AIBU to think you just don't say things like this all the time?

[CrapBag]

Someone I know frequently makes disparaging remarks, and it's really annoying me. It's often accompanied by a sneer (although I'm not sure if she means it to come out like, it could just be her manner) and it's quite petty things. I was brought up with the notion that you just don't comment like this because it is considered rude.

Some examples, we were in a friends house and they had something that I loved, something quite large. I said "ooh I'd LOVE that in my room" and person turns and says "your room isnt bit enough for that" (my room is actually bigger just a different layout).

Another time I had decorated a room and person came over, admired the room but immediately spotted my new X (I'm trying to be a bit vague) and said "is that your X, it's very small", it's much bigger than the old one and serves us very well.

In someone's house and they whisper to me that their house is very small with small rooms, it isn't, it's a nice house.

Another one, I was going to invite a few people around one day and mentioned it, she quickly jumped in and said "or we could go to mine, I have X" (with the clear notion that her X is better than mine)."

It's very petty things. But it's the way it's said and there just is no need for it. I'd never comment on other people's things like this, let alone say it to them.

Part of me thinks it's a slight case of jealousy as she constantly goes on about her DD and how tall she is etc. You can't ever say anything about your child without her having to jump in with how hers is bigger/wears bigger size clothes/has bigger shoes. When she asked how my DD did at the end of year 6 and it turned out mine did better, she just didn't say anything even though I congratulated her on her DD doing well. She had to know my DDs reading level then could only say she thought hers was the highest when it turned out mine is on a higher level. I reassured her that her DD is at a high level and was doing well but she just said nothing positive about mine at all.

So am I reading too much into it and it's just her way? Or is this in fact, quite rude?

I'd say she's insecure and envious and can only make herself feel better by minimising other people's stuff that she might perceive to be better than hers.
It's kind of shitty behaviour and I'm not sure I could stand it on a permanent basis - but I also don't think I'd have the nads to say something. Can you live with it - or poo poo her when she starts?

I agree she's insecure

I'm not sure what you meant about the house isn't small, it's a nice house though? Houses can be both small and nice

Seriously just don't get involved in these conversations, especially about the kids.

Hard to get in the swing of, but reduction in info you volunteer is key here.

It's fine to reduce/tail off the friendship.

worra, yes I see what you mean . I meant my only thought was that the house was a nice house, whereas her was oh this house is small, nothing about it being a nice house.

You both sound a bit petty, to be honest.

If someone insulted the size of my telly or my lounge it would go way over my head as I genuinely couldn't give a shit about that stuff.

Whereas you sound quite obsessed with the size of your lounge vs hers.

. Uh, no I'm not. And it's not her lounge. And this stuff wouldn't cross my mind if she wasn't saying it/pointing stuff out. I am happy with my things, when she does this I don't immediately feel like my stuff isn't good enough, I think "we'll I like it/am happy with as it is." This is about is it rude to do this in the first place.

It is rude.

What do you get out of this friendship?

If its bothering you so much I'd either let the friendship tail off or , I'd just gently pull her up every time she is sneery and say 'thats a bit negative' because having had a DM exactly like that, it was so ingrained she didnt realise she was doing it. I made a list one day of every sneery remark she made that day (it was long, she had a lot of'opinions') and showed it her. She said where are the nice things i've said? My reply - "there weren't any, there never are". It was done on spur of moment due to sheer level of pissed offness at the sniping.

This woman is a parent!? From the start of your OP I thought you must both be about 18 because she sounds so immature and undeveloped. I couldn't be doing with someone like her in my life OP. I'd just get shot...but then I don't suffer fools and some people are able to overlook faults if the rest of the personality is good.

Either pull her up on it or dump her.

I have someone like this in my life I just treat it as a joke with my H about what next she will insinuate that hers is better/bigger/more expensive than ours. I can never visit without a comment about the size of her house for instance if I was moaning about my youngest waking at 5 she would comment it wouldn't be an issue for her as her DD is in a room too far away to bother her so they automatically sleep till 8! I would say in the case of my friend for multiple reasons it is insecurity.

It's not really nasty stuff. Just a bit rude and competitive. I agree it's not nice though. But as others say, they're petty comments and taking them to heart is also petty. The world is full of unreasonable and rude people and I'm sure all of us are also unreasonable and rude at times. Sometimes people are rude without even realising it because it's just become a part of their nature and they don't realise how they come across.
Unless it's a small sample of what she's like most of the time, just ignore it. If it really bothers you (and it shouldn't) pull her out on it. She might even be grateful.

It all sounds a bit petty. She seems size obsessed and you seem to notice things that would sail straight over the top of my head.

Still, it's hard to say for certain without knowing what these mysterious Xs are.

I never said I was taking it to heart. I'm truly happy with the stuff that she points out isn't as good as someone else's. I couldn't give a flying fuck how big/better other people's houses or things are. I have a friend with a huge house, its lovely. Id hate it to live in though. I love my house and the things I buy (takes me a long time to come to a decision so once it's made, it's something I really love ), all I was asking is is it rude to do this? And yes I do notice it because it is a lot and it's always negative and I'm not always convinced she would say some of it to other people (I may be paranoid about that) and she often says things about others to me so I have no doubt it would work the other way around as some of the things she voices I'm not sure I'd even think about in the first place.

In some ways she has been very supportive and great and a good laugh and someone I got on well with from day one and could really talk to even if I didn't always agree with stuff. But in another way, I feel like something has changed very recently and she is being slightly 'off' sometimes. Some days she will literally start talking over me to someone else or turn away when I am mid sentence and pay attention to something completely random and other days she is really chatty and friendly. But she is adamant that we have a good group of friends so maybe it is just her way? These holidays have made me doubt that as I've suggested meeting a couple of times and she said yes but the tone made it clear she didn't want to and she has met up with a couple of mutual friends but not said anything so I do think something is potentially going on.

That went off track a bit. I think writing some stuff down has just got me thinking really. Probably because iamthedeveilsadvocate asked what I get out of it. At the moment, I guess it's not much which is a shame as I thought we would be good friends.

Crapbag, it sounds like it's time to let this friendship gradually shrink to an acquaintance-ship before she gets worse. She really does seem a bit odd, a bit obsessed and maybe doesn't have enough to do or think about.