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I'm being an awful daughter

32 replies

Fedupd0tcom · 12/08/2015 11:15

I've just had a massive row with my Mum and said some unforgiveable things to her. I just had enough. I'm called by her 6 times a day, or more. I can't do anything in the morning unless I've called. If i don't she says I'm trying to give her a heart attack. She worries all the time. She expects me to see her everyday. If i go somewhere without her i get asked 'why didn't you take me?' If i ask her to come too she says she's too tired and ill. Apparently then, sure says, i should force her, but shes got a chronic health condition so i say stay back and rest then. Her house is seriously dangerous and cluttered. It's very difficult for me to visit with my LO due to this, she misbehaves a lot if we go there. It's not been cleaned in years. I've tried to help clean and tidy it, at her request, but if I try to move anything she screams at me that I'm trying to kill her and want her to die. We recently lost my Dad. She's dealt with the grief better as she was expecting it. I wasn't so am heartbroken. But no time is given for me to be alone to reflect or mourn. I'm expected to hold down my job, be mummy, care for her, move in with her, sort out Dad's estate. All by myself. I can't do it anymore. I told her exactly what i thought of her house today after she told me how stupid i was because i wanted to declutter a room in her house before we paint it, again at her request. I actually am fed up of giving up my family time to do this. For no thanks. She stops me seeing friends and family. Moans to her friends that i won't move into her unsafe house. She is v ill so i want to but it's too dangerous right now and she stops me making it safe. I just want to run away. I've had enough. I'm an awful person. I miss my Dad. She wouldn't even let me spend time with him when he was ill. She tried to stop me marrying my OH because she dislikes his family. I feel so suffocated by her but guilty that she makes me so angry. I'm an awful person, i know. I've tried telling her to see friends. She only will if I drive her there. Go with her. I can't with my LO. She's got access to free transport but wants me to be her taxi. I've had enough.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 12/08/2015 13:41

She sounds slightly worse than my mother. I am an only child too - you have my sympathy, OP. My mother calls me "Shit as a daughter" when I haven't behaved exactly as she thinks I should, and after my DDad died, I got told everything I'd done "wrong" in my life, and how much I had upset my DDad and how I would never be able to put it right now. (If you haven't had this already, I am sure it will come.)

Your life and your DC come first. Try not to be at her beck and call (easier said than done) - maybe a couple of weeks going no contact would be a good starting point.

youarekiddingme · 12/08/2015 13:43

Sorry to hear about your dad Flowers

But believe me and everyone else your not the dreadful person in this scenario.
Your mum sounds scared, lonely and unindependent. But that's not your fault or problem. And she's get support from you with regards this if she was just accept it gracefully rather than be nasty.

Is this behaviour from your mum new? Or was she like this when you were growing up?

Fedupd0tcom · 12/08/2015 14:07

She's always been controlling

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 12/08/2015 14:56

Don't BE controlled then. Stand up to it.

Lottapianos · 12/08/2015 15:08

It's not that simple Gotta. Having a parent like this absolutely destroys your self esteem, your sense of autonomy, your ability to function as an independent adult. It's not like flicking a switch. The guilt can be absolutely crushing.

Gottagetmoving · 12/08/2015 15:55

I understand that, Lottapianos but once you are an adult you have to decide whether to carry on accepting it or to put a stop to it. Of course it is not easy because you have to deal with your ( unnecessary) guilt the worry that somehow it is your own fault.
If you cannot do it on your own, there are people 'out there' who can help with self esteem and counselling etc.

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2015 16:53

It's clear she isn't well, but it's also clear that it's too much for you to cope with. Would she see a doctor? She needs something for anxiety, if for nothing else, but it does sound like she could keep a team of doctors busy for a week!

You have to keep yourself safe and sane. You have to. If that means not answering your phone, not calling her etc, then that's what you have to do.

She would drive me crazy, I know it. I would have to limit my time with her and only speak to her on the phone at regular (but distant) intervals. Your reaction is not abnormal.

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