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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pay gardener £80 so that we can actually use our garden!

50 replies

fadetoblack · 04/08/2015 21:47

My DP is currently furious with me and refusing to talk. DP has an undiagnosed medical condition where he is frequently tired and unable to do physical activity. This includes looking after our 18 month DD. I do all of the tasks involved in running the house but managing time.between naps to sort out the garden is beyond me. DP has consistently promised to sort it out,but the grass is now three foot high and weeds are everywhere. I want my DD to be able to play in the garden before the weather becomes completely rotten. I have arranged for a gardener to spend five hours getting the garden back to a normal level this week, but DP is livid! Have I been unreasonable?

To pay gardener £80 so that we can actually use our garden!
OP posts:
wetsnow · 04/08/2015 21:48

No! Definitely not. Your dd could be having lots of fun in that garden.

LordEmsworth · 04/08/2015 21:49

If you can afford it, and would get no pleasure out of doing it yourself, then it is a good use of £80, imo...

SanityClause · 04/08/2015 21:49

I can understand why your DP is upset. He feels he should be able to do it, and he hasn't been able to.

But YANBU for wanting it done, and getting someone in to do it.

Perhaps you could suggest to him that once it's under control, it will be fairly easy to keep it neat and tidy.

FarFromAnyRoad · 04/08/2015 21:49

I expect he's livid because he wants to do it but can't - or can't face it. It's probably frustration more than anything else. But you're right to go ahead and get it done - and then try to stay on top of it!

FenellaFellorick · 04/08/2015 21:49

Hard to say.
Can the family afford 80 quid?
If so then no. It needs to be done and you have a huge amount already to take care of.
How many tests has he had? Don't the doctors have any idea what's causing his fatigue?

PinguForPresident · 04/08/2015 21:49

If you can afford it, then your DP is BVU.

Being able to turf the kids outside to play is one of the best things about summer.

Rivercam · 04/08/2015 21:49

What is he cross about, the cost or that you arranged the gardener without his consent? Maybe he just wanted to be involved in house decisions?

gamerchick · 04/08/2015 21:50

Nope.

A strimmer might have been cheaper so it could be kept on top of but that's a good price for a good clear out. Let him sulk he'll come round when he sees the result.

It's likely he's not cross with you more at himself and feeling a bit useless.

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2015 21:54

No, of course you're not unreasonable, as long as you have the money. Once it's sorted your partner will be able to help keep it going, but it would be hard work for him to do it right now and he needs to conserve his energy.

cestlavielife · 04/08/2015 21:56

No of course yanbu. Get it done and enjoy the garden....

Has he been to the gp ?
You are going to need to be tough and set clear boundaries to deal with his illness....get some support. Make sure gp is also getting support for dp emotional side. You could get some joint counselling to air frustrations and work on strategies.

BorderWrangler · 04/08/2015 22:00

YANBU. At the moment you essentially don't have a garden (as you can't use it) so you're 'buying' a garden for your house for £80.

However, I wouldn't be too hard on your DP. If his medical condition is something new, or something that has been slowly eroding "things I can do" for a while then it's possibly difficult for him to admit that this is another thing on the list of stuff he can't do anymore. And it's a pretty basic thing as well.

Obviously I don't know your circs, but I've seen my Da get more and more snappy as the basic 'looking after home/family' jobs that he always took for granted went from difficult to just not possible. I get a lot of "I'll do it... I'll do it... IT'S FