Thank you cards (lighthearted-ish)

[ChampagneTastes]

Inspired by a couple of threads in the last couple of days. I'm going to come right out and say it: thank you cards are a pain in the backside. Sending them is a hassle (particularly when you've just had a baby or something like that) and receiving them means that my mantelpiece is cluttered up for an indeterminate amount of time (when IS it socially acceptable to throw away a picture of someone's PFB?)

On top of this, it's the obligation that I object to. If someone chooses to send me a gift I assume they are doing that to bring me some happiness, not to demand my gratitude. I send gifts because it's a nice thing to do and it might make my friend smile. Getting annoyed about a lack of thanks rather undermines the kindness of the original gift.

So AIBU to say that it is inappropriate to expect thank you cards and to positively embrace "thanks" via text, email or phone-call or even get none at all?

I feel similarly about Christmas cards but that's a whole other thread.

FreiasBathtub

People chasing a new mum up for a thank you card is ridiculous, it really pisses me off.

We were trying to enjoy our honeymoon and MIL kept calling DH, we thought something was wrong. When he called her back she was just ringing to remind him to send out thank you cards for our gifts to her friends at work!! We didn't even know these people! It was hard enough then.

When our baby arrives are am putting a stop to it. You send a gift to help a new mum out and imo, you shouldn't expect anything but a text or phone call thank you at the very most.

YANBU OP. Writing thank you cards - i am selective and will send the older generation a card, which I know will be appreciated but my friends will just get a text. Receiving wise - once opened and read i chuck them in the recycling straight away. Why do I want a picture of someone elses baby on my mantlepiece? I cant stand the clutter. The same goes for Christmas cards, straight in the recyc. Bah humbug.

I think what most bugs me is that people think that chasing up people to send them indicates they care about manners when in fact it is incredibly rude.

Gosh - well I think you are definitely BU if you don't do any kind of thank-you at all. I always get my children to write thank-you cards, and we send them after a dinner as well! And we generally receive them, although sometimes it is just a text or email, which is ok. Yes, it's a bit of a pain I suppose, but I was brought up like that and was told it was good manners!
I am still pissed off with a niece to whom I sent a rather large cheque on her 30th birthday, and never received ANY kind of reply/thank you/acknowledgement. I did email her, months later, to see if she had received it (I was genuinely worried about the card/cheque having been lost in the post), and I only know she eventually got it when I saw it had been cashed on my bank statement. (Well, I assume it was her who cashed it!)

Oh I do say "thank you" HolidayForever, either when I receive the gift or via a text/email. But I'm partly referring to some threads on here that have expected thank yous from people in difficult situations who did not acknowledge the gift instantly.

I agree that it's helpful to be able to confirm that your gift was received but beyond that, surely the pleasure of a gift is in the giving, no?

Oh YANBU. Like other posters I was brought up to say thank you face to face or by phone. But MIL is very old fashioned . After having a rough birth with DD and being very poorly in hospital for 2 weeks , all I had off her was 'havnt you sent thank you cards yet?? That's very ungrateful'

i agree to a point but i remember sending gift after gift to a friend's (increasing) brood at the other end of the country and never once heard a thing back. i didn't want thanks, but it would have been nice to know if the damnable things actually got there or not. if the existence of cards emotionally blackmails them into acknowledging their existence i am happy with that
my sister would force her dc to phone me. i hated that. i could barely understand a word of their mumblings but had to politely listen and pretend i was following them (i wasn't) - and usually it would be at some bloody inconvenient time but couldnt be rude and cut them off... i was grateful to know they had arrived but would have settled happily for a text
i have get the dc to write thankyous for presents so people know the stuff arrived, so they don't have to fake a conversation, but mainly so the dc don't become spoilt brats who assume presents will always come their way. it is a horrid chore at times but tbh there was a definite improvement in attitude (less entitled) post thanks so i will definately be carrying on!

It doesn't have to be written but I know too many children (once they can write) and young adults that have never managed to write/text/phone/email to say thanks or even just to tell me that the gift has been received that I am giving up sending them anything.

My worst experience was a couple of months after I lost my baby and was very low indeed and one goddaughter's father told off my husband for not sending his daughter a birthday gift. This child or her parents have never thanked me for presents received before this or for the ones she has received since then....

If you are ill or have had a very difficult birth, then that is another matter entirely. Of course people should understand in those circumstances.

But the OP said 'thank you cards are a pain in the backside'. I took that to mean generally, especially as she went on to say "On top of this, it's the obligation that I object to. If someone chooses to send me a gift I assume they are doing that to bring me some happiness, not to demand my gratitude. I send gifts because it's a nice thing to do and it might make my friend smile. Getting annoyed about a lack of thanks rather undermines the kindness of the original gift"

Which would lead one to believe that it is 'Thank You' cards in general that she disapproves of, not just the prompted type.

I always send a 'Thank you' card where necessary, and feel a little aggrieved when I don't receive one, where necessary.

Not everyone is on email/Faceache/mobile phones, so it is rather arrogant to expect everyone to be able to accept this as a form of thanks.

In whichever way thanks are able to be given and received, it is polite to thank the giver for their kindness. Incredibly rude and arrogant not to do so.

I love all types of cards - get well, thank you, new home, just a note to say.. etc. I enjoy sending and receiving them at every opportunity

As long as thanks are given it really doesn't matter via which medium.

To not acknowledge a gift is so rude though.

I have sent thank you emails, texts, calls but not cards. A gift has to be acknowledged, yes, but a phone call is as good as a card, even better i say.

After dd was born(first grandchild) I was overwhelmed with presents.Baby is dressed until at least 2 and half.! Got presents from the lady my nan sits beside on the bus to some of my dad's driving students and all my mum's work colleagues. Even the girls where my husband gets his coffee in morning clubbed together. For me the easiest thing was to get cards and
give them to relation to pass on.Did it for them to so the present was acknowledged, easier than meeting people thinking did I thank them.Wouldn't think less of someone for not getting them.
( also used another mn pethate of newborn photo shoot on cards ... Not with fairy wings /hats etc)

I send them and encourage DS(3) to scribble a thanks too . Not for dinners I hasten to add and probably not for the odd adhoc gift... (That would be a call) more birthdays or christmas really. I have to say I never look for a thank you card, an acknowledgment that it arrived is enough, but if I recieve one I'm generally quite touched! In the minority, I know, I know!

Sorry, but I disagree.

I think not thanking people for a gift is incredibly rude. I don't care what medium is used and certainly don't expect it if I've been thanked in person at the time the gift was given, but I do expect some kind of acknowledgement.

Chasing the thanks is also incredibly rude and I would not do that either, I would just silently judge.

I agree with LooksLike

I always send a thank you card for dinner, overnight stay, party or present and have taught my dc to do the same. It takes a few seconds.

And I think it's rude if people don't offer some sort of thanks - but would never, ever mention it to them.

You never need to get thank you cards.

You do however need to thank people. (You can opt out of that part of the exchange, of course, just as you can opt out of any of the normal courtesies, most of which can be dispensed with but without which everything seems a little off).

A letter (in whatever paper you have) is fine, and there is zero need to buy cards specially. If tyou know he person you are wroting to prefers email, then use it.

But never underestimate the impact of a personal letter landing on the mat (compared to the bills/business/junk that's usually there).

I keep a box of old postcards handy for writing Thank Yous. Never buy cards specially.