To expect to be able to keep all things finance private?

[Jewels234]

My PIL insist on knowing the price of everything that we have bought, from a holiday to an item of clothing. If I don't tell them they Google it and then give me their opinion (obviously that I spent too much).

Until recently my DH had some old bank statements still going to their house. Which they opened and read.

Now they 'won't let us' buy a house because they are convinced that the housing market in London will crash in 2020. We aren't asking them for money (or their opinion), but they will make it very very difficult to have a good relationship with them unless we accept their take on it.

I'm 31. My DH and I have very stable jobs with good salaries and enough in the bank to buy. I want to buy before I have children with him. If we wait until 2020 I'll be 36. I know it's still possible to have children then, but it's not what I want. They keep telling my DH that if we buy now then interest rates will go through the roof and we will lose our house. I know rates will rise, but we have plans and back ups for that situation.

I don't know where to go with this. My parents stay well out of my financial decisions and are nothing but supportive.

My DH's parents manipulate him by saying 'we gave up X, Y, Z for you and so you need to do this for us'. They are so emotionally manipulative that he struggles to know what the right thing to do is.

Tonight I said that if we don't buy until 2020, and don't start to try to have children until then, and then can't have children, then I can't see our relationship being able to survive. It felt like a terrible thing to say but I see it as an actual possibility at the moment.

Ignoring the PIL issues, imho, prices in London have come off a little. It does depend which area though. Where are you looking? And interest rates are likely the lowest they will be for a long long time. You can get 5 year fixes at 2% and 10 year fixes that are below 5%.

My PIL insist on knowing the price of everything that we have bought, from a holiday to an item of clothing. If I don't tell them they Google it and then give me their opinion (obviously that I spent too much).

Why don't you just tell them to fuck off? Presumably their basic narrative is that you're a gold digger spending their son's money?

My PIL mainly mil can be a bit like this. Not in the manipulative sense but they are quite nosy and seem to want to know the cost of everything we pay out for whether it be something we've bought or a monthly payment like car insurance. I find it really odd, sometimes I conveniently 'forget' how much something costs if I don't want to tell them, in the hope that they get the message to stop being so bloody nosy. They also have an obsession with asking us if we're going on holiday this year even though we've told them about 10 gazillion times that we're not.

If interest rates do go up, surely it's better to get on the housing market now when the rates are low, and fixed mortgages can guard against future rate increases.

Well done on having the serious conversation with your dh. How did he take it?

Why don't you go house hunting, buy a house and don't tell them until fait accompli. I wouldn't tell them what houses you are looking at, as they will criticise and find fault with them.

You need to break free from your in laws and start living your life.

Happy house hunting!

Wow. That has got to be the bat thing I have read in ages.

The pils won't allow us to buy a house.

That it so funny. Sorry.

Ok. Serious tell them to fuck off and buy whatever you want to do. he wants to listen to their shit well honestly, if he doesn't have your back tell him to fuck off as well and find yourself a man instead of a wimp who is still attached to the apron strings.

To be honest their thinking that "interest rates will go through the roof and we will lose our house" isn't really what happens or ever did. Despite what politicians like to say about interest rates when electioneering, virtually all repossessions were and still are to do with much more serious changes in personal circumstances such as loss of job, death of a partner big financial mistakes etc which you can insure yourself against rather than rates increasing per se. Do what you want to do. If you're in London the only thing i would worry about is your quality of life generally and whether you might be better off buying a home outside with more space and more room for family to grow.

Yes, well if you are super stretched with the mortgage you take out, an interest hike would be a problem

Just be sensible

The criteria for buying a house, in your case, op, is that it should be a long and arduous journey from the house of your pils.

Did they interfere like this throughout your whole relationship with your dh, and your wedding?

Just go house hunting and buy the one you both like. It's a planned family home, and you are people living your lives not actors in a play directed by your pils.

Stop telling them your business. you sound like you both spend a lot if time with them, and asking their opinions and judgement. You need to have it clear to them you will make your own decisions and not even ask them- if you ever have children and you haven't sorted this out, you will look back at this moment and think " why didn't I run away" because they will be the worst kind of baby experts as well.

Are they friends as well as pils? Do you defer to them? Get them off that pedestal.

Try saying " thanks for your advice, we will decide later. Anyway, ever been to NZ? My friend is emigrating:) and you can quietly dream away whilst they rant about NZ and what a big mistake your friend is making.

There's a simple answer to all of this.

Stop discussing your financial affairs with them. With regard to buying a house - top secret until you are exchanged, completed and about to move in. So what if they take offence. It is absolutely none of their business and I would be telling them to sod off.

Your DH needs to understand that he is no longer beholden to Mummy and Daddy.

Mil is like this. Always needing to know how much everything costs. Then tells dh I'm spending too much.

Apparently I'm happily spending "his" money and her little prince is so hard done by

Anyway...

Tell dh he needs to tell them to stop interfering. Or tell them yourself. They are right. Interest rates are going to go up (as they can't get any lower). But if you're buying your forever home and have it on say a fixed mortgage for the max period (5 years I think) you'll be ok.

Also. It's none of their business

Lavender has it spot on.
The house is irrelevant, the PIL's are the problem and your DH needs to decide does he want to be with you or go back to mummy ? I was at they opened his bank statements
Bloody hell - I have never ever opened my DC's mail. If your DH considers this normal behaviour I suggest you look at moving a very, very long way from them.
As for having children - heaven forbid what they will do then.

Phew - good job she didn't look at my statements I have no sympathy for the teller getting sacked.

Why is it so vital to buy a house before having kids? Are you expecting a divorce in your future? You can buy a house whenever you want, it has nowt to do with his DPs. 5 years is a long time to waste on what ifs.

Just buy the house and tell them after

I just - buy house before kids as then there is 2 salaries to take into account without any childcare costs.

Yep, we can easily afford this mortgage just on DHs wage, but we wouldn't have got the mortgage just on DHs wage. (Childcare is more than my wage was).

Op, tell your DH he has a choice, ignore his parents and go on with yor plans, or tell you that he accepts not trying for dcs until it's probably too late, accepting that if you are then unable to have dcs, you will never forgive him and end your marriage.

Basically it's time to chose.

If he does chose his mum (and stalling in an attempt to avoid having to buy now is choosing), you should look at ending the relationship anyway, it would be hell having dcs with a man who's parents think they have a right to control the life of their adult son and a woman only related to them by marriage, when that man won't stand up for his wife.

Buy a house, ideally no where near them. Don't tell them until you are moving.

Can’t believe he’s such a wuss. If he can’t tell his parents to wind their neck in then it’s going to be tough when the little ones arrive.

TL

My Dad can be very direct sometimes, which has upset my wife in the past. I have had to have words with him about it, which I found difficult but it had to be done. Your DH also needs to have words with his parents vis a vis your situation. If they say 'if you buy a house we won't give you x' then he needs to just say 'OK don't give us x.' You are in charge of your lives, not them.
P.S. stop getting any statements sent to their house.