AIBU with my daughters dinners?

[TheScreamingfrog]

I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing..
DD(just 5) is being very difficult every dinner time unless it's sausages/fish fingers etc.
I have had enough of mealtimes being a battle ground. Every meal she will declare that she hates and not want to touch a bite. This resulted in massive amounts of coercion from me and I am sick of it.

I have recently told her that it is her choice if she eats dinner or not and that I will not fight her. If she does not eat it there is nothing else till breakfast. She has just done this with risotto.

I suspect it is all about control but I guess I am just looking for ideas or reassurance that I am not acting like a witch. If it's relevant, I am a lone parent of nearly 2 years and exH tends to always take her to Morrisons for tea or give her foods he knows she loves.

I desperately want her to grow up with a healthy attitude to food so she doesn't end up spending ? of her life on a diet. She is a normal weight and has no problem with breakfast and lunch and apparently is fine with school dinners. I am sure she saves it all for me.

Advice and perspective welcome please!

Control is a massive part of it. I've struggled with my 3yo DS - I've tried not to fall into coercion, etc., but it is hard. He's improved a lot recently, and it may or may not be because of the following:

• more eating together at mealtimes eating the same thing (not always possible, I know)
• allowing him to serve himself, e.g. jacket potato with fillings: he can serve his own beans, cheese, salad bits, etc
• giving him a choice, i.e. we've been testing the little dish meals recently, and if I put three out on the table, he can pick which one

At least once a week I always ask what he would like (as long as we have it!) - it is usually fish fingers, potato waffle and peas or sausage, mash and peas, but at least I know he will usually polish the whole thing off, so I don't feel so bad about the days when he doesn't eat as well.

I've also restricted how many of something he can have - he would ask for slice after slice of honey toast, but after he has had one, I say no, how about a banana/plum/yoghurt, etc. And when it is snack time, I put out some cut up fruit and eat a few pieces myself - he will usually eat it if someone else is (demonstrated this afternoon when I offered some melon for him to share with his friend - he said he didn't want it, but when his friend started eating it, he did too!).

So try and be dispassionate about it as possible, and don't let her draw you into an argument about it. I know it is hard, and I'm only at the 3yo stage!

Hope you find a way that improves things for you both

If it's not click able search 6 words that will end picky eating Huffington post.

Well I can tell you my 6 words.

I am not running a restaurant

That seems to put paid to fussy eating in this house

I hate mealtimes as battles. I tend to make stuff I know we all like and hope for the best. DD at 9is getting more adventurous but my 5 yr old is so picky. I don't force him to eat stuff he doesn't like but won't give him snacks if he leaves his dinner.

I try and stay relaxed about it. He eats a breakfast and school dinners. I make sausages, roast chicken etc but he gets a fair share of fish fingers, beans and nuggets etc. I'm give him veg and he eats some. I try and not sweat it too much. I never ate veg as a kid and survived and now I'm a vegetarian!

The serving themselves made a big difference here. I was really guilty of expecting them to eat the same amount every night until my MIL (nicely) asked me if I ate the same amount each night regardless of lunch, how busy I'd been, how I was feeling etc and I realised I didn't. I also sometimes changed our dinner plan because I just didn't fancy chicken/fish, but it never occurred to me that sometimes they just wouldn't fancy it either.

When dd went through food control phases, I used to give her some control. Not always 'serve yourself' but eg we're having chicken tonight, how do you think we should have it? roast dinner, or with crusty bread, or spicey with rice etc. And definitely getting them to help cook it, and serve it. Plus I served many dinners as faces/ scenes, with dds help, and that necessitated her wanting a bigger range of food.

COMPLETELY normal. I'll post up some stuff about it later on.

My kids eat it or leave it without me batting an eyelash. If they leave it, I stick it in the fridge just incase they get hungry later. Meals are homemade 95% of the time and I like to experiment on them. They are good eaters most of the time.

Some kids are just fussy eaters - and become fussy adults. One of my 4 DC is ridiculously picky; he had the same upbringing etc as his siblings who eat whatever. And now he's 17 and it hasn't really changed. I know it's nothing I did or didn't do because I have my control group with the other DC.

I've tried bribery and coercion, I've tried no substitutes, I've tried pressure, I've tried no pressure, I've tried hysterical pleading and I've tried logic. He will not budge.

So I have no answers but my point is some people are just fussy. You can't make them be not fussy. It's a complete pain in the arse.

I have a kid who refuses food but it's due to medical prob. When it gets really bad I find it takes away from the stress of I have a good book to hand, so im not watching and moaning about the non eating. Eating then gets better as there's no power struggle

The six words are: 'you don't have to eat it'.

