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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum buying me stuff- AIBU?

43 replies

KinkyAfro · 13/08/2015 10:39

Mum buys me random things which she thinks I'll like when she's out shopping and leaves them at my house when I'm at work. All very nice but I'll also receive a text saying "I bought you XXXXXX and left it at yours, you owe me XXXXX". It's annoying me a bit now as I don't ask for these things and I'm pretty skint at the moment so could do without a tenner here, a fiver there.

I'm about to send her a text asking her to please not send buy me anything else unless I ask her and give her the money prior to buying it. I know she'll get upset as she thinks she's doing a nice thing. How do I word it to cause the least upset

OP posts:
BoskyCat · 13/08/2015 11:23

Maybe she did this throughout her marriage. She bought stuff, but he earned the money and she sees it as her role somehow.

Doesn't make it OK but I can see that she may not be trying to be controlling. (It would make be feel controlled, though)

acquiescence · 13/08/2015 11:24

What kind of things? Random ornaments or useful things?

achieve6 · 13/08/2015 11:24

I'd be livid too!

I'd follow up your text with a chat. She might interpret "For the time being" as "this week".

achieve6 · 13/08/2015 11:25

acquiescence - what difference does it make if they are useful?!

lunar1 · 13/08/2015 11:28

I think your text was just right.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/08/2015 11:29

Yes it probably is a factor, it sounds as if spending money has all sorts of baggage attached to it for your mum. She's able to spend now, but doesn't. And the meals/DP away/dogwatching are factors too, it sounds like boundaries between two households are a smidge blurred.

You eat together twice a week, so you have a perfect opportunity to TALK face-to-face about this.

Has she always done this, or just since your dad died?

pictish · 13/08/2015 11:29

Aww...the only thing I would say about your message is that it was a bit apologetic in its nature...almost as if you think you're doing something wrong. You don't have to beseech someone not to spend your money for you. In doing so, you have invited her to find offence where there ought to be none.

If she comes back upset in any way, adopt a firm (but jolly) stance. "Mum come on now, I know you do it out of kindness, but I have to say no out of skintness. It's my money and I want to spend it myself. Now...(change subject)"

Original poster
KinkyAfro · 13/08/2015 11:32

Bosky my mum worked too so had her own money but it went into a joint account. My dad was a little anal with money, incomings/outgoings went on a spreadsheet and everything was accounted for. Mum never really spent much on herself/the house/garden without dad's input and usually he'd have the last word. Although she was free to use the joint account, it had to be accounted for and anything considered frivolous was discussed jointly.

Acquiescence as an example mum spends a lot of time on her garden, it's beautiful and I'll often compliment her on a new ornament, new lighting etc. and it's usually very similar items that will appear in my garden. The last two things she's bought (£15 and £10) have been the most expensive, it's usually a couple of quid/a fiver

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 13/08/2015 11:39

Maybe she still doesn't feel comfortable spending her own money. If you have to account for every penny you spend over a long period of time then I would imagine you feel odd buying things. She wants to buy things so she gets them for you - she must feel you are not controlled in the same way she was.

The5DayChicken · 13/08/2015 11:57

Only a mum could get away with this for so long I think. And I agree, she's not doing it to be kind...she's doing it because she likes shopping but can't justify spending her own money.

There are tactful ways to go about this (PPs have outlined some really good ones) but if this were my DM, she'd carry on doing as she wanted after them. What would work for my DM is if I waited until the next time she did it (preferably for one of her more expensive purchases) and simply told her that though I liked the item I couldn't afford to pay her back. Then I'd explain it in realistic terms when she got annoyed. Ie: I can't afford it. I didn't ask for it. And I've been paying you between X and X amount each month for things you're buying on my behalf without asking. That equates to X number of day's food.

The5DayChicken · 13/08/2015 11:57

Only a mum could get away with this for so long I think. And I agree, she's not doing it to be kind...she's doing it because she likes shopping but can't justify spending her own money.

