To think this is normal?

[VioletPenguin]

We have a 9 month old baby and two teens. My evenings consist of doing dinner, feeding the baby, clearing up after the baby, playing with her then putting her to bed. After that, I'm happy to just have a cup of tea, watch a bit of telly, occasionally have a glass of wine then bed.

My wife works ft but shifts so sometimes she's not home until 9.30pm. Other days she's home all day. She says I am boring, that we never do anything exciting, and this makes her just want to drink and smoke outside for half the evening. She wants to split up because I've asked her to cut back a bit. She doesn't drink large quantities of alcohol, my issue is more with the fact that every night she's just in and out of the back door smoking and I'm bored by myself and I'd like her to limit it to say, 3 nights a week.

Aibu to think that this is what life with a baby is like, but it will get better as the baby gets older? The older two are not mine, so it's my first time having a baby. She's done it twice before. She said she only had this one because I wanted it. Now she's realised she doesn't want the lifestyle of being tied to a baby after all. But when I press her on what she wants to do in the evenings that doesn't consist of standing on the back step smoking, she can't come up with anything. She goes out with her friends occasionally, I don't stop her doing that, and we sometimes have early evening meals out together.

that reads badly. I'm not saying you ARE obsessed with the baby, just that the non primary caregiver parent can often feel pushed out, neglected, and that the baby is taking their DP away from them - whether they fully wanted the baby or not.

It sounds like you're living with three teenagers. It doesn't sound like she has much appetite to work at this. fWIW I have an 11 month old, DH and I might watch a bit of telly or maybe a film in the evening, we go out babyless about once a month and individually about once a month and he gets one week night to do a hobby.

Sounds like she is checking out of the relationship then. Maybe it's time for a very brutal conversation about if she is even interested in making the relationship work.

I think the smoking issue is a symptom rather than than a cause.

FWIW, I spend time smoking in the garden, I just tell my DH I'm popping out and he'll quite often join me for a chat.

For someone who has experienced parenthood before, your wife sounds spectacularly unrealistic about life with a small baby. Most people with a young baby don't have much energy over for doing exciting things in the evening; if she does, how about she gives you a break sometimes so that you can go out? It's very unfair of her to call you boring, sounds like she's pretty uncaring really.

If you are able to get babysitters ( the live-in teenagers maybe?) perhaps you could go out together regularly, maybe local pub quiz or something, or invite people over more often. You don't really say how you feel about the fact that she is working ( presumably in a reasonably stimulating environment) whilst you are at home during the day. Are you planning on going back to work soon? Do you have much social interaction during the day? Are you bored, and hoping she'll provide some entertainment?

Hi OP
Sorry for your situation. So..brass tacks. Are you officially married/in a civil partnership? Have you adopted her kids? Do you own property together? Is she working whilst you are primary carer/are you on maternity leave?
It is normal to be knackered. It is normal for both spouses to need "me" time. It is normal to feel bereft/resentment when you feel you have lost your previous life/existence/identity/relationship. For both parents.
BUT
You seem to be doing all the Wifework
Your partner is coming back to baby already sorted and down for the night. Bliss.
But does not want to sit and chill and watch a dvd or have a drink together or just vent/chat/debrief/give you some adult company when you have been with baby all day?

She is being unreasonable.

My DH gets restless also if we are just sitting watching TV most nights, although he was like that before we had a baby too! He'll got out once or twice a week to play golf or football, and has a regular driving class he does. Whereas I'm on the whole happy to stay in and relax, although I do socialise during the day with DD.
Assuming you don't have babysitters on tap, can she look into a class or something she can do herself? Or have friends over?
Can you sit outside with her?

Have noticed she is sometimes at home during the day. Does she take turns with baby then? Is she bonded with baby despite not wanting to go through parenting a second time around? Does she have parental responsibility?
Can the two of you go to a Mum's cinema morning with the baby?
Who is doing all the feeding shifts?
Can any friend or family help out so you could do a night out and reconnect?
What were you both doing before that she misses so much, clubbing? pubs?
sex

We are civilly partnered but I have no responsibility for her two children, not legally. I do the bulk of the 'wifework' but that has more been my role generally, even before the baby, I did more of the homemaker stuff as she worked longer hours than me.

When she says I'm boring, I think it's because I'm home and not out mixing as much so I don't always have much news etc to chat on about. I lost my job when pregnant so don't have one to immediately go back to and I'm not sure yet when I'm going to start applying for other ones. My friends from work live about 10 miles away so we don't see each other regularly, my family live 150 miles away.

I don't mind her being out at work while I'm home with the baby, I actually quite like not working for now. I don't think she resents me not working, I offered to go back to work and she said that wasn't an issue.

I think, as some people have said, she has unrealistic expectations of life with a baby and I feel a bit sort of cheated about that, because she knew what to expect. She said she didn't want a baby but she didn't want to lose me. I was upfront about wanting a baby from the minute we got together and we've been together 13 years, since her kids were toddlers. We talked about it several times and she told me that although she wouldn't chose to have another again herself, she'd have one with me because she wouldn't ever deny me of that opportunity. I wish she'd just been honest to start with, rather than potentially leaving me a single mother of a less-than-one year old.

I'd like to try to work it out, put more effort into the two of us, but she said it doesn't matter any more, we can't make any more effort and it's done.

It feels so unfair, I don't feel like I've forced her into this situation, it took me 4 years to conceive with various attempts spread out over time, so it's not like she didn't have time to back out. I feel like she's made a commitment and she should try to see it through for a bit longer.

I've made enquiries into relationship counselling, I don't know if she'll agree to it.

