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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give him back all his letters

21 replies

chitofftheshovel · 13/08/2015 23:24

I'm posting here rather than relationships/lone parents for the footfall.

The absolute love of my life (I thought) has decided that he prefers the wonderlust life over me. We were only together for a year, and had a right laugh and really really gelled, but it was always long distance (4 hours atleast, if not another European country.

But, he is coming to collect his stuff on Saturday (I stored lots of his stuff here whilst he was away). I have collected his bits from around the house etc but am unsure about the letters he sent me. My inkling is to give them back to him, and I have put them in the stash of stuff that is his.

But will I regret this (stupid thing is he was absolutely wonderful, totally up my streeet, and I thought that was me with my forever), should I keep the letters?

OP posts:

whisperingeye1 · 13/08/2015 23:40

I would say give them back. All that will happen if you keep them is that you will keep reading them and upset yourself. Draw a line under it and move on. If he can't see how amazing you are he didn't deserve you in the first place.

SerialBox · 13/08/2015 23:43

I'd bin them personally.

honeyroar · 13/08/2015 23:46

I've always binned my ex's letters from the past, mainly to stop myself getting upset, but I wish, two decades on when there is no emotion and I'm happily married, that I'd kept them just for souvenirs of that time of my life and the other things I was writing in them apart from the gushy bits.

RealityCheque · 13/08/2015 23:48

You should keep them. Not necessarily somewhere accessible, but keep them.

You can bin them in the future if you change your mind, but you'll never get them back if you get rid now.

GreenSkittles · 13/08/2015 23:49

If you have any hesitation at all, keep them. What's the harm? The second you give them back to him the decision is out of your hands.

DarkNavyBlue · 13/08/2015 23:51

I don't understand why you would gove them back rather than bin them. Aear you hoping they will be a reminder to him about how he used to feel about you when he wrote them and cause a change of heart?

decisionsdecisions123 · 13/08/2015 23:51

Keep them but don't allow yourself to look at them for a very very long time (like when he only comes to your mind a couple of times a year or so).

Original poster

chitofftheshovel · 13/08/2015 23:52

yup, think you are right, so far not read many of them, just piled them up. And thank you for your sound advice.

OP posts:

nocoolnamesleft · 13/08/2015 23:53

Keep them (my preference...at least for now), or bin them. But handing them back is really slapping him in the face. Unless that's what you actually want to do?

PingpongDingDong · 14/08/2015 07:23

I wouldn't give them back. Why would you do that? Just keep them or throw them out I think. Sorry it hasn't worked out with him

TenForward82 · 14/08/2015 10:08

Bin them! What's the point in giving them back? It's just drama. He won't want them either.

Itsthevibe · 14/08/2015 12:32

I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you don't bin them, he will.

LazyLohan · 14/08/2015 12:52

If you're talking 'etiquette' wise, I think the done thing is to offer to return them. This is particularly the case if they are written by a woman to a man. I think this is the done thing because they may have written things in the letters which would be compromising if made public so it's generally seen as the polite and decent thing to do.

If he says he doesn't want them then it's really up to you how you feel about it. Obviously the whole situation is very raw and hurtful now. But you may feel differently given some time. I have some letters written to me about 20 years ago, and I like having them. Not because of the person it came from, but just because it's a reminder of what sort of person I was then, what was happening, things I was doing. And it's a nice aid to reminiscing.

Actually in years to come you'll probably read them and chuckle you thought he was the one, because with the benefit of time and hindsight you'll probably realise he was a bit of a plonker 20 years from now!

Original poster

chitofftheshovel · 14/08/2015 17:40

Hi thanks for the responses, I've been manic busy with work hence only just getting back to this.

I now agree with all the posters who say keep them, tuck them away and decide what to do with them when I find them again and am less raw.

darknavyblue I suppose, yes a part of me was hoping that, or at least make him realise how much he has hurt me.

nocoolnamesleft yup, I want to slap him!!! But the giving back of letters is probably not the best way to go about it swinging at him with a frying pan might be a better way of going about it

lasylohan I had no idea about the etiquette. Don't think I'd want mine back!!!

Shoulders back, brave face on. He arrives tomorrow!!

OP posts:

TheHumourlessHarpy · 14/08/2015 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

InTheBox · 14/08/2015 19:59

Keep the letters so one day you can go through them with a sense of nostalgia. If it's too much you can throw them away or burn them to mark the beginning of moving on with your life. But don't give them back.

Findtheoldme · 14/08/2015 20:03

"you're talking 'etiquette' wise, I think the done thing is to offer to return them. This is particularly the case if they are written by a woman to a man. I think this is the done thing because they may have written things in the letters which would be compromising if made public so it's generally seen as the polite and decent thing to do."

I've never heard such 1950s crap in all my life! I misread, thought it was about protecting the man but it is still crap.

I'd keep them and put them in the loft. You can't get them back once you give them to him or bin them.

Original poster

chitofftheshovel · 14/08/2015 20:20

It's funny, inthebox just at the moment it seems like I'll feel nostalgic over him forever, feel only love and missing him and wanting to be with him. I'd love to see myself 20 years on, find these letters and be like "shist, who the heck was that!!!"

findtheoldme I guess it depends what 'station' in life you are and whether things could be leaked and it would actually matter. No one would care what I wrote to ex about so it doesn't matter. If I were someone 'important' then perhaps.

OP posts:

LazyLohan · 14/08/2015 20:24

I suppose it is old fashioned, but it's also good manners. It's like nude pictures. When a relationship splits up if you have anything which could hurt, embarrass or compromise the other person the decent thing to do is offer it back.

Original poster

chitofftheshovel · 14/08/2015 21:17

nude pics for sure (none in this relationship (thank goodness)

gawd, it is a mine field!!!

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 14/08/2015 21:33

If I were you I would burn them. I personally dislike having mementoes of failed relationships* hanging round the place. Bad chi. I don't want to remember.

*DDs 1&2 excepted

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