AIBU to want to get engaged but want it to be his idea!

[purpleframe]

short back story. married for a decade to a man I later found out cheated on me throughout our whole relationship. divorced. new man. great relationship. love everything about him and it apart from lack of proposal!

We've been together for 4 years now and are trying for a baby so commitment isn't the issue. It's the fact that I'd really like to be married again and he keeps brushing it off. It's a colossal waste of money is his reasoning.

now we could sit down and have a conversation about how I don't want a big expensive ring (and in fact I wouldn't want a diamond at all - I would something completely different from the ring my cheating ex gave me). I would in fact be deliriously happy with just a second hand beautiful ring and I know you can pick one up for about 40 quid.

I wouldn't want a big ceremony or an expensive day. I just want to be married to him because I love him.

here's where I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face. we could have this conversation. but because I feel so damaged by my ex who clearly didn't love me even though we were together for so long - I don't want to marry a man that I have to talk into it! ridiculous I know.

We've had a romantic weekend away recently and he didn't propose (again) and I'm feeling shit. which is stupid because we've just had a lovely weekend away and why am I sabotaging my enjoyment of our relationship by getting hung up on a ring and a proposal?!!

it isn't even like I want to get married tomorrow. I'd be perfectly happy with a long engagement while we saved a little for whatever ceremony we would have. I'd be happy with a registry office and the pub! I just really want the feeling of security of knowing - really knowing that he wants to stay together.

so.

put on big girl pants and have a conversation with him. (but then I'd feel like I'd talked him into it - see above)

ask him myself - eeek! I'd like to think I was a modern woman and a feminist, but it just wouldn't sit well with me and also - I want to be asked (see above issues of insecurity and emotional scarring by shitty ex)

just wait - he might get to it in his own sweet time. but how do I stop thinking about it and getting arsey and sabotaging a perfectly great relationship by being in a permanently pissy mood in the mean time?

aibu to just want a damned ring and a romantic proposal!!

woah woah woah! who said anything about manipulation?
I picked up on the phrase which was used up thread. It's not necessarily meant in a wholly negative or conniving way. It just means guiding things towards the outcome you'd like.

I know. I know I should have a conversation with him. this is literally the only subject we don't discuss. and yes we live together and discuss staying together. forever.
But to my mind it's probably one of the most, if not the most important subject and the fact you're posting about it means it's extremely important to you too.

I'm not even sure your respective past relationships are relevant, this is about how you feel about each other and your relationship.

The big proposal has become a bit of a thing these days. I've never been proposed to. I have though been married. Once. For over three decades. Sometimes I have thought that I'd have liked a really romantic proposal, but I wouldn't trade that for a good relationship and other things have happened, more spontaneously, which have been very romantic.

Like I said, talk to each other and content yourselves. Don't confuse big gestures with deeper love and commitment, but you have to feel safe and secure within the relationship. If you have another child this is even more important.
I can never understand people for whom having a child is less of a commitment than being married, not when it becomes a sticking point and one partner's unhappy with the status quo.

I couldn't live with someone, or try for a baby with them, without having had the marriage conversation. Just step up and speak to him. Is it a deal breaker for you? If so, you need to have the conversation pretty fast. If not, it isn't going to hurt you to remain unmarried.

OK. you all win. I sucked it up and had the conversation. thank you ladies - couldn't have done it without you . it wasn't the money. that was a brush off tactic. it was issues about getting engaged to the ex previously and then it all going tits up before the wedding.

he didn't want us to get pregnant and engaged all in one go and put too much stress on our relationship as happened previously. he's committed to us and wanted to take it slow.

he was already planning to ask my dad (so sweet - we're in our mid thirties!) and was already looking at rings.

so I am reassured. he wants the dust to settle after our conversation today so I am surprised when he does do it.

I picked such a great man.

aibu for the win

Grab any win! And that sounds like a good one, you'll have to update after the proposal!

I hope all goes to plan for you. I am a bit worried that you're now sat around waiting for a proposal; I would have thought you should be setting a date after that discussion. You are already in your mid thirties and hoping to have a child. If he's on board with marriage I would have thought it a priority to get married so you can TTC.

I realise you were already TTC, but as this important issue isn't actually sorted, surely you will put off TTC until the marriage occurs. Action is more important than words.

Sorry to sound like a downer, but there have been enough posts on this forum from women promised proposals that never materialise that I just want to advise caution.

Woohoo! Well done OP - great AIBU, you took control of the situation, great job! These things are usually misunderstandings, well done for having an honest chat about it.

Great op. If you are young could you wait to ttc until after you are married. Just enjoy being a couple at moment....until he asks. Fingers crossed op its not too long a wait x

Take it from someone in a similar position, after saying I wanted to get married and him saying he did too- 6 months later and I am still waiting for a proposal and real wedding plans.

However, unlike you we already have a child together, get some real plans in motion now and be actually married before you have a child with him.

We have been together for 10 years now and it is obvious he does not want to get married so I am resigned to it not happening. You can't force something like this if the other does not truly want it too. - this is what you need to be sure of if marriage is important to you.

it was issues about getting engaged to the ex previously. And yet, despite all these issues and "needing the dust to settle"; and constantly brushing you off, he's been looking at rings???
But you're not allowed to have one yet, you have to wait to be surprised?
I don't want to be mean but it sounds like a load of codswallop designed to make you do exactly what you have done; back off and wait for the great proposal at his convenience, which may or may not happen at all.

he was already planning to ask my dad

Ask your dad for what?

Sounds more positive but remember actions speak louder than words. Hope everything works out for you.

Why is asking your dad sweet when you are in your thirties?

Great that you had the chat though, def good to be married with children for all the reasons given by pp, hope he pops the question soon and you are happy with it.