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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just move out

23 replies

Changebagsandgladrags · 09/08/2015 15:46

H will not or cannot clean or tidy.

He works FT I work PT but my commute is much longer.

I wouldn't mind if I had to run the hoover over the place and clean the floors, dusting etc etc. But:

Clearing up and binning 1001 used earplugs (his)
Wiping the shit (his) off the loo
Collecting pants and socks for washing
Etc
Etc
Etc

He cannot bloody throw anything away. Is fecking shite at getting anything done. The shed is full of crap (his). Can't even get the mower out so the grass is knee height.

AIBU just to move the fuck out?

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 09/08/2015 15:50

He sounds like a pig.

Do you mean actually leave him for good, or go to a hotel for the weekend as a protest hoping he cares, or are you just having a rant to make yourself feel better?

I'm not good at judging tone

NickiFury · 09/08/2015 15:52

If you're in a position to, no kids, finances allow, yes too right!

Original poster

Changebagsandgladrags · 09/08/2015 15:54

I don't know.

No point in going to a hotel for the weekend as the place would be worse when I got back.

OP posts:

ilovechristmas1 · 09/08/2015 15:54

bloody hell he sounds awful to live with

of course he can do those things but while you do it for him he dosent have to,simple

grow a bloomin back bone and make a stand

Original poster

Changebagsandgladrags · 09/08/2015 15:55

Kids

OK take or leave?

Sigh

OP posts:

Original poster

Changebagsandgladrags · 09/08/2015 15:57

Ah well see, now he 'can't' due to bad back. You know earplugs and shit shifting might do permanent damage.

OP posts:

Spartans · 09/08/2015 15:58

You have kids?

Presuming it's your house too and you will be the rp, you should speak to him about him leaving.

What are finances like if you leave

FenellaFellorick · 09/08/2015 15:58

Are you saying that you actually do want to leave him?
If so, then I'd say take the children. If the home environment is so awful that you want to leave, it wouldn't be right to leave them in it.

Sazzle41 · 09/08/2015 19:51

Well what happens when he doesnt do stuff? Nothing means he carries on. Time to set some new ground rules with consequences that take place if they arent me.

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2015 19:54

I can't tell with these threads whether the OP is sounding off but will stay, knowing things will stay the same, or whether she wants advice on leaving. Sorry, OP - it sounds fucking horrible. I wouldn't clean the toilet after anyone but a child or disabled adult.

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2015 19:55

And his bad back does not make him disabled. Put a £10 on the floor - if he picks it up, he's capable of cleaning the toilet.

OwlinaTree · 09/08/2015 20:01

Love that advice imperial!

suzanneyeswecan · 09/08/2015 20:02

the slob almost always has the most power in these conflicts, as far as I can tell these scenario's are just intractable :(

treesntrees · 09/08/2015 20:24

I think I would just put everything in the bin including the valuable things then when he asks where they are say as they were on the floor you thought they were rubbish.

Original poster

Changebagsandgladrags · 09/08/2015 21:22

Thanks all. I thought I was imagining it.

So today I stood over him while he sorted out his personal pigsty (wardrobe). I'd lost a pair of swimming trunks and was sure they were in there. Piles of dirty stinking pyjama bottoms. FFS.

He now has 3 bags of shite to go through. It's sitting right next to him but he's huffing and puffing and moaning about his back.

I tell you if the shite is still there on bin day...

I it reasonable to divorce on grounds of being a slob?

OP posts:

suzanneyeswecan · 09/08/2015 21:26

So today I stood over him while he sorted out his personal pigsty

problem is that you end up having to supervise and organise him, so what ever happens you end up doing more work, it's always your burden

Original poster

Changebagsandgladrags · 09/08/2015 21:34

Oops I think I have accidentally emailed this thread to one of the posters.

Apols I didn't even know that was possible..

OP posts:

Pseudo341 · 09/08/2015 21:37

Can you afford to pay a cleaner? Might solve the problem for you.

I wouldn't give up straight away, my husband's pretty messy, but then so was I when we first got together, I've just been home while he's been out working very long hours so I've got better at tidying. Despite all my best efforts I'm still a naturally very messy person so I do understand the mentality.

Have you tried telling him what to do? It could be he simply hasn't got the brain capacity left after work to make any decisions about it. Assign him a bin by the bed (I'm assuming that's where they are) especially for his ear plugs. Tell him before you throw anything out but if he doesn't sort it out then go ahead and throw things out. Try moving the washing basket, with the lid off, to the exact spot where he dumps the socks and pants. Give him specific tasks, don't ask him to tidy up tell him specifically to put a certain thing away and tell him where it goes. Also you could buy one of those toilet cleaner things with the pads that you throw away and send him off to use it whenever you notice he's left a mess. Maybe do a ruthless team effort on the shed on a weekend and chuck a load of stuff but get him to do a lot of the physical labour.

I know you shouldn't have to organize him but given that you've got kids I think it's worth trying to make things work. Also a good idea to sit down and have a proper chat with him and explain (calmly) just how much of a problem this is for you. Then give him your clear instructions as to what you want him to do about it, and keep reminding him. If you can't get him to agree to try then I guess it's time to go.

Pseudo341 · 09/08/2015 21:44

Took me so long to type that I cross posted.

I see you've been attempting to organize him. If he complained about it then that's a big problem. If he won't recognize that his messiness is a problem then he's not going to change. It sounds like he was trying to make you feel guilty for making him do it which is really wrong. Does he understand this is getting to be a deal breaker for you?

Original poster

Changebagsandgladrags · 09/08/2015 22:16

We used to have a cleaner but I got fecked off that she'd need to spend some of her time clearing away the breakfast things (I leave before they all get up) and picking up rubbish rather than being able to clean.

OP posts:

suzanneyeswecan · 09/08/2015 22:58

did the cleaners wages come out of his money wages
After all she was only needed because he wasnt doing his share

Pseudo341 · 10/08/2015 07:25

Were you less fecked off when you had a cleaner than you are now? He's clearly never going to be perfect but if you could get it to a situation where you can live with it it might just save things.

IJustLostTheGame · 10/08/2015 08:23

Just throw his stuff away.
If he objects, throw him away.

I had a slobby dh, until after leaving bin bags of his shit for two weeks by his bed before throwing them away.

He's nowhere as slobby now. He still moans occasionally about some of his precious tat I callously binned but he had his chance.
He also cleans the loo loads now. But I don't know where that came from.

It's your house too and you have the right not to live in a pigsty. Or with a pig for that matter

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