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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or mean to stop MIL cutting up DDs meat?

63 replies

TheHouseOnTheLane · 15/08/2015 12:14

Lovely MIL doesn't get much chance to see our DDs....well she didn't but we've just last week moved to MIL's town so now she has.

She's very happy and so are DDs.

But MIL keeps cutting up their meat for them...they're 11 and 7! Both can handle cutlery well.

Today I finally had to say "They can cut their own meat up you know MIL." and MIL said "Oh I'm only taking it off the bone for them." so I said "They can do that too."

I can't have them babied like that...it just looks daft! AIBU and should I just let her baby them?

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 15/08/2015 13:07

I think the big thing is that you've moved and now live near her. What you could overlook on an occasional visit is more important now that your DC are seeing her regularly. Could you take her out for a coffee and nicely agree some ground rules? Accepting of course, that it is her 'right' to spoil them! Grin

limitedperiodonly · 15/08/2015 13:19

I'd let her get on with it. My aunt used to put salt and pepper on my dad's food when he was 60. She brought him up and it was her way. He was capable of eating unaided when she wasn't around.

I would also eat a drumstick, shell-on prawns or finish off a chop with my fingers. I tend not to order them in restaurants unless I can see other people doing it. I don't think badly of them. Instead I think: 'Thank God. I fancy that.'

Theycallmemellowjello · 15/08/2015 13:34

Oh gosh yanbu. Wanting your children to feed themselves at mealtimes is not an outlandish or unrrasonable parenting choice, ands it's definitely one that should be respected. I'd be having a quiet and kind but firm word with grandma, not at a mealtime and not in front of the children.

WorraLiberty · 15/08/2015 13:37

They are feeding themselves

Grandma is taking the meat off the bone for them

mrsdavidbowie · 15/08/2015 13:37

It would annoy me.
It's pathetic behaviour.

Andrewofgg · 15/08/2015 13:39

YANBU of course. Tell her - away from the DDs - that it is going to stop. Not a request, just a statement. Your house, your table, your rules. And tell DH he has to back you on this.

WorraLiberty · 15/08/2015 13:40

Her DH doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do Confused

slithytove · 15/08/2015 13:44

Honestly, it's barely anything.

"June*, don't worry about cutting up the girls food, they have been able to do it themselves for ages and I don't want them getting lazy. Now what did you think of bake off this week?" Etc etc.

Surely it's as easy as that?

*very unlikely to be real name

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2015 13:45

Yep. Because upsetting her and stopping her doing something trivial that nobody minds but you and presumably makes her happy doesn't matter in the slightest. Because your house, your rules. Nobody can do anything unless they've run it past you first. And your DH has to back you up. Because your house etc..........

BarbarianMum · 15/08/2015 13:50

Personally I'd ignore it, can't see the sense in making a fuss. My mum babies my boys no end at the table - not an approach I remember from my childhood at all.

LIZS · 15/08/2015 14:15

Surely they are perfectly capable of saying they can manage ?

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 15/08/2015 14:25

Beaufort oh God no! She's the woman who licks her plate on occasion! Grin definitely not like that.

I suppose I agree with the poster who said this isn't "spoiling" them...it's babying them....I know some babying is ok....like tucking them in etc...but not cutting up their food. I don't know why but I find it a bit disgusting somehow! DD1 is approaching puberty!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 15/08/2015 14:28

Lizs yes but they won't. They don't ever say anything against her actions....they adore her and wouldn't want to upset her. I also happen to know that DDs both like biting a chicken leg when they eat those...they choose that bit because they like it.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 15/08/2015 14:32

That's why you have to do it, OP.

Bertrand Please treat the your in "your house, your rules" as being plural. OP and DH need both to tell MIL/DM that "we don't do that here" and mean it.