I shouldn't have put this in AIBU, really.

Apologies for the Paxman style Spanish inquisition
Bottom line, she helps step up. Or you both accept it isn't working and what the fiscal/access arrangements will be.

God I am sorry. So so sorry.
You could ask to move this to Relationships if you want to. Hang on a mo, dc is latched badly.

Okay I am back. I don't know if counselling will help if she is clear it is over. It feels unfair because it IS unfair. What's worse is you sound thoroughly lovely and reasonable and more than fair/coping. How she would be managing if you had PND yourself is anyone's guess.
You cannot turn back time or the right time to have had your baby would have been 13 years ago TTC and a smaller age gap. A large age gap is a killer, I know, I have ended up starting again in my forties BUT once you make that decision - and she did - you should be in it for the long haul.

The fact that it was you that wanted the child is a worry. Did she go along with it to keep the peace, were things different when it was just you two and the older teens? It sounds as if she really doesnt want the bother of a little one now. Once children grow up, the time for yourself is amazing. I know she works, but before you probably still had time to do other things / go out more etc. with very little ones its just not so easy.
You need to try and talk frankly, it sounds to me she wants out. Sorry to be so negative.
Get some advice about your rights too. Good luck.

Oh and I totally sympathise about the boring bull because I am probably boring right now. Tough tits. What are we meant to do, the Jerry Hall write 3 interesting things down to entertain my partner when home? really?
My other half tends to ask me an open question What's new/What have you learnt today? Knowing I may or may not have spoken to anyone in 12 hours.
Knowing I might have decided to educate myself on random things from wiki/mumsnet/guardian/digital spy/google.
I doubt my answers will set the world alight, it's inane chit chat usually.
A stand up used to shout I WAS THERE regarding lack of new news in a relationship. If she wants you to have gossip, then she needs to do the childcare for you to take a class/visit a distant work colleague/make new friends. Alternatively she provide the sparkling and scintillating conversation.

I think she's seen now her 2 eldest DC are teenagers what 'single life' could/would be like and if she had her DC young (she may be late 30s/early 40s now?) she's wondering what she's missing out on.

Also I know from a lesbian friend of mine that some of them are very much party animals compared to the 'stay at home type' and maybe that is appealing to her.

i don't know what you can do but it seems as if both her goalposts have changed whereas yours has stayed where it always was (baby and family life).

also what the80s says is something you have to think about - all of it and what Ritas post says re you going out.

is it also possible for you to get a babysitter if not one night a week then one night every fortnight so you both go out together?

Am off to make a cuppa. Hope you are okay OP. Reading some of it back sounds very negative and I do not wish to be but just so you know, YANBU. Not unless you are a very very judgy non-smoker who used to smoke But for it to work, both people need to want to try or it is just flogging a dead horse/staying together for the kids/going through the motions. I hope she wants to try. I am angry for you mainly because she knew what babies entailed and if you had wanted to be a Lone Parent you could have made an informed decision about that, rather than having it foisted on you. Need to go now and the park beckons but you are worth more than a packet of cigarettes Violet, you really are.

Sorry to hear this Violet. It sounds like a tricky situation. Obviously you need to have a very frank conversation with your wife about this. Are you heading in very different directions or is this a tricky phase you'll get past?

Oddly enough I'm also gay and had a baby with my then gf who was open about not wanting a child but didn't want me to be deprived of that experience, just as you describe. We are all different but for us it didn't work out. I think with parenting you're either in or you're out and her living with me and dd but taking no part in her parenting didn't work.

That's not the whole story but anyway, we broke up before dd was 1. It was more a relief than anything else. It was fine being a single mum for 18 Mths, I'm not being flippant, it really was. Then I met my now DW who embraced both myself and dd, legally adopted her and here we are, 11 years later, couldn't be happier!

I hope you can work things out op. I just wanted to let you know that you will be ok if you do decide to separate.

Can't you entertain yourself? Dear god, you are not a child!!

What a strangely unhelpful post you are!

You are - not only are you being unhelpful but as you've clearly not read the thread your unhelpfulness has turned to rudeness

Don't worry, I've seen youareallbonkers around before, I know what she's like.

Rita, thank you for all the posts in between bfing and going to the park! The Jerry Hall thing is apt, sometimes I do feel like 'ffs, why do I have to think of things for you to do too?'.

The80s/Superfly, yes, I think she does want her freedom from small children back. But I've been there for 13 years of helping her to raise hers. I got with her because I loved her and I accepted the fact that she came with little kids and we didn't go out much or anything when they were little. I did that for her. And now I come with a kid, she isn't doing the same back for me. She knew this would happen and made the choice to let me go ahead.

Lily, I'm glad it worked out for you in the end. I know it won't be the end of the world, I've looked into the finances and I know I can manage on benefits until I get sorted with jobs etc but that's not the bit that bothers me really.

I can't make any more headway for now anyway, she is staying at her mums to think things over, I'm at home with the teens and baby. She doesn't know how long she'll be gone for. I'd leave now but there's some awkward timing with a guest due at the weekend (my guest) so I need to try to stick a brave face on for that first and then see.

It does seem unfair then that you've done your bit and now there isnt any support for you. Its so sad. I hope you work things out for all your sakes. The older two must be picking up on the tension. Let us know what happens. Take care

Poor you. It seems very unfair that she's left you with all the kids to sort out. I hope the weekend goes ok and afterwards too. I didn't mean to sound overly chipper, this happened to me a long time ago but at the time it was obviously very upsetting and disappointing too. I can fully understand how conflicted you might feel.