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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To never speak to this man ever again

49 replies

derxa · 07/08/2015 10:54

My dad has died this morning. He has been in hospital for two weeks for end of life care. In the past few months his neighbour has been his carer. I have been up at the family home for weeks on and off. The HV advised me that it was no longer possible for him to be cared for at home. The NDN said that I was putting him in the hospital to die.

OP posts:

StitchingMoss · 07/08/2015 12:29

Some big assumptions being made here. We don't know the NDN was being abusive or that he stole money or what the dad thought of the whole thing.

OP, so sorry for your loss.

Original poster

derxa · 07/08/2015 12:31

glogirl i'm living in the house atm and I will get the locks changed because God knows who has a key.

OP posts:

wowfudge · 07/08/2015 12:32

I'm more inclined to think the NDN is grieving too. Sorry for your loss OP

debbriana · 07/08/2015 12:34

It's just for the op to be precocious. Sorry op for bring it up. I still thing the locks being mentioned is a good idea.
Your ndn could be a saint who knows. But at the same time you don't want to be foolish too. As human beings you have to be sensible.

Original poster

derxa · 07/08/2015 12:34

wowfudge He probably is grieving and my father was an amazing character but he has overstepped so many boundaries that I really don't care how he feels.

OP posts:

BoredAdminGirl · 07/08/2015 12:39

Yes Imperial. My dad was dishing out cheques willy nilly (He was 92 and quite muddled. Over a 9 month period, he gave the NDN £10.000

This will be why the NDN is so annoyed then.

Sorry for your loss, try to keep some space between you and his neighbour. You dont need this kind of shit

Original poster

derxa · 07/08/2015 12:47

Thanks Bored (Don't be bored- get a new exciting job!)

Thanks to all the 'vultures' on AIBU. I appreciate every single bit of advice here. It's given me a good perspective. Isn't it amazing to have such a network of good people.

OP posts:

debbriana · 07/08/2015 12:51

@derxa it makes you feel like your not a lone in this world when there is nobody to talk to in real life.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2015 12:51

It seemed that NDN took advantage of a confused and vulnerable man, bet he woukdent be caring if the money was not coming in. It is suspicious and would be seeking legal advice. Sorry to hear of your dad .

Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2015 13:07

I personally would be changing the locks and going to the police. Any decent person woukd nit accept those cheques from a clearly vulnerable person. I woukd not be asking him to the funeral.

Original poster

derxa · 07/08/2015 13:15

Thanks for your thoughts Aeroflotgirl. I'm just trying to work out how not to explode at him. It's just grief talking.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2015 13:26

Of course NDN wants dad at home, because that's his income. No you have every right. Sorry op NDN is not as aulteristic as you think.

ratsintheattic · 07/08/2015 13:51

sorry for your loss OP.

If the NDN had an agreement to be paid for caring then, depending on hours, the amount does not seem excessive to me. We were paying about Â£16 per hour for home care for FIL.

Sazzle41 · 07/08/2015 13:54

OP I am so, so sorry for you loss . Your dads NDN is despicable. Agree with everyone re changing the locks, getting all relevant financial paperwork out of there.

If , later, you can face it, the Small Claims Court now does claims up to 10K. Its a two page form, do it in draft & put a copy thru his door.. with a note that its his copy and if you dont hear re getting the money back your copy is being sent off. He shouldnt be allowed to get away with it & what if he inserts himself into somone elses family and does it again? Peoples MO doesnt change, now he's done it once...

florentina1 · 07/08/2015 14:02

For your own peace of mind, you do have to stop speaking to this man. I have a similar experience, and these type of people never stop spouting their ill-informed opinions to all and sundry.

You know in your heart you did the right thing for your dad.

Welshmaenad · 07/08/2015 14:05

OP I am so sorry for your loss. I hope your dad's passing was comfortable and peaceful. It sounds lovely that you were able to spend quiet time with him every day and in sure he took as much comfort from that as you.

My experience is that plenty of folk have a loud opinion on how a dying person is treated/cared for but its really only the immediate family that know the whole story and can make decisions with/for the ill person. It sounds like the transition to hospital was a very positive thing for your dad and for you, so stuff what the NDN thinks and concentrate on the fact that the move was best for your family, who are the only people who really matter.

LaLyra · 07/08/2015 14:12

I'm so sorry for your loss. Whilst the NDN is probably grieving too that in no way excuse his behaviour.

Sometimes we do put people in hospital to die. I did. I put my Nana in hospital to die with dignity and without pain. I couldn't do that for her at home, even though I wish more than anything I could.

Some relatives, especially older relatives, disagreed with me. They don't trust hospitals and believe the family (although not them) should do the caring, however I wasn't willing to let my Nana suffer just so that I could do the "right" thing.

Totally nbu to never speak to the ndn again x

kungfupannda · 07/08/2015 14:15

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I'd consider calling the police for some advice about the neighbour. Depending on the circumstances, they may well be interested in speaking to him. I'm a criminal lawyer and I've represented a couple of people who were investigated in similar situations.

springlamb · 07/08/2015 14:15

Sorry for your loss. My own df's neighbours were very good to him in the months/years leading up to his death, but at least they were always the first to say 'I think X but YOU are his family, what YOU think matters'.
I think you should change the locks, leave another message about the funeral and expect to see NDN there.
If he tries to come round or involve himself further, just say you are not up to it, you are trying to put the last six months aside and remember your df as he was however, solicitors/executors are rather concerned about your df's financial afraid over the past 6 months which is why you have a lot to deal with and need privacy. Hopefully NDN will prick his ears up and decide to keep a low profile. That is on the basis that you are not interested in the £10,000.
If you are, of course you must take it further and explain that you cannot talk to him but he'll be contacted in due course.
Look after yourself. Whatevér you did, you made the best de idiot you could in the circumstances on the day in question, you gave yourself some peaceful time with your df, don't beat yourself up.

springlamb · 07/08/2015 14:17

Financial affairs
Best decision

What on earth is wrong with my fingers today.

Boofy27 · 07/08/2015 14:18

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sure that your dad's last few days were made more comfortable by getting proper professional care.

The neighbour might be a grabbing gobshite or he might not, it's hard to know. The neighbour might have been working hard to keep your father's farm running and taking little more than his expenses. He might have been shopping for your dad and taking money to pay for that or he might have been taking an agreed sum for his personal care. It's so hard to judge without all of the facts.

He might also be grieving for someone he's close to and said something he didn't really mean in his grief. He might be projecting because he has a fear of hospitals.

Personally, I’d make the most sympathetic and generous interpretation of his words and actions because I’d like to think that my own father was surrounded by the kindest people at the end of his life.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2015 14:20

ratsin op dad was confused and vulnerable and was just handing out cheques to this man. I don't think he was fully aware of how to handle his affaires. Therefore NDN should have contacted you if a care arrangement is needed.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/08/2015 14:34

If NDN saw that your dad is finding it difficult to manage his affaires and run his farm, he shoukd have contacted op or dads next of kin. Tgat woukd be the decent thing to do and let his family deal with tgat. Sorry for bring. Cynic, but I have seen a lot of bad happen to vulnerable people. Reading that thread about this carer stealing £5 the other week, the number of Mumsnetters whose loved ones have been stolen from by carers just left a bad taste.

Original poster

derxa · 07/08/2015 15:41

Thank you all. Have been busy organising funeral- no idea that it all happened so fast. I'm absolutely exhausted. The NDN hasn't contacted me.
Hopefully that'll be the end of it. He wasn't running the farm since my dad's
shepherdess did that

OP posts:

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