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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about retirement age?

45 replies

MiddleAgedandConfused · 10/08/2015 10:19

DH and I are at the age where we are starting to talk about retirement.
DH is 3 years younger than me and mentioned that he would retire the same time as me. His reasons are:

What would I do all day without him?
He is a man and will die before me.
His pension pot is bigger than mine.

I don't see why I should have to work 3 years longer than him. Who is BU?

OP posts:

Original poster

MiddleAgedandConfused · 10/08/2015 10:51

SamJohnsonsBoy - agree that technically they are not shared, but when the income from the pensions comes into the family pot, it is shared. We view it as combined income, not individual.

OP posts:

frenchcheeses · 10/08/2015 10:52

You sound very bitter and you are unhappy in your marriage. Surely in a healthy marriage it would be wonderful to be able to retire at the same time, regardless of age and how long each of you had been working? I feel a bit sorry for your husband, frankly. Does he know how bitter you are?

MurielWoods · 10/08/2015 10:52

Are you not looking forward to your retirement together OP? Do you not have lots of plans to travel, try new things together? Do those things that you never got the chance to do when the kids were little?

CalleighDoodle · 10/08/2015 10:52

If youve never viewed your financies as separate, then surely he should be retiring at the same as you???

Original poster

MiddleAgedandConfused · 10/08/2015 10:54

frenchcheeses - sorry to disappoint you but I am very happily married and not at all bitter. But your post has made me laugh!

OP posts:

MrsTedCrilly · 10/08/2015 10:55

But you'll be retiring at the same time, it's not like you're carrying on while he stops early. So why will it feel different? Maybe you were just looking forward to 3 years you time

DocHollywood · 10/08/2015 11:00

Dp is 57 and will retire in 6 years time
I'm 59 and will retire in 7 years time. I'm not jealous, just think he's luckier than me!

caroldecker · 10/08/2015 11:00

His retiring 3 years early could significantly reduce his pension. Have you discussed this and could a compromise be made?
If he is lucky enough to have a defined benefit scheme that allows him to retire early on full pension, he would be daft to keep working.

MaxieMouse · 10/08/2015 11:01

DH's pension pot is way bigger than mine, he worked for the right companies. When the time comes to retire we'll both enjoy that money. At various points in our lives we have each been the higher earner. It doesn't matter, we are in it together for the long term and we'd definitely like to retire at the same time, if possible. You sound incredibly resentful for no reason.

BareGrylls · 10/08/2015 11:01

How old are you now?

I think you should retire as soon as you are financially able to. I never heard anyone say they wished they had worked longer.
Could you retire before him?

DH retired at 57. I am 9 years younger so carried on working. DC are still teenagers.
I did have a year or so off between jobs and I have to say that now I work part time again I prefer it. Two of us rattling round at home all day can be a bit much.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/08/2015 11:03

I think this may be about having to carry the financial burden of supporting the family and that her DH gets to give up the responsibility at a younger age than she does. (this interpretation is a reflection of my own thought patterns!)

HazelBite · 10/08/2015 11:05

DH is 4 years younger than me but does a very physical job (building trade) and I think that he will want to retire round about the same time as me.

However I don't think "age" necessarily the prime factor when it comes to retirement, life has a habit of throwing up the unexpected at you as you get older, think of all the health issues that have a habit of arising, and existing conditions that get suddenly get worse as you push yourself to cope with a busy lifestyle as you approach your sixties!

There is also the financial aspect around this, what you were advised would provide a good pension in your 40's can prove to be inadequate 20 years on.
This has certainly happened to us! instead of DH paying into all these pension funds since he was 17 ,( he would have been better off putting all the contributions under the mattress or in the Bank)

I know plenty of people who have planned to retire at a specific time only when they get there they change their mind for one reason or another.

I think the OP should just say "Yes dear" when her DH talks about retirement the reality in the future could be very different.

In short I think it is something in this day and age that you cannot have plans set in stone...(.Mr Cameron please take note).....Unfortunately our politicians are far too young to have any idea how hard commuting, working, having older children still living at home, in your sixties is!

Lightbulbon · 10/08/2015 11:09

Have you actually looked up what both of your state retirement ages are?

DP will get his state pension when he is slightly younger than the age I'll be because we are on either side if ine of the cut off for the increase in state retirement from 65 to 68.

(I imagine mine will be 70 by the time that comes)

I assumed that everyone just retires on the date of their state retirement. For most couples surely this means one will retire first.

I've never heard of a couple trying to do it at the same time before.

Original poster

MiddleAgedandConfused · 10/08/2015 11:10

HazelBite - love your answer! I think I will go with that approach!

OP posts:

32percentcharged · 10/08/2015 11:17

Dh and I always view money as 'joint' but the fact remains that a pension pot 'belongs' to the contributor. You may choose to treat the pension money as completely shared, but just as a point of technical fact, you don't have equal access to it in that once the pension holder dies, the spouse will only get the widow (ers) element , if there is one

PrimalLass · 10/08/2015 11:18

Why don't you think of it as 'years you have been together' rather than age. That way you retire at the same time.

Original poster

MiddleAgedandConfused · 10/08/2015 11:22

PrimalLass - wise words.

OP posts:

Bluegrass · 10/08/2015 11:25

This attitude just doesn't make sense to me - it is like hearing my toddler's version of what's "fair"!

Your lives have been different and no one is keeping score (at least they shouldn't be). The idea of me and DP both being retired at the same time (and hopefully healthy enough to enjoy it together) Feels like one of the main compensations for getting old! I just can't fathom wanting them to trudge off to work every day for 3 years to settle some imaginary account when we could be having fun together.

What if - God forbid- he died during that time, imagine the regret at the time lost to you both. I know you said you were happy together but it just makes no sense to me at all to prefer to see your partner tucked away in an office

bilbodog · 10/08/2015 12:15

if his pension pot is so good then why can't you retire when you want to - you may have to collect your pension later but if you have always shared money then if you can both live on his pension why not do that? I don't think you HAVE to work until a certain age - y ou just don't necessarily get your pension until a certain age.

Original poster

MiddleAgedandConfused · 10/08/2015 12:56

bilbodog - his pension pot isn't great - its just bigger than mine! Sadly, not enough for us both to retire early in luxury.

OP posts:

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