for provoking him sometimes, so it's really not a surprise, sometimes, that DS2 retaliates.

Of course DS2 has to learn not to bite, and we reinforce that at every opportunity - but DS1 should really stop fucking winding him up as well!

Your DP though - what an idiot he is. The response needs to be in the moment, not hours later when everything has calmed down. He needs to bloody well deal with it, not just let it slide and then "compensate" them for the punisment they richly deserve!! What sort of lesson is that teaching them?

At least their mum seems to be approachable, one bonus. Hope you can get it sorted and get their father to step up and parent like an adult!

Have you spoken to the counsellor independently about all this?

I sincerely hope not.

Why not sooty?

Thank you, textfan!

I think your parenting is terrible tbh! Punishing a child for being bitten!!! I prefer the dad's method of doing nothing rather than your lazy tack of punishing both biter and bitee the same
if being hurt is symptomatic of their relationship the 'squabbling' might be the 8 yo trying to stand up for herself!

A bit harsh Madam...