Sex in Class

[Lavenderice]

"83% of British kids have seen porn by the time they are 13!"

[PerspicaciaTick]

I found this programme fascinating and really hope that the curriculum can be expanded to find tome to talk about consent and pleasure (and clitorises).

A few years ago, there was a programme with a (I think) Dutch sex therapist talking to teens and parents about sex as a family. My favourite episode involved sending the teen, her mum and her gran off to a caravan for a weekend of bonding and talking about sex. The teen was stunned to hear her mum and her gran talking about their early sexual experiences - but there was a lot of laughter and understanding.

Teens can be such cocky so and so's, thinking they know it all and invented sex. They really need adults to stand up and talk openly and without judgement (well, a bit of judgement around jizzing on faces).

[HelenaDove]

Im 42 and ive never come across the expectation that i should be hairless in the pubic region. Not in RL although ive always gone for older men.

The only time ive seen it expected is when its discussed on this site.

I remember a thread a while ago where the poster had a very painful Bartholins cyst and her DH said it was because she didnt shave

[HelenaDove]

And...........Here it is.




www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2049845-To-be-annoyed-with-my-dh-regarding-vaginal-abscess-Might-be-a-bit-tmi-sorry

[mathanxiety]

These boys are clearly being raised by wolves.

[PerspicaciaTick]

Well they are being raised by the sort of people who feel it is inappropriate for a girl to know what her own genitals look like.

[LokiBear]

Sex Ed was moved into science when it become a more important part of the science curriculum - about 4/5 years ago now. It left a gap - the emotional side of sex. Lots of schools, my own included, are trying to bridge that gap and catch up with the technology. I had my training last year and now teach a course that covers: Body image, self esteem and the media, Sexting, Healthy Relationships (covers abusive behaviour etc), Pornography and Sex. You should contact your child's school and find out what they are doing already. I have a copy of my scheme in reception so that parents can look through it. I've not had a single parental complaint so far, but parents should be able to see exactly what is taught in the interest of openness in order to support the pupils.

[TheImminentGin]

I'm just wondering if, as a parent I can continue with the attitude that if they have any questions they can come to me.
I've been as open as I can when questions arise but perhaps with the huge amount of sexual stuff around young people these days I need to be more proactive.
My eldest daughter is very 'yeah, yeah mum' and gives the impression of being quite informed but she's also quite shy and I expect, like me at her age, perfectly able to put on a brazen face whilst being quite bewildered inside.

[WorzelsCornyBrows]

I think the time for passive parenting when it comes to sex and relationship education has gone tbh.

[bearleftmonkeyright]

I think you're right Worzels and that is largely down to the fact that they can access stuff online. I went on the family tablet used mainly by my kids the other day and found a google search for "what do you call a ladies private parts" . It was my 7 yo DS who had done it via voice search. I have two other DC aged 13 and 11 so he hears stuff from them. Anyway I was a bit shocked, maybe worried about what he could have inadvertently accessed. We do have parental controls but I told him to come to me to ask anything of that nature and I would answer him as honestly as I could. If you don't have these conversations then they will try and find out another way.

[mrsc118]

Questioningstuff me too!

[LokiBear]

These days, I think you need to be more upfront and open about sex as a parent. When I was younger, I asked my friends. When they didn't know, I asked my mum, because she told me I could ask her anything. Now kids will ask Google first and will get an answer. It is great when parents have an 'ask me any thing' attitude, but I feel we must also discuss sex and relationships more in general. Since I started the course I've had kids come up and ask me all sorts of questions. I've always been a 'you can come to me' teacher and head of year. But, now they see me in a different light. I'm not embarrassed to say 'vagina' in front of them, so they are less embarrassed to ask me questions that they might have been embarrassed to ask before.

[SacredHeart]

I just came back from holiday and my room was (unfortunately) above the ping pong table where the children hung out and all I can say is I was shocked by what these children were talking about when they thought they were alone.

These sweet little angels who sat on Daddy's knee by the pool and wanted fish fingers and slush puppies during the day were talking about all sorts at night.

An eight year old (I know as she said her age) was asking if the boys wanted to see her "dick hole" and a twelve year old offered to give BJ to any boy who could get her a cocktail as "they make [her] so horny".

These well well spoken, middle class children.

Not to mention the racist jokes...and of course all had their phones to show pictures, movies, songs reinforcing this sexual behaviour.

[PerspicaciaTick]

I agree with the pp who mentioned possibly watching this programme with their young teens - it could be a really good way of prompting some discussion without getting too personal.

Here's the link (just in case) www.channel4.com/programmes/sex-in-class

[cariadlet]

I've only watched a bit of the programme so far. Thought the boys' attitude was awful, felt sad that the girls weren't able to speak up and absolutely loved the teacher delivering the course.

dd was absolutely desperate to watch this programme, but is only 12(almost 13) so we compromised. I recorded it, we started watching it together but I had my hand on the stop button on the remote control. I only lasted until the boy started reading out his group's porn scenario. I thought I was a fairly open mum. but that was getting too explicit. Maybe in a couple of years.

