To have said dd1 couldn't come out either

[Whydidyoucallmethat]

First time poster, though long time lurker and I'm fully prepared to be told I was unreasonable. We live in one of these estates where we can let our children out to play for a few hours at a time and they all generally play well, regardless of age, school etc. it's been great up until now and there's frequently 20 bikes in a pile while they all play. We are well off the road and in a small family estate. So far so good. Dd1 is 9 and dd2 is 8. This summer dd2 has been having some issues with other children and I have discovered that there has been some low level bullying going on for 2-3 years. Constant name calling about something out with dd2's control - think birth mark though it's not this. i intend to have a word with the kids doing this - two sisters - when they return from holiday and it's not what I am posting about but just to give some background. At the same time as this came out dd2 was also getting into bother about lashing out and we have had a long talk about anger and have a plan in place for when she gets angry, involving having atime out zone for her to escape to - absolutely not a punishment -in the garden and not letting other children in there for the time being. From what both dds say the other kids have spotted a weakness and are winding her up a bit, but I get that it's totally unacceptable and am not excusing her. Anyway, last night 3 kids came to the door asking if - it was her name specifically - dd1 was coming out. She said yes and I asked dd2 if she wanted to go out. One of the other kids said "they don't want dd2 to come out but I do". I said that's not kind and said that dd1 couldn't go out if they were going to leave dd2 out. They said dd2 could come and she did and everything was fine and they're out playing again tonight. I was heartbroken for dd2 who really only wants to be liked and it was horrible for her to hear. Lots of questions: am I really overthinking this? I probably wouldn't be so upset if it wasn't for the other name calling and these children had nothing to do with that. Should I have just let dd1 go, they're not a package and are encouraged to have their own friends but they do generally all play together. Also, how can I help dd2? There seems to be real dislike towards her. She is pretty immature for her age and she seems to annoy even children a couple of years younger than her though she has plenty of friends at school. There are very few children from their school in the estate - mostly much older or much younger. Her innocence and exuberance has always been very endearing but I wonder if it is time to teach her to save it for home. I love the fact that she is totally unselfconscious (unlike dd1 who is totally the other way). Before you speculate, there are no sn and I have a professional interest in asd and no worries about that.... If you got to to the end, well done. I really want to know if I did the right thing and, if not, how other people would have handled things. Thanks.

I live in a similar set up and have DD age nearly 10 (next week) and DS nearly 9 (just after they go back to school).

I would say let them out, get them to stay a bit closer to home and ramp up the supervision for a bit. This will support your younger DD, show the meaner kids you are on it and allow your older DD to go out.

I have this with DD sometimes, she is like Tigger on a high! A bit full on for a lot of kids, so I just kind of get out there until they start playing nice again!

In regards to keeping both girls in, if I was your dd1 and it was my little sister being picked on or excluded, I would not like to go out or play with those children. I would maybe ask dd1 to look after her with the other kids and stick up for her while she is out.

I know I wouldn't have gone out if my sister wasn't asked to play.

One of the other kids said "they don't want dd2 to come out but I do"

Well done - that was exactly the point to step in and establish your rules about inclusion and kindness. Whilst your DCs are individual and independent beings, there is no way that a parent can (nor should) accept exclusion as being acceptable.

As they grow, they will establish their friendship groups - one liking another person more than the other. But deliberately excluding a child is not a trait that I would tolerate. It is just plain nasty.

DD2 probably needs a little more guidance about 'appropriate behaviour'. (It is hard to give specific advice because your OP is rather cautious when giving details.) How does her exuberance manifest? Is she clingy; in their face; demanding attention; spoiling games etc etc.?

The constant name-calling about the physical difference needs to be handled by the parents - and that starts with you. You can take some time with the children to explain the difference and focus on how this physical difference doesn't hurt or harm other children. Then you can let the parents know that you have spoken to their children - and mention how understanding and responsive they were when you explained.

HTH

So far it sounds like you have dealt with it well. In the long term though, who knows. I was like your second daughter (although no anger issues), found it difficult to make and keep friends, as my more 'likeable' siblings did. In fact, one group still made snide comments and deliberately made me feel unwelcome years later (in our 20s ffs, I'd long given up caring, but still). Not an issue, I have fab friends now but that feeling of not 'fitting in' can feel like shit. Work with your daughter about social cues, but it's just a sad fact, not everyone can fit in. Hope any bullying get nipped in the bud!

Sounds like you did very well.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply. I'm glad I wasn't too wide of the mark. Dh sometimes accuses me of being a helicopter parent and I wasn't sure if I was being overprotective. Didn't mean to be cryptic about the exuberance - think tigger on speed! Yes to in their face and she can spoil games by losing interest very quickly. She's also got two left feet and is no good at ball games etc. Takes after mum and dad on that.
The anger has come as a shock to me. I didnt think she had it in her.
I'll take the advice about keeping a closer eye on things. I did yesterday but let it go today. She's come in quite happy and says everything was fine so hopefully with a bit more supervision it'll be ok. I will deal with the name calling as soon as I can.
Thanks again.