I use them a lot.

What really winds my DH up about DD1 (3) at meal times is the s l o w eating - she slows right down and delays every mouthful, even though she knows that taking 45 mins to eat a meal means she will miss out on pudding (ie fruit or yoghurt) and/or CBeebies privileges afterwards.

She just shrugs it off and says 'No pudding' and skips off to bed having had (barely) a couple of mouthfuls of food.

We are fed up of sitting with her at the table, having finished our food, waiting for her to stop fiddling around and eat at least some of what's on her plate.

We are trying to stick to a 'no getting down from table unless you need the loo' rule - we'll fetch her a drink if she wants more water - which has stopped some of her roaming around nibbling on food habits, but I wonder if we should just let her be if she keeps on eating next to nothing, and hope she comes round to it eventually?

It's really difficult isn't it? When is it ' simple' and about control or fussiness and when is it something more? We ended up with DS being told to feed him what he would eat by the dietician and nursery having to let him eat yoghurt before sandwiches.
With my other three we've had one fussy one and I've just consistently served one meal, with veg and supper before bed.

Sorry, ds has ASD - the somethibg else

I totally agree with not making a big issue about food.

On the other hand, how well it works really depends on the child. My oldest is a very varied and adventurous eater. My 12 year old OTOH would still rather starve than eat something he doesn't like - won't touch pasta with sauce, risotto would be a no, most veg get the thumbs down. He can be adventurous (his favourite food is mussels!) but he is still immensely picky about certain flavours and textures.

I remember when my DS3 announced that he no longer liked shepherds pie (he loved it the week before).

I dished it up and gave him literally 2 dessert spoonfuls.

He looked at his brother's plates, then back at his and said "Heyy! Why have I got such a tiny amount?"

I said, "Because you don't like it, so you don't have to eat much of it, but if you finish that you can have some more".

He wolfed it down indignantly and held his plate out...all the time eyeing his amused brothers angrily

Worth mentioning that HV told me that persistent fussiness usually caused by something else eg. Sensory problems/ reflux/dysphagia. May find a child likes bland foods as they have very strong sense of smell and anything less bland can be overpowering. Or as previously mentioned, may have problems with different textures choosing easily chewable food.

Textfan, she was better with veg before and I put not being a fan of meat (unless processed) down to the fact she couldn't chew and breathe at the same time. She is slightly better now. When weaning, she ate brilliantly.

With the risotto tonight, she announced that she only liked rice when she ate it with chopsticks. I didn't give them to her as she really can't use them. She tried them once with sweet and sour.

Lord, just thinking about it all gets me het up. Tomorrow will be relaxed, my blood pressure just can't take it!

I am off to bed shortly. Thanks for all your tips and examples. They really appreciated and I am glad to hear IANBU.

I put not being a fan of meat (unless processed) down to the fact she couldn't chew and breathe at the same time.

Awh, I had the same problem when I was 6/7/8. Having my adenoids out didn't help, I eventually had my nasal passages lasered and that fixed it like magic. Still choke on some things though every now and then, part of it is probably psychological from that time when I actually did risk choking when eating. I used to get told off for eating with my mouth open as well! What do you want me to do, stop breathing for two minutes while I chew this piece of chewy pork chop?!

I wish you and your DD luck.

Lord, just thinking about it all gets me het up. Tomorrow will be relaxed, my blood pressure just can't take it!

This is where you gather every little bit of acting skill you have and put it to good use.

Inside you can be raging, ready to scream, hurling imaginary abuse, silently pleading for each mouthful to go in but outwardly you have to be calm, smiling, talking about anything other than food and totally serene. You can do it and, the more you do it, the easier it will become.

Bing - yes that but also fussiness could be a result of a restricted convenience food diet.

Unless there's underlaying SN, I think you have to truly not care how much they eat. No need for faking it. Most children in the uk are thriving and healthy

This sounds really gimmicky, but I promise that it helped my ds and dd stop being so picky at meal times.

You give them a small pot at the dinner table, every time they use their fork you put a penny in their pot, if they use their knife and fork they get 2 pennies.

I know it sounds silly, but it takes the focus off of the food and because they want the pennies they eat more.

The other thing I do is to serve something I know they like alongside the things they are fussy about, so cheesy nachos with chilli, garlic bread with risotto, poppadoms with curry - just small amounts of the treaty things, and plenty of salad/veg for them to serve themselves, this week dd actually asked for seconds of the chilli she apparently hated!

we ate a lot of spinach when I was in lodgings as a student... there was cabbage spinach, kale spinach lettuce spinach the little boy loved popeye and anything green was spinach

do not engage in a battle of wills. pretend you do not care.