The statistic in the op was depressing. I was relieved when dd turned round and said "I haven't. I don't know what it is." I hate the thought of her being shown porn or of the boys that she goes to school with developing the attitudes that the boys in the film had.

LokiBear, the course that you are delivering sounds brilliant. I hope that dd's school do something similar - but not just yet!

[bigbumtheory]

I saw porn at 13, no internet at all. It was my best friends brother leaving his wank bank in the VCR. We found it, turned it on and were disgusted and intrigued all at once...

[LokiBear]

Thanks cariadlet. I will be honest, I'm really proud of it. I teach it to Year 10, so 14/15 year old's. At your DD's age, it is more important to promote self worth and positive self image than anything else. My dd is 4 and the thought of her teenage years terrifies me. I really hope I can practice what I preach.

[M2MStamford]

I loved the programme. I thought the Dutch lady was fab. The British teachers they showed were ridiculous - they teach sexEd but squirm at the word clitoris and as for Vulva! One lady looked like she would burst with the shock.
But I've got to say maybe we are all part fo the problem. Lots of here are wondering if they should get books or talk more openly with their kids????
Unless you want your kids to be like the ones on the show Definitely talk about sex. All the kids on that programme have parents even the boys - perhaps if there parents were being a bit more open they might not be so clueless. And how do you think you empower girls to speak up for themselves - parents need to teach and show them how to do it.
Should more explicit/realistic sex ed be on the curriculum?
How many of you regularly use the information you were taught at school?.How many of us have sex regularly?
So of yes course it should.

[milliemanzi]

"She should swallow out of respect", god it was just so horrifying, 2015 and teenage boys are saying that.

[CrapBag]

I thought this was a brilliant programme and loved the Dutch woman. I agree the teachers were terrible. One in particular looked so po faced even when some of the others were coming around to it.

That boy with his jizzing on the face obsession, well it's a sad insight into the mind of teenage boy!

This needs to be taught because the whole consent thing seems to be very blurred in the minds of these teenagers. The comments about how if they had consent for sex then they had consent to come on their face or in their mouth because it's about respect! I mean wtf.

I definitely plan to be open with mine. DS is only 7 but he knows how a baby is made (doesn't know it's called sex though). After a conversation with the mums from school, he is the only one who knows. They all seemed shocked I told him but he was questioning me on why our pets had to be 2 males or 2 females and the whole baby thing came from there. I thought at his age it was best he hears it now from me as it won't be long before he hears a more garbled version in the playground. He just shrugged and said ok. Didn't phase him at all and this is what I want. I was brought up in such a repressed house, I don't want mine to be the same. I want them to ask me anything.

[dansmum]

I just reminded my son that people in movies dont look or act like people in real life, and porn is not the same as consensual sex in a positive relationship. He's 12. He understands that. I understand he has hormones and a smart phone. My guideline was..dont watch anything you know hurts on of the participants and dont expect real girls to act like a porn star until you can perform like a porn star. These are nor casual discussions we have. He wants answers. If I'm not honest with him hecwill only believe the rubbish his peers tell him !

[Stanky]

I saw the programme last night, and I thought that the sex ed teacher was brilliant. I do wonder what things I should be talking to 7yo ds about? He knows that boys and girls are different, and has an idea of where babies come from. It sounds as though the best thing we could teach our sons is to respect other people's bodies and free will.

Ds had a little gf at school, and I did have a word with the child protection teacher at school about it. The little girl liked to kiss ds, sit on his lap and wrap her legs around him. When he told me this, I told him that he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to. He said "But then she won't like me anymore." The school were brilliant, and kept an eye on them at play time. They reminded them of appropriate behaviour at school, and stopped her from taking him into the girl's toilets by the hand. I was glad when she wasn't his gf any more, as she was "too bossy and told lies". But the school told me that he could potentially get into a lot more trouble than her, as he is the boy in the situation. Even though she was definitely calling the shots. I didn't think that I'd have to worry about things like this in year 2, but I'm glad that ds could talk to me about it, and the school dealt with it so well.

I did start a thread on here about it, as I was very worried. One nice mnetter gave me the advice to talk to the child protection at school about it, so that was great. But then someone said they'd report the thread, because they thought I might be a pervert on the Internet.

[cariadlet]

I watched the rest of the programme last night and was so pleased with the turn around in attitudes of both staff and students. It was brilliant to see that the girls - who had hardly spoken in the initial lessons - were so confident and assertive in the paired activities.

On the whole, the boys seemed to have changed their attitudes as well. It was interesting though, that once the cockiness of the initial lessons were gone, they were quite bumbling and awkward. It's going to take a while before they can express their new attitudes and beliefs as confidently as they could the articulate their first ones.

[cariadlet]

I think the expectation that women are going to be hairless has definitely arisen due to the internet and ready availability of porn. I've been with dp for a very long time, but I had several different partners way back in the 80s and early 90s. Not one ever assumed that I would shave.