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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask why having kids is expensive?

561 replies

HodgePodge23 · 08/08/2015 15:06

What do you need to buy them apart from toys, food, clothes and a few other bits and bobs here and there? I have an 8 month old so maybe things will get more expensive with time, but I really don't understand why people say having children is expensive. What are people spending their money on?

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 10/08/2015 15:18

What is AP?

fourtothedozen · 10/08/2015 15:21

Attachment parenting

SurlyCue · 10/08/2015 15:39

Ahh thanks four

Ragwort · 10/08/2015 17:39

You are in for a hell of a shock when your DCs get old enough to say 'if you loved me you'd buy me an iPad/Xbox/£100 trainers/theme park trip/holiday abroad'.

If your child says that to you do really think the answer is therefore to buy an ipad/X box etc. Hmm

I can't believe how so many parents seem to indulge their children, what about the comment ages ago when someone actually said 'my child is so cute that I just have to buy her something everytime we go out' Hmm.

We could afford to buy our teenage DS a lot more than we do, because we don't want to waste money on material stuff and hate the designer, fashion conscious attitude that so many teenagers have & believe he should save his own money if he wants non-essential items. If he chooses to accuse us of not 'loving him enough' - well, I'm not going to lose any sleep over that sort of attitude.

Stillwishihadabs · 10/08/2015 18:24

Well Hodgepodge it depends on what you count as essential really doesn't it. I have a friend who has a 2:1 degree from a London University, she hasn't worked since having her dcs (they are 10 &8). They have enough to eat, but her son is they only one in the school football team without proper boots. They have moved 3 times because their private landlord decided to sell up. Again because of renting they can't redecorate their home. The 10 year old is the only one in the year without Internet acsees at home. Sometimes the heating is only on for an hour a day in the winter.They have never been abroad.But by some standards they have the essentials. I think she should use her quals to give her dcs a better standard of living, but we are all different.

NellysKnickers · 10/08/2015 19:28

Oh OP, enjoy these times. It WILL get expensive. It cost me £7.30 for a return bus trip into the city, 20 mins. I didn't even have to pay for ds2, just me and ds1. Then there was food and drinks, not even in a sit down place, the activities we did were free but all the little extras added up. This is just 1 day out of the school hols. Even without all the expensive gadgets/clothes etc.

PacificDogwood · 10/08/2015 20:12

I sometimes wish I were a SAHP, but then I realise that it is a case of 'grass is always greener'.
I am glad I took as much Mat Leave as I did (6months x4), but I know for a fact that I am a better parent for having something else that gives me a sense of worth and self and of who I am.
I also was loathe to not use 10+ years of training, working 100+ hrs/wk and all the immeasurable experience I'd gained before I had DS1 when I was 37.

I agree that childrearing is very much undervalued in our society. As is 'home making' to use that US phrase.
I just now that I, personally would have been rather more rubbish at both, if I had to do nothing else (I'm not saying I'm brilliant Grin but I am doing my bloody best).

Hodge, we both earn enough that we could live on either of our incomes.
I would never assume that I am doing it 'right' and you are doing it 'wrong', but trust me, lots of thought has gone in to how we have organised our lives, as I am sure you have thought about it.

The fact that children are expensive however is a Universal Truth Wink

SaveMeBarry · 10/08/2015 21:41

I just wonder why those who could afford to live on one income don't choose to.

Well op DH or I could give up work and we'd manage on one income. We could cover the mortgage, bills, we'd still need two cars, could be more frugal with food etc. but savings run out and an interest rate increase or a replacement boiler for example would likely put us under pressure and really there would be very little in the way of luxuries (mind you I think some on here would consider owning more than two pairs of knickers a luxury!).

I grew up with just the necessities. Never a family holiday, days out were once in a blue moon, almost never any new clothes. As a small child never having the pretty little items the other little girls take for granted, as a teen not being able to join friends for a wander in town because your parents can't spare the bus fare, can't join clubs or after school activities and so on and so on. Each of these things might sound petty but never having anything more than the essentials gets very bloody wearing.

We both work full time because we want to be able to give our DCs more than we had. More experiences, more opportunities. Not everyone works just to own stuff, I'm sure I'm not the only person here who just wants better for her children and while not everyone is fortunate enough to be able to do that, DH and I are.

NewLife4Me · 10/08/2015 21:42

Ragwort

I know some parents who feel so guilty because they don't see much of their dc, they spend a full wage buying "stuff" for them.
It isn't the difference between them doing without or having a comfortable life, it really is ruining them. It goes beyond spoiling Grin
It's each to their own though and of course people can raise their dc how they want to.
As I said upthread if any of my dc made a statement like that I'd believe I'd failed them as a parent tbh.

girliefriend · 10/08/2015 21:53

When dd was a baby she was very cheap, didn't eat much, lots of hand me down clothes, easily pleased with a few books and a wooden spoon to bash on the floor!

She is now a great big 9yo and much more expensive! She eats quite a lot more, clothes cost more, shoes cost a fortune, swimming lessons and horse riding lessons (which she loves) cost lots, plus we do more stuff - go swimming, to the cinema, days out etc.

Thats without childcare costs which for this summer holiday period alone must have been at least £200 if not more and thats with me taking 3 weeks annual leave and my mum having her for a week!!

Dd is not spoilt at all, she does not get random gifts, she does not have an x box/ipad or any of the other expensive gadgets some of her friends have, I am on a low income and a single parent. Dd still costs me a fortune!!

tilliebob · 10/08/2015 21:56

Babies are pretty much free at the outset....it's the running costs that cripple you. And unlike a car, you can't trade them in! My teens eat loads, grow out of loads and eldest do has bigger feet than his father now and is still growing. Size 11 men's shoes/trainers etc cost a bomb Confused

MrsHathaway · 10/08/2015 22:52

Today I took the DC to a FREE museum. It cost over £20 in fares Confused and I only have to pay for one of them.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 10/08/2015 22:53

We both work but could live on one salary or other if we needed to.

Our reasons for working are:-

  1. Security - 2 weeks after I went back to work when DC1 was 11 months (secretly planning to give it three months, announce it wasn't working and hand in my notice) my DH was made redundant. Not a nice, several months warning redundant. But "go to his weekly 10am meeting with his boss and escorted out of the building by 10:35am". It was a difficult time but we knew we wouldn't lose our house and that we would be feed ourselves.
  1. Part time / flexible working. I work three days a week, Dh works flexibly meaning that he can pick did up from school one day a week. We'd not be able to get this if one of us had given up work for a few years
  1. Future options. By keeping our careers going we have options in the future. For example private school if we think that one of them needs it. (Dd appears to be very academic and we have ASD and dyslexia in my family and ADHD in dh's plus our catchment secondary is very very poor so who knows what will be best in the future.)
  1. Never worrying about money. It's a wonderful thing to never fear the electricity bill coming through, to be able to just turn the heating up a notch if we feel chilly, to know that our children will never be hungry.
  1. Career building. We both worked hard to build up our careers and made a lot of sacrifices to do so. If one of us gave up work then we would lose that.
  1. Intellectual enjoyment. We both get a certain level of intellectual interest from our jobs.
  1. Nursery. The kids get things from nursery that they don't get from us. (I'm about as artistic as a slug so arts and crafts are not my strong point.)
  1. Balanced lives. We both work. We both actively care for our children. We both have made career sacrifices to do so. We both still have the pressures of work. We understand each other better because of this I think. And the kids get lots of both of us.
  1. Luxuries. We like holidays, meals out, nice new clothes, a house big enough for us to have a bit of space each. The kids like holidays, meals out, their playroom, toys. MN is full of people determinedly outdoing each other on how they live on the famous never ending chicken and their children get enormous amounts of satisfaction from an egg box and a library book. But I don't want to live like that if I don't have to.

I'm not a full "working mum" - I only work 3 days a week - but it works for us. Sometimes I get pangs about being home with the kids full time. Sometimes I get pangs about the promotion that I am not going for because it would involve really long hours plus 5 years of maternity leaves and part time working has changed my reputation from "high flyer" to "won't sack her this week" Grin but generally I think we are doing the right thing.

Kids seem pretty happy. And healthy. And doing well. And lovely. So that is enough for me. (Although I would like a tad more sleep!) Grin

DelphiniumBlue · 10/08/2015 23:07

Adult size clothes. Car big enough to fit them in. School trips. Food, haircuts, shoes. Childcare. House big enough to fit them in. Time off work. Restricted employment opportunities. Heat. Computers. Holidays. I could go on.

A baby doesn't cost so much, like you say you can breastfeed, co-sleep,dress them in hand-me-downs, but a 14 year old eats shop bought food( and a lot of it) needs an adult size bed in (preferably) his own room, needs adult sized shoes at adult prices and occasional new clothes ( even if only of the Primark variety). He needs school uniform. It's nice if he can have had swimming/sport/music lessons, and sometimes go the cinema or theatre. He needs books and access to a computer. He needs to travel sometimes. His hair needs to be cut. School dinners cost a lot of money, he doesn't often get those. Even if you are frugal, all these things cost money. I earn less than I did pre kids 22 years ago ( in actual cash terms) but money has to go so much further.