There are tactful ways to go about this (PPs have outlined some really good ones) but if this were my DM, she'd carry on doing as she wanted after them. What would work for my DM is if I waited until the next time she did it (preferably for one of her more expensive purchases) and simply told her that though I liked the item I couldn't afford to pay her back. Then I'd explain it in realistic terms when she got annoyed. Ie: I can't afford it. I didn't ask for it. And I've been paying you between X and X amount each month for things you're buying on my behalf without asking. That equates to X number of day's food.

The5DayChicken · 13/08/2015 11:57

Only a mum could get away with this for so long I think. And I agree, she's not doing it to be kind...she's doing it because she likes shopping but can't justify spending her own money.

There are tactful ways to go about this (PPs have outlined some really good ones) but if this were my DM, she'd carry on doing as she wanted after them. What would work for my DM is if I waited until the next time she did it (preferably for one of her more expensive purchases) and simply told her that though I liked the item I couldn't afford to pay her back. Then I'd explain it in realistic terms when she got annoyed. Ie: I can't afford it. I didn't ask for it. And I've been paying you between X and X amount each month for things you're buying on my behalf without asking. That equates to X number of day's food.

The5DayChicken · 13/08/2015 11:57

Only a mum could get away with this for so long I think. And I agree, she's not doing it to be kind...she's doing it because she likes shopping but can't justify spending her own money.

There are tactful ways to go about this (PPs have outlined some really good ones) but if this were my DM, she'd carry on doing as she wanted after them. What would work for my DM is if I waited until the next time she did it (preferably for one of her more expensive purchases) and simply told her that though I liked the item I couldn't afford to pay her back. Then I'd explain it in realistic terms when she got annoyed. Ie: I can't afford it. I didn't ask for it. And I've been paying you between X and X amount each month for things you're buying on my behalf without asking. That equates to X number of day's food.

The5DayChicken · 13/08/2015 11:57

Only a mum could get away with this for so long I think. And I agree, she's not doing it to be kind...she's doing it because she likes shopping but can't justify spending her own money.

There are tactful ways to go about this (PPs have outlined some really good ones) but if this were my DM, she'd carry on doing as she wanted after them. What would work for my DM is if I waited until the next time she did it (preferably for one of her more expensive purchases) and simply told her that though I liked the item I couldn't afford to pay her back. Then I'd explain it in realistic terms when she got annoyed. Ie: I can't afford it. I didn't ask for it. And I've been paying you between X and X amount each month for things you're buying on my behalf without asking. That equates to X number of day's food.

The5DayChicken · 13/08/2015 11:57

Only a mum could get away with this for so long I think. And I agree, she's not doing it to be kind...she's doing it because she likes shopping but can't justify spending her own money.

There are tactful ways to go about this (PPs have outlined some really good ones) but if this were my DM, she'd carry on doing as she wanted after them. What would work for my DM is if I waited until the next time she did it (preferably for one of her more expensive purchases) and simply told her that though I liked the item I couldn't afford to pay her back. Then I'd explain it in realistic terms when she got annoyed. Ie: I can't afford it. I didn't ask for it. And I've been paying you between X and X amount each month for things you're buying on my behalf without asking. That equates to X number of day's food.

The5DayChicken · 13/08/2015 11:57

Why that posted 6 times I'll never know! Sorry Blush

ashtrayheart · 13/08/2015 12:05

I wouldn't mention the skint bit unless you really don't mind this when you have more money. She shouldn't be doing this regardless of your financial situation!

WorldofTofuness · 13/08/2015 20:02

Only a mum could get away with this for so long I think.

Oh I don't know, my OH (many years before he became my OH) used to do this to me and someone else we knew. His relatives had recently opened a shop and (understandably wanting to put custom their way) he suggested that we asked him to get from there any of the relevant groceries we needed. Only he then started also bringing back things "I thought you might like/need"--all to be paid for, of course (and the shop was more expensive than my regulars). A bit different from OP's situation as there doesn't appear to be any particular motive for the DM there.
(Situation was resolved amicably in our case--better to try to assume good faith while also not having to justify yourself.)

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