Berthatydfil · 15/08/2015 14:56

I agree that this is babying them and not spoiling them, especially if it's not something they would particularly like to have done. I assume the 11yo is going to be in senior school in September and I would guess they will have very few peers who have their food cut of for them. I'm sure they would be mortified if their peers found out.
Get your Dh to have a word on his own with her it's best to put a stop to it now before she embarrasses them and you or they blurt something out which could be hurtful to her.

justabigdisco · 15/08/2015 15:05

It would annoy me too but I would let it go. My MIL prepares special food for my 3.6 yo, despite us saying since she was weaned that she eats whatever we're having. She also constantly says 'eat slowly' to her, no matter how fast/slow she is eating. She will also stop eating her own meal to come and feed DD and then fetch her a finger bowl to wash her hands! It does my head in - but you have to let it wash over you, or you'd go bonkers.

FryOneFatManic · 15/08/2015 15:08

TBH, this is babying the DCs, not spoiling. I don't think babying children helps in the long term.

And while I support grandparents giving treats, the OP says the older child is coming back from visits with her behaviour having regressed, so I think it's time to have a gentle talk about ground rules.

BoskyCat · 15/08/2015 15:15

It's not spoiling them or kindness – it's basically over-parenting them in a way that counteracts your perfectly normal and sensible parenting (i.e. bring them up to learn to do stuff for themselves). I'd say "Let's not chop their food up, they need to have some independence at their age" or something. Maybe give her something to do for them, such as asking her to make their favourite pudding (if that's her area), or teach them a skill of hers or whatever.

Binit · 15/08/2015 15:16

I'd just let mil get on with it. They can cut it themselves, it's not like this is taking place every day, grandma is just enjoying herself from time to time. I definitely wouldn't upset an old lady over something so trivial.

BoskyCat · 15/08/2015 15:22

We were out with another family once and DD (who was 4) begged for a carry. I said no, I have been on a mission to wean her off being carried and it was going very well (she was just tired and trying it on) so I jollied her along saying no carry but we were nearly there etc.

Other mum said "Aw DD I will carry you if your mum won't"!

I was fucking furious! Yes it was being kind to DD, yes it wasn't the crime of the century, but it was undermining me teaching my DD – in a perfectly kind, positive way – an appropriate degree of independence.

This strikes me as similar and I can totally understand why OP is not happy.

(I didn't have to say anything as luckily DD was too shy to accept, but I would have if necessary)

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 15/08/2015 15:25

Binit she's not an "old lady". She works full time, goes out drinking with her mates. She's only in her 50s!

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 15/08/2015 15:30

It probably is a bit annoying and could grate on your nerves but unless she is present at every mealtime it's not doing any harm.

Presumably the rest of the time they eat they cut up their own food!

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 15/08/2015 15:31

She;s there for a lot Salmon! At weekends and evenings I fully expect her to be here or us there...which is fine...I do love her.

OP posts:
NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 15/08/2015 15:31

That would really annoy me - regardless of who did it (DH certainly wouldn't) because it comes across as an implicit criticism of your laziness in not having done it for them and treating children of these ages as incompetent it is that little bit demeaning and humiliating - to you and them.

If she only saw them at meal times occasionally it would probably be appropriate to bite your tongue, but if you've just moved near her you do need to be closer to being on the same page than you would if you only saw her twice a year, or you are going to end up falling out or really resenting a woman you currently refer to as lovely.

WixingMords · 15/08/2015 15:32

My mil is like this, except she does see my frequently and it's caused a great deal of difficulty for me with teaching them to use a knife and fork.

She actually still spoon feeds my nephew (6) he sits there watching cartoons and her next to him putting (mashed up) food into his mouth whenever he opens it, it's like feeding a baby bird!!! My nephew's dad does the same when he's about (he works away) as he seems to think it's the only way nephew will eat. SIL is driven around the bend as she can see the same battle ahead for her other three!!!

Just the other day she ordered me to 'cut up Ds2's lasagne for him' Ds2 is 9.

MIL is a lovely woman but this is a MASSIVE irritant for me and DH (and my SIL!)

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