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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have friends DS over every weekend

25 replies

shebird · 15/08/2015 21:43

A friend has been in a new relationship for while now. When she first started seeing her new man I didn't mind helping out and having her DS when she went on a few dates. The issue is that now she is going out a lot, stays away overnight and even for weekends and expects her friends to have her DS. I really don't mind doing favours but there comes a point where I just think, what about my family life, what about my kids what about my weekend. Also I would prefer that my DS got to invite who he wanted for a sleepover when it suits us rather than being lumped with this kid because it suits his mum. I also feel a bit sorry for her DS who seems to spend most weekends fobbed off on someone else. I know it's her life and her child are none of my business but that's also the point - her kid is her business. AIBU to say I've had enough?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 15/08/2015 21:45

Of course YANBU

What a cheek

Yarp · 15/08/2015 21:45

How old is the child?

YANBU

SaucyJack · 15/08/2015 21:46

You had me at hello.

Does she pay you? Is she under the impression it's a mutually beneficial arrangement? Just say no, sorry.

pictish · 15/08/2015 21:46

All you have to do is say no. You don't need to have it out with her because she's not forsing you to do it...you can say no.

pictish · 15/08/2015 21:47

*forcing

gamerchick · 15/08/2015 21:50

How old is the bairn? Poor little bugger Sad

A few home truths might be in order, she might see the light perhaps and may not speak to you again... Win win.

SanityClause · 15/08/2015 21:51

If she asks, and it doesn't suit (even if the reason is if you'd just rather not have him) it's fine to say no.

Book up those sleepovers for your DS. Then it will be easier to say you can't have this child.

If you don't mind having him sometimes, work out how often , and don't go beyond that limit. (If it's never, that's fine, too.)

Original poster
shebird · 15/08/2015 22:01

I don't want to go into too much detail but I guess I felt sorry for her to begin with single mum and all that. I really don't mind doing the odd favour for a friend when it comes to childcare as there are times when we are all in a bind with work or an emergency. The trouble is she is having a whale of a time while I'm at home with my kids and her DSAngry

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 15/08/2015 22:01

YNBU. She's more than taking the piss. I mean it's fine the odd occasion say once a month, but not every week that's abusing a friendship.

Original poster
shebird · 15/08/2015 22:06

It's not just me she has also asks others when I have said no due to other commitments. She has also lied in the past saying she had to work when he DS let slip she was actually staying with new man.

OP posts:
pictish · 16/08/2015 08:55

They can say no too. That's up to them.

DisappointedOne · 16/08/2015 09:01

She's asking you before she makes these arrangements, isn't she? If so, say no. If not, you've already got plans.

Mermaidhair · 16/08/2015 09:06

I have had a similar situation. Difference was this mum would invite my dd over. I felt very sorry for her dd as she split her time between parents, but mum would be dating a lot.

RebootYourEngine · 16/08/2015 09:07

I would have stopped having her ds the moment you found out that she had lied to you. I hope you pulled her up for that.

How does her ds feel about going from place to place while his mum is out with her boyfriend?

Hellionandfriends · 16/08/2015 09:07

Just say sorry you can't

MuttonCadet · 16/08/2015 09:08

I assume the father is out of the picture?
We have my DSSs every weekend because their mum is dating, it works for all of us, but that's because the boys are with a parent.
Fobbing off on friends is just awful.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 16/08/2015 09:10

Tell her you've begun to feel taken advantage of and you aren't prepared to have him on a regular basis.

I feel for the lad.

pictish · 16/08/2015 09:25

Yup. "Not this weekend, I've got plans."

Or if you've had the lad a lot, as you seem to be saying, you could always just say, "I'm not up for extra bodies this weekend. I'm bone tired and just want to relax. Good luck finding someone though."
This lets her know that you don't feel obliged to watch her son, that the arrangement is on your terms and that you can say no just because you feel like it.
If she pushes it, cheerily respond, "Yeah...I'm going to stick with the no."

I think such an exchange would subtly change the dynamic of this scenario altogether, which in my opinion would be a good thing. She'll mentally bump you way down on the list of willing takers.

pictish · 16/08/2015 09:33

Yes...did you confront her about the lie? I think it would probably have been game over for me at that point. No more babysitting after that.

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 16/08/2015 09:35

Can you ask her to reciprocate?? "Now you're settled with new man, we could take it in turns with the kids so some weekends you have mine..."

If she says yes, then fine. If she says no, then stop taking her DS....

Lurkedforever1 · 16/08/2015 11:41

Yanbu. I'm a single mum who would never introduce someone to dd without it being serious. And dds dad is not involved. Firstly I've never fucked her off for a new man, I did my dating once she was in bed when she was younger. And reciprocal sleepovers that would have happened regardless of whether I was dating or not. So I think you're friend is being unfair to you and her ds. It's perfectly possible to work it without either dumping your child or introducing them.
Also, the one long term ex- bf who was/ still is in dds life wouldn't have been interested in any woman who fucked off her child for him. Back when she knew him but not enough to find him in my bed, he stayed one Friday and the next day he was clearly not impressed by my willingness to leave her all weekend till I explained she was at brownie camp. And later always said one of the reasons he knew our relationship could go long term was the fact my child always came before myself, him, or anything else. Likewise any other bf I've had has always had to accept that dd comes first to get past casual dating let alone a relationship which to me implies meeting children. So unless the man she's seeing is just thoughtless and young, I'd question how much of a good long term prospect he is too.

Mrsjayy · 16/08/2015 11:45

Yanbu say NO you dont need to explain a no im busy is sufficient

giraffesCantBrushTheirTeeth · 16/08/2015 11:56

people like this will tak and take

Mrsjayy · 16/08/2015 11:58

Yeah they will take

AnotherTimeMaybe · 16/08/2015 12:02

YANBU, I feel really sorry for the boy though. If you don't take him is there anyone trustworthy as you seems you are to take him in?
I hope he doesn't feel he's second best!

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