Who is BU?

[MythicalKings]

Friend's DD is divorced. She and ex share custody 50/50 and the arrangement is flexible and as friendly as it could be in the circumstances. Ex has the DCs (DD7 and DS5) at the moment and he told their mother he was going to take DD to get her hair cut short because "it's a mess".

Mum has gone ballistic and said he is not to do it but he says they have shared custody and he has as much right as she does to decide. DD isn't bothered either way. She has sometimes said she wants it short. It's her mother who wants it long.

To be fair it is a mess. It's very fine and wispy and looks straggly a lot of the time because it won't stay in a pony tail, plait or bunches, it's just too fine to be constrained. Her dad says he's sick of the battles every morning.

Friend thinks he has a point because she struggles when she looks after DGD but her daughter won't even discuss it.

So who is BU? Does the mother get to overrule the father?

Your friends dd is being UR. She doesn't get to dictate about the child. The father can get her hair cut if he wants to.

The friend's DD is unreasonable here. And it doesn't matter that the custody is 50/50, both parents presumably have PR so yes, the father can indeed go and get the hair cut.

Ideally they'd try to find out what the DD wants, obviously without letting her know that it was a pitched battle between the two parents, or making her feel she was picking a side. But in the absence of her decision, it's no different to any parenting issue - the parents have to come to an agreement between themselves, hard though that may be.

It sounds like, in that respect at least, the father is acting more in his daughter's best interests than the mother is. Certainly the father is fully entitled to make a decision about this, provided that the daughter is OK with it.

No the mother does not get to overrule the father. They have joint custody. Besides it's up to the dd really and it sounds as though she'd prefer it short.

My 3 year old has the choice of how to have his hair (within reason, and with the oft-spouted caveat that if he wants it long, he has to let us look after it properly). If he is old enough to express a preference, then a 7 year old is too, and whichever parent takes her is pretty irrelevant if she will be the one who chooses the end result.

Thanks for the replies which coincide with how I feel. Friend's DD has got herself really upset but it's she who wants DD to have long hair and, let alone what her DF wants, it isn't practical for her type of hair.

I do hope this doesn't cause a huge row and spoil their goodish relationship.

She is being very unreasonable, she doesn't over rule him because she gave birth to the child! The child's hair is a mess and needs sorting, her father is being responsible and dealing with that. She needs to get off her maternal high horse and do what's best for the child.

It's just hair. It grows again. Seems like an odd thing to decide to battle over?

That's what I thought, sweet