G1veMeStrength · 10/08/2015 23:13

I don't know what I have laughed at more. The OP 'not understanding' why parents go to work, or the lurid green hypervenoms. I shudder to think of the amount Nike have made out of me over the past few years.

BikeRunSki · 10/08/2015 23:32

^
I'm not a full "working mum" - I only work 3 days a week - but it works for us. Sometimes I get pangs about being home with the kids full time. Sometimes I get pangs about the promotion that I am not going for because it would involve really long hours plus 5 years of maternity leaves and part time working has changed my reputation from "high flyer" to "won't sack her this week" grin but generally I think we are doing the right thing.^

MumOf you've put into words what I've thought do often over the last 7 years. Although, in the last few weeks I have been asked to present a paper at an international conference (in the UK) , and attend a 4 day workshop in the Netherlands. Huge ego boost!

HodgePodge23 · 10/08/2015 23:46

I was pretty sure that my second question would prove unpopular with some but I was curious, so I asked. It's very interesting to see everyone's different reasons. Thanks for all the answers!

OP posts:
stargazer2030 · 10/08/2015 23:47

The early years are cheap - you get loads bought or given you and don't actually need that much. It does get much worse though. Have 3 teens now, 1 at uni and they cost a fortune!

G1veMeStrength · 10/08/2015 23:55

Really? How can you be that unaware of the world 'I was curious' and planning to home educate?

HodgePodge23 · 11/08/2015 00:07

I'm not unaware of the world. I had my ideas as to why someone might make that choice but I wanted to actually see people's reasons. Surely being inquisitive is a good trait? It's certainly one I hope my son has.

OP posts:
32percentcharged · 11/08/2015 00:21

Some manic back-pedalling going on here. Seriously, you must be living in a bubble if you need to ask why people choose to work after they become parents.

Kitella · 11/08/2015 00:53

Savemebarry - your post is so true. My mother was a SAHM but money was very tight, and often we didn't have a lot. We never have an ice cream from the van - always an ice pole from the fridge. And my mum was frequently 'not hungry' on a Thursday because my dad didn't get paid until Friday. And to facilitate my mum being at home full time, my dad worked a second job, and was often tired and a bit grumpy. Whilst I recognise that my parents were amazing parents who always put us first, I do remember feeling guilty about asking for money as a child. It's not something I wanted for my children and so chose to stay in employment.

Whilst not being a factor at the time, in hindsight, one of the main benefits has been that I have been able to keep my fingers in when my children were small, but build back up my career now they're older. So I used to work just 10 teaching hours a week. When DD2 started nursery, I did nursery hours (15 hours) when DD2 started school, I increased my hours again and took on more responsibility.... Only now that my DD has turned 8, have I gone back to work full time. And between me, my husband and my parents, we manage this without using any form of childcare whatsoever. But my friends who gave up teaching when they had their DC are often struggling to get teaching posts, some are doing poorly paid TA work, whereas my career is back on track, I've taken on a lot of responsibility and when my DD2 starts secondary, I'll be ready for a SMT role. This will be perfect, as already my DD1 (just starting secondary) spends very little time at home, and is always out at one club or another. When DD2 gets to this age, I'll be ready for a new challenge, rather than struggling to get back to the pay I was once on, as some of my friends are ...

However, I guess if you've never had a career as such, then I guess there's nothing to lose / sacrifice.

RedDaisyRed · 11/08/2015 07:06

I don't think it gets people very far to answer that question. In my view I could produce about 100 reasons it is better for the chidlren if both parents work and that you could actively damage the children by staying home with them but that seems to make stay at home mothers cry but there is no reason a working parent shoudl have to justify their choice more so than a stay at home mother. Why would you actively choose to damage the progress of women by staying home and ensure your child for example cannot go to the fee paying schools which assure it a balanced education and happy and well paid life? That is perhaps the question women on the thread should be asking rather than why doesn't one of you stay home.
Also surely if you have 2 children ath ome if your view is parent at home is best you ought to have both parents on benefits so the child has mother and father all day long and night rather than just mother as then they would get even more of this supposedly brilliant parental care.

By the way I write from a standpoint of money not being necessary with children even though I earn quite a lot. People know I had a smalli sland in the pacific and the stuff the children have done ther enad elsewhere costs nothing - it's about survival skills, gathering water and the like. All those things cost very little and are a lot more fun than computer games.

Christinayanglah · 11/08/2015 07:33

Give

Ah you understand my pain re hyper venoms ( now thete is a sentence I never thought I would say)

MrsHathaway · 11/08/2015 08:15

the fee paying schools which assure it a balanced education and happy and well paid life

At the risk of being suckered in, independent schools guarantee no such thing. Even the best ones.

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