To change the subject when DM mentions her friend?

[BoodlesMcToodles]

Please be gentle! Lurking for ages but first post.
Every time DM and I speak, the conversation is dominated by discussion of her friend to the exclusion of all else. I'm pleased DM has this close friendship but do feel like she never wants to hear about what we're up to.
I've never met the friend but she sounds nice enough. I think DM over-sells the friendship to knock me (so as not to dripfeed, she has form for this kind of thing) eg "xxx's kids call me gran now", "xxx gave up work as her kids are more important than her career", "xxx bakes all her own cakes and always offers me at least three options", "xxx is like the daughter I never had" (!) and so on.
AIBU to politely steer conversation back to common ground when she starts on like this?

The daygher she never had?! Wow. Id do more than change the subject!

I think I'd definitely be calling her on the "daughter I never had" crap! "Er what EXACTLY do you mean by that remark DM??" and make damn sure I got a proper answer!

It does sound very annoying - is there a reason she is doing all this non-too-subtle comparison between you and xxxx? Think I might be calling her on all her other remarks too.

But you could always try a less confrontational approach, if confrontation isn't your style, such as a great big smile and a very breezy "Well, GOOD for xxx!" "How absolutely marvellous of xxxx DM - she sounds positively saintly."

Sounds like DM is wanting you to bite. Either don't rise to the bait - or bite her head off!

Agree she's probably baiting me or possibly just incredibly insensitive. Ive been trying out a breezy topic change each time but it's not working. I'm not sure whether to bite (hard) or gloss over it. It can't go on. Even my DD (8) is getting fed up of hearing the comparisons all the time

evil me would take her to one side and sympathetically ask if there is anything she'd like to tell me? She's obviously very close to her 'friend' - if she's gay and friend is really her girlfriend, I don't mind. She can tell us! Big smile.

Well, assuming that DM isn't married to your Dad, of course!

Do you have a MIL? Start fighting fire with fire and talking about how wonderful she is. and then drop in 'she's like the mother I never had'.

Or I suppose you could do the sensible thing and ask her what her fucking point is. And bring it all out into the open. And find out it's over something really stupid like her feeling miffed by you about X and passive aggressively getting her revenge this way, or she's actually wanting to be a lot closer to you and feeling that you don't have time for her/interest in her so again she's passive aggresively doing the 'well I don't need you anyway' thing. Or maybe she's just a bitch.

Inadvertantly insensitive? I'm insensitive. Even I wouldn't say those shitty things.

She's being cruel and is trying to get you to bite back.

I couldn't ignore that but I have a difficult relationship with my Mother anyway so I'd ask her what she was trying to achieve in being so spiteful.

If it caused a row so be it.

I'd wind her up and mention that xxx is probably grooming her to financially exploit her later on and that she should be careful.

Or ask if xxx is really the daughter that she had adopted before she had you?! Or you could ignore her.....

My mother talks constantly like that about her cleaner and her hairdresser. She even announced a while ago that is her hairdresser who will be doing the eulogy at her funeral (she's 95 so think's that's not too far away). I'm an only child. She has always thoroughly enjoyed saying nasty things to me, since I was tiny. I've had lifelong depression - can't think why.

It's to drive home how completely insignificant you are to her and they get a sadistic pleasure from it. I don't know whether you should challenge the "like the daughter I never had" remark or not. I fear that it is you who will end up the most upset if you do.

Well I'd just tell her to stop going on about her as its boring. But perhaps the fall out wouldn't be worth it. My family would realise they had been boring but if there are underlying reasons why she's deliberately saying it, perhaps it would be best to just ignore.

Oh my gawd. There was an aberrant apostrophe in my post above. 'thinks' FFS not 'think's' Apologies to anyone who winced at that.

Please ask her if she's gay!!!

Great suggestion love

My DM is like this.
The "daughter I never had" comment is very nasty( assuming you are a woman!)

She is trying to hurt you.
My own mother told me she wished had never had me.
Im virtually NC now, there is no point in keep going back to be hurt deliberately,time and time again.

My Nan's like this; desperately wanted a son but instead had two daughters so worships all her grandsons and my mum says she used to effectively adopt any boys she could growing up to feed up, take out etc. She's obsessed with my son (her great grandson) and a while ago said 'he's the son I never had'....err, you're 90 nan, it would be pretty miraculous if it were the case, and my own DM us stood right next to you. I was pretty aghast to be honest.

What's sad is that at her age she STILL hasn't got over never having had a son.

I'd just call my DM on it in your shoes OP, tell her to stop banging on so much about this friend and ask what her point is exactly. Sounds like she's either very manipulative or said friend meets a need in her to be needed, or both, - are you a very independent person whereas your mum is quite needy and needs you to 'need' her still. Just sumising ....

Yes I'm her DD, she's married to my stepdad (but it's not a happy marriage, I believe) and is (probably) not gay. But I am going to try that one, just for giggles. I'm reasonably independent but to be fair I probably should be at 37! There's plenty of room in our lives for her but she's just not interested. Could honestly do without the spite though.

Have you asked to meet this friend? You must give her my number ... We should have coffee and compare notes, maybe she could tell me where I'm going wrong?

Oh Boodles, this is sheer grade A manipulation. Mine was a bit like this but stopped short of daughter-I-never-had, but she did say all sorts of other nasty stuff, all innocently, very passive-aggressive. It got worse over the years until she was completely intolerable, and nobody could bear being with her.

If you really love her and like her company then sure, steer the conversation. Never worked for me as she had no interest in talking about anything but herself and her obsessions, so she'd soon steer it back. You say she has form so this is probably behaviour she won't stop indulging in now. Can you tolerate hearing endlessly about this saintly fantasy-daughter figure?

I'm willing to bet that she won't be interested in explaining herself or inviting you to meet the friend, she's just using the stories about the friend to put you down like gruntfuttock said. But without doing it directly. So she can claim (even to herself) that she wasn't putting you down, just talking about her nice friend, and what could be more innocent than that?!

O yes please do ask her if this "friend" is actually something more!