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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to never see my sister again.

16 replies

carbonfootprint · 15/08/2015 00:10

Actually, made this decision after my mother's funeral last year, but have just made it formal.

We don't like each other, we have never liked each other, our children don't like each other.

If we had met, not being related we would never have gone out of our way to meet again.

I have forced myself to be polite for 30 years. She hasn't even bothered to do that. Once our second parent had died, I left the funeral thinking at least I never have to see my sister again, and felt quite light hearted and unburdened at the thought.

It's no big deal to me or to her.

However, a kind and much loved aunty who we see regularly rang up all happy and excited because she has arranged for my sister and her children to come and stay at the same time that I am going to stay with my children next week. She said she wanted to help her sister's children stay in touch and the cousins grow up knowing each other.

I said no thanks, I hope you don't mind, but I don't want to see my sister, so we will give it a miss.

I think she was quite upset.

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 15/08/2015 00:26

No YNBU. Your aunt try as she might cannot and should not force a bond that is not there, and highly to ever be there.
You could always arrange to stay with your aunt at a separate time.

WalfordEast · 15/08/2015 00:29

Aunt should of consulted with both of you- because I bet she was/has sprung it on her as well. YANBU

GiddyOnZackHunt · 15/08/2015 00:38

Oh dear. She's trying to hold on to her family but you don't want to. You need to have a chat with her about what's important. You love her. You value her over your sister and there is no need to choose but you would prefer to keep it to your family and her.

Original poster

carbonfootprint · 15/08/2015 00:41

thank you for your inputs. We will see the aunt another time. There is no point in agreeing to go when my sister is there, because I will just dread it all the time in advance, and be miserable every moment while we are there, and DC are very happy to not see them again in the forseeable future too, so it is only my aunt who is upset.

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 15/08/2015 00:49

Your aunt tried to do something nice but it backfired. You shouldn't feel bad about it. There is no need for you to put yourself in a situation that is uncomfortable for both you and your children.

I'm sorry you have the relationship you do with your sister. Perhaps you need to sit down with your aunt and explain the situation? I know it might be difficult to explain and for her to understand but it might just need to be done.

alleypalley · 15/08/2015 00:58

Can you explain a bit more about why you don't get on? Me and my sister are also very different people, as children and teenagers we couldn't be in the same room without fighting.

Even 20 odd years later if we're in each other's company for an extended period of time we have to be conscious of topics of conversation so as to avoid falling out. I love her dearly though and can't even fathom wanting to go non contact with her. And if I heard she didn't want to see me again I'd be devastated.

BoyScout · 15/08/2015 07:36

I would try and explain to your aunt as best you can what the situation is. She needs to understand so that she won't keep trying.

TRexingInAsda · 15/08/2015 08:27

ywnbu, see the aunt another time. It's sad she's disappointed - she must've thought you'd be pleased, but she should have checked first, and in any case it's not nice spending time with people you don't like, it's a horrible waste of time.

FarFromAnyRoad · 15/08/2015 08:34

DH is like this with his sister - mind you, she is an appalling example of humanity so I support him all the way on this. Unfortunately she hasn't quite got the message even after 20 years of polite but ice cold non-engagement. Funny about the kids not liking one another - it's the same with us. Even after all these years she recently got in touch asking for a huge favour to which there was never the remotest chance of the answer being anything but No, sorry.
So YANBU - it's your life, not your aunt's and she really must respect your wishes.

scarlets · 15/08/2015 08:47

Is the relationship definitely moribund? If it really can't be salvaged, then you need to explain gentle that she mustn't meddle, and reassure her that neither of you is devastated by the situation, and that you both feel it's for the best.

laffymeal · 15/08/2015 10:13

The "blood is thicker than water" argument doesn't wash with me either. NC with both brother and sister. My DPs are dead so it doesn't affect them. Other family all dying off/don't care anyway. YANBU.

travellinglighter · 15/08/2015 10:23

I never got on with my sister when we were young, we get on now but are not particularly close. One of the joys of the whole depressing business that is divorce is I never have to see my ex sister in law again. So YANBU. I remember how much I used to dread family events where I had to listen to her bully her husband mercilessly, overparent her kids to the point where they were unable to make a decision with out her, express her opinions regardless of how offensive they were and all in a dreary monotone accent that drove me to distraction. Every meal was “taaaastttyy.” And for all the over parenting her kids table manners were atrocious. We used to go to my ex PIL’s house and I would be itching to leave asap.

NoahVale · 15/08/2015 10:26

I can understand you and your sister not getting on, but it sounds quite unusual that the cousins don't get on either.

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2015 10:26

Does your aunt actually know the situation? Would it help if it was explained to her?

I assume your sister wouldn't have been thrilled at the meet-up either?

travellinglighter · 19/08/2015 10:47

Hi Noah

It’s the same with my SIL’s DC’s and my DC’s. Whilst my kids aren’t what you’d call shy and retiring they look at the level of competitive attention seeking, whining and bad manners and they aren’t particularly fond of their cousins either. Mine aren’t perfect but they are usually well behaved in company.

iknowimcoming · 19/08/2015 11:10

Firstly YANBU! Secondly I have found that having these sort of family issues is a bit of a marmite situation you either get it or you don't, hence some of the (well meaning I'm sure) comments above asking if you're sure the relationship can't be salvaged etc.

I am nc with my dm and as a result all of her extended family, so all of my aunts and uncles etc which I am fine with (hard at first but fine now) and everyone close to me totally understands and agrees I have done the right thing. Every so often however it crops up in conversation with people who don't know my situation who are usually shocked that I have no contact with my dm and I know that some people think less of me because of it, these people are almost always people who have amazing relationships with their own mothers and I do understand that in their position it's hard to imagine being in my situation.

I suspect your aunt can't imagine or understand your situation and probably means well and wants to fix things for you and your sister, in the absence of your parents. I would suggest you gently explain your reasons and tell her it's very kind of her to try and help but really not necessary. In my experience people tend to react better when I explain that I don't wish my dm any harm and I would be perfectly civil if I saw her in the street, I just don't want a relationship with her of any sort. Sorry that was so long!

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