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Original poster

To view short-term bf as future father of children?

26 replies

BloodFlower · 07/08/2015 17:56

[Name change due to embarrassment]

I have known my current boyfriend for around a year. Things are going swimmingly, I can practically hear choirs of angels singing when I'm around him. The problem is that I can't stop imagining having children with him. He's fantastic around kids, and I know that if I asked him he'd jump at the chance of ttc (he's 40, I'm 27).

The rational part of me says that this is too soon in the relationship, but I was wondering if anyone else on here has had the same experience and intrusive thoughts. Is it possible to know that someone should be the future father of your children, or are my ovaries doing the talking?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/08/2015 17:58

You say you've known him for around a year, but how long have you been a couple?

Original poster
BloodFlower · 07/08/2015 18:00

Sorry, we've been together for a year.

OP posts:
Bullshitbingo · 07/08/2015 18:07

Horses for courses, sometimes if you know, you know.

But personally I'd need other signs of commitment first. Moving in together, getting married, etc. having children is hardcore, and will test the best of relationships. Get to know this man inside and out as much as you possibly can before ttc. That's my advice anyway.

FarFromAnyRoad · 07/08/2015 18:08

People have children in far worse circumstances OP. If you think you're ready and he's in agreement - well - why not?

Twolittleboyz · 07/08/2015 18:08

That's not a short term boyfriend. Before I saw your post I thought you were going to say you had been together a few weeks. If he makes you happy and you think he is "the one" then go for it!

Totality22 · 07/08/2015 18:10

I've always had the "do you want kids" convo in the early days for all my LTR's - it's important to know we're on the same page.

No harm is finding out if he actually wants kids one day but yes too early imo.

Preciousbane · 07/08/2015 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

x2boys · 07/08/2015 18:12

i married dh six months after meeting him and was pregnant about six months after that we celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary on monday its worked out for us Smile

Original poster
BloodFlower · 07/08/2015 18:16

Thanks so much for the advice. We did recently move in together, which has strengthened the bond. I think I view it as short-term because my previous relationship ended after 6 years. I know he wants marriage and children, but neither have been discussed in detail as I'm making a conscious effort to hold back and take things slowly. But I do have a strange yet strong feeling that the relationship is more right than I ever thought possible.

OP posts:
GizzyTiedToATree · 07/08/2015 18:19

We had chosen the names of our future DCs after dating for a month Blush.

We moved in together after 9 months and I unexpectedly got pregnant 9 months later.
That was 10 years ago. We are now married with 3 DCs.

Findtheoldme · 07/08/2015 18:22

I lived with DH before marriage but I would not have had a child before getting married. Neither would he. I knew he was the one for me after two months. Been together nearly twenty years and have three children. You'll get stuff about a child being more of a commitment than marriage but parents can walk away from a child easier than a wedding. If you want to marry him, don't have a baby until you do.

ChablisTyrant · 07/08/2015 18:30

We moved in together after 5 months. Married within 15 months and baby born 9 months after wedding. Worked for us. It's a well trodden path. Long courtships are a pretty modern thing.

Original poster
BloodFlower · 07/08/2015 18:32

Absolutely taking on board the advice to think about marriage first, and to have a proper conversation. When the subjects of marriage and children come up I tend to cut things short because I feel as though I should be waiting a few years, possibly just for the sake of seeming sensible.

I'm a naturally cautious person, and I suppose today I'm partly seeking reassurance that I'm not crazy for having these longing feelings which seem overpowering.

OP posts:
daisydukes229 · 07/08/2015 18:32

I have nothing useful to add, just wanted to say you sound like a great couple :)

Degustibusnonestdisputandem · 07/08/2015 18:32

Yeah we moved in after maybe five or six months, married 20 months later, DTDs the year after that Smile as others have said, a long courtship seems to be a fairly modern thing... (Not that either is the 'right' way)

Original poster
BloodFlower · 07/08/2015 18:35

@ChablisTyrant: Was it easy to feel confident in your decisions? I feel as though I could marry my boyfriend tomorrow and feel overjoyed, but I always find it difficult to trust my judgements. I often feel as though I need approval.

OP posts:
chelle792 · 07/08/2015 18:36

bloodflower I say why not. You're in a similar situation to me. I was in a ltr and with my new fella, we are getting married the day after our one year anniversary of our first date. and now expecting a baby
Crazier things can happen. If you're happy, why not progress things on a little quicker?

Ps - I was tempted not to post this for fear of being told we're crazy. But we are happy so...

Original poster
BloodFlower · 07/08/2015 18:40

@daisydukes229: Thank you so much, you've made me tear up :') I feel very lucky. I've never felt as though I'd find anyone so similar to me. Meeting him made me excited about life after what seemed like a long period of hibernation. I'm starting to believe the saying that there's a lid for every pot.

OP posts:
Clobbered · 07/08/2015 18:42

When you know, you know....
There's no big rush to TTC at your age, but perhaps if you are feeling this way, it's time for a serious conversation. It sounds like he has been trying to progress things and you are the one holding back.
With big decisions, I sometimes "try it on" for a few days and see how I feel i.e. in your situation I might think to myself "OK, I'm going to marry this guy and have a baby in 2 years' time" and see how it feels to live with that scenario. I know pretty quickly if it isn't right.

Original poster
BloodFlower · 07/08/2015 18:46

@chelle792 Congratulations :) Wishing you every happiness in the future. I think I also fear being called naive or misguided, but it seems sad that that should be a barrier.

OP posts:
Tangoandcreditcards · 07/08/2015 18:48

I moved in with DP after 12mo, we were TTC 1 mo later, took a little while but DS was born 18mo later, currently expecting our second.

Marriage wasn't on the agenda for either of us, so that saved us a bit of time. Grin

I think if you've been together for a year you should be serious enough to chat to him about it. DP was 39 when we started TTC and keen to get cracking, as although I'm a bit younger, he was as keen to start a family as me.

We're so happy. When it's right, it's right.

chelle792 · 07/08/2015 19:08

Thanks bloodflower. Only 3 months till the wedding!! Eek!

I do think your feelings are very typical. If you're anything like me. My last relationship wasn't great. My ex is an amazing guy but we just weren't compatible and it nearly destroyed me.

My Mum said to me the other day that she isn't worried at all about me marrying my OH but would have been very concerned about me marrying ex. We were together for ten years. Time isn't everything.

Ps - I'm only 28

Original poster
BloodFlower · 07/08/2015 19:33

Ahh, chelle, your story is so similar. My ex was an absolute sweetheart, but there was something missing. I broke it off after months of agonising over what I thought was my ungrateful inability to be satisfied. Ten years is a long time, well done for having the courage to let go of what wasn't right.

Thanks so much for your help. Have a lovely, lovely wedding and future :)

OP posts:
Original poster
BloodFlower · 07/08/2015 19:34

Clobbered, I'll be using that in so many situations now. Great piece of advice.

OP posts:
Georgiedawes · 07/08/2015 19:36

No, I knew my bf was the one after about a month!