To think you shouldn't poison your children's minds against family members? Even if you don't have a perfect relationship with them?

[Bluegreensea]

This may get long so I'm going to just stick with the main points.

I had a good relationship with my sister up until I got married and had my own children. From retrospect, I think the thing that changed was that I started to resent having to look after her children all the time. Before me getting married she'd leave them with me all the time (without asking, just dropping them off) and I'd look after them happily.

Things changed when I realised I was being taken a fool. I'd come home from work in the evening and find crisp packets and food on the living room floor....dishes in the sink.... We lived with my dad and she'd waltz her kids there after school to make a mess and then leave. I was always told it was dad's house and she can do whatever she wants. Except I was the one having to clean up after her mess.

We had loads of fights and arguments. We stopped talking for months and then she moved away for 6 years. In that time we'd make friends and then fight about something again. She'd keep blocking me off Facebook and telling me not to write comments on her photos...or delete my comments. Really petty things.

Over the 6 years she's been telling her 9, 12 and 15 year old about every little disagreement and argument we have had to the point of showing them the messages we've exchanged. when she makes friends with me, my nieces and nephews are normal and loving with me again...but when we argue, they turn cold and rude to me. Gradually they're turning more and more cold towards me.

I love my nieces and nephews but I was being taken a mug when I used to give up my spare weekends and time to look after them. I had to stop it.

I'm in a situation where I don't know whether I should keep in touch with them forcefully, or just let them be?

All I know is that my mum had differences with her siblings but she never told us their exchanges until we were much older and could judge for ourselves...sister has been poisoning their thoughts since they were 3,6 and 9. And it's not just against me, it's also against my other siblings and aunts and uncles dsis dislikes.

You're both modelling horrible ways of communicating to children. No wonder that they are learning them. Sulking, cutting people off, playing games on FB, messaging instead of talking? Time to learn good communication principles.

With them being older, I'd be tempted to just write a private message to them saying that although you and your sister may fall out (as siblings do) you want them to know that it would never affect your relationship with them. The the ball is in their court then as to how they proceed. TBF, they're almost adults themselves so neither you nor your sister/their mother could force their feelings on the matter.
I think you'd just have to such it up and accept whatever their take on the situation is

*then the ball
and *suck it up

Did and I didn't speak for the best part of a year, but we went out of our way to ensure our dc saw each other. I can't stand her H but again, ds does seem to like his uncle so we don't bad mouth him and encourage ds to see him and are positive about the time he spends with them. YANBU. Using children as pawns is fucking horrible.

Exactly what MrsTerryPratchett said. You are both giving children an appalling example of how adults behave towards one another.

I completely agree with mrsterry about setting a bad example. The thing is she won't see me face to face. She messages her piece, I retaliate and then she blocks me...she also doesn't open the door if you go around.

She had similar arguments with my aunts when she was living away and my nieces and nephews had made up horrible names for our Aunt. she never stopped them or told them to respect her.
It's like she brainwashes them into thinking like her. She fights with everyone, backbites and when she is confronted she starts the blocking and brainwashing the kids.

I forgot, last month it was my nephews birthday and I told her I'll be sending a present. At the same time she started an argument with me because we were talking about the past and I said it was hurtful she never let me talk to her in school and told people I was her cousin. She started going mad at me and told me not to send him a present and that her kids don't need "your fucking presents". So I cancelled the present.
Two days after his birthday she decided to bring him around my house with a cake and we did a little late party for him, and then she started bitching about our brother who hadn't contacted her for his birthday. I ended up giving him £20 because I'd cancelled his present and I was made to feel bad.

My oldest DC is 7 and I never mention anything to her. It's just so frustrating she's sharing our differences with her kids so openly.

Jesus, OP, you cancelled you nephew's present because you had a row with his mum?

Sorry, but you both need to grow up.

She told me that when she received it, she'd send it back or dump it outside my house. Rather than be embarrassed in front of my dh (who my sister also hates) I cancelled it.

I know this is all so petty, but I'm trying to explain how she is using her kids to cause hurt.

I don't get along with one of my brothers but he's offered to take my DC to a theme park and I said yes straightaway because i don't want to stand in the way of my kids relationship with him. My sister stops my children from going to her house and doesn let hers come here (when she's not talking to me).

Ffs poor kids.

How old are you both? I don't mean that snidely, it's a genuine question. I'm just wondering why you're still arguing about things that happened when you were at school.

Just wrote a long message and lost it .

We're in our early and late 30's. We sound pathetic don't we.

The reason why we're still arguing about school is because thinking back she's always made me feel like shit. The argument about school was just me saying she used to ignore me at school and didn't want to acknowledge me as a sister. She never used to let me talk to her friends either...she's still the same. If I ever met her friends anywhere she'd tell me to keep away because they're jealous/rude/not nice/users, yet she's friends with them and meets them regularly now.

I just don't know how to act with my nieces and nephews. Is there any point in trying to make contact all the time when they obviously hate me?

Must add, she completely ignored all my kid's birthdays for the past few years, including my dd2's first birthday last year. I've always sent cards or messages to wish them a happy birthday.

Did you grow up with dysfunctional relatives who had little insight, as your DN and DN are?

howd I don't know how dysfunctional my relatives were as we never saw them growing up as we grew up abroad. My mum always spoke nicely about my aunts and uncles though. Looking back, they never were in touch with us and neither my mum with them very often. When I grew up I found I got along with some of them and not with the others which I think is normal. My mum died when I was a teen so I can't ask her what her relationship was like with her siblings. I can only speculate.

Send the kids a card every year, include your number/email so they can contact you but don't bother with gifts and the like. Don't force communication, it has to be two way. You are both very used to this dynamic with your sister calling the shots and in control and it sounds like that behaviour is filtering through to all your kids. Do you want your DC to be posting here in 15 years about her cousins and aunt? About watching this all her life and then having to live the same role you did? Because that will happen.

For both you families sakes cut off communication and this toxicity and just be open when/if the kids want you. Kids will always take their parents side, even if their parents are wrong, until they are old enough or open minded enough to see the truth. You can't stop that, all you can do is what's est for your family- have minimal contact by sending cards every year which shows you are thinking of them but don't play into this toxic role.