Should my husband have told me immediately?

[Tootsiepops]

My mum's doctors have found an unruptured brain aneurysm, and she's being referred to a neurologist.

We've had a very rough ride over the last few years with bereavements and health problems. I'm 25 weeks pregnant and my mum wanted to shield me from the latest news.

She told my husband about the aneurysm before me. I am pretty angry at him for not telling me as soon as he knew.

AIBU?

It definitely sounds as though it came from only good intentions.

You have had a lot of tragic things happen to you recently, but so has your mum (her son, her husband). This new illness is happening to her and yet she is still trying to protect you from the harsh truth. I know it's not necessary with an adult, but please remember that you are still your mum's child and always will be. She will always want to try and protect you.

As for your DH, he was put in an awkward position. He either had to tell you the news when your DM had asked him not to (and it is her news to tell ultimately) or keep something important from his wife. He did tell you. Maybe not immediately, but within the same day. I think a few hours to think the severity, and implications, of the situation over thoroughly is entirely reasonable. He came to the right decision & told you. That's what you should be focusing on.

Please put this behind you and move on with supporting your mum now. The last thing she needs is to think she's somehow come between you & your DH.

Bathtime has the explanation for your anger upthread. I think it's right.

Thank you everyone. I can see that I am taking things out on my poor husband. I can also see that I need to tell both my mum and my husband that although done with love, I can't cope with being kept out the loop. This isn't about me and I will put my big girl pants on now.

I needed some clarity. Thanks for providing it!

Tootsie you are amazing. Wishing you and your mum all the best

for you and your DM. I hope she gets the best possible news from the neurologist.

It was literally hours between her telling him and telling you. She told him just before you so that he could be prepared to support you.

Your DH couldn't nip in and tell you her news, when he knew she was going to tell you in a couple of hours. Was it his prerogative to change the way she has intended to tell you her very worrying news??

Very different if there had been a time gap of days or weeks but it was few hours in order to protect you and make sure you had DH to look after you.

I am actually quite angry on your DH's behalf, that you could possibly be blaming him at all. He did could not have done anything differently given the circumstances.

I know emotions are high but YABVU to be blaming him.

Ps I know someone who had surgery to remove an unruptured aneurism. It was a fairly long recovery but she lives a perfectly normal life now.

Cross posted.

You are having a very difficult time so I don't want to say Yabu. But he told you within hours, probably waiting for the right time.

What matters is the intention behind why he kept it from you, even though it was only a few hours.

I think you are stressed and you are directing it at dh even though you know it's a bit unreasonable.

I just don't know why I'm so bloody angry with my husband.

Because he's an actual person you can be angry with, and not an aneurysm?

Not yet another thing that threatens to take away someone you love?

Of course you are angry. You've had so much loss recently, it's not fair.

And how can you be angry with a terrible run of luck? It doesn't make sense. Who can you shout at?

I'm so sorry to hear about all your losses.

That's an awful lot of pain to deal with.

Lean on your husband. Don't be angry with him.

He did the right thing by your mother. That is a great thing to know about him now.

I have apologised to my husband for being a cow. I was definitely taking my fear / anger / frustration / temper out on him - it's not his fault the world is a bit shit and unfair.

My poor Mum. I'm trying to sort out work so that I can get home to be with her asap (we're at opposite ends of the country).

it's not his fault the world is a bit shit and unfair.

It's not yours either. Go easy on yourself. :)

I hope you can get down to your Mum without too much stress.

I am so sorry for your trouble. Please don't be angry with your mum or your husband; they are both trying to protect you.
I had a brain aneurysm ten years ago (I made a full recovery) and I worried about protecting my two grown -up children, who coped splendidly; I remember thinking I was glad my parents were no longer alive, because they would have worried so much.
Good luck to your mum; hold on to the fact that it has been diagnosed now and can be treated before any more damage is caused. It is a platitude but it is so true; it is amazing what they can do in hospital now.

Tootsiepops I think you have had a terrible shock and we often don't think rationally in those situations. I am sure both your DM and DH did in that way to protect you. I know you don't think you need protecting, but you will always be your DM's child and that's always going to be natural instinct. Let it go (or fake letting it go) and focus on how you can help her. Look after yourself and best wishes to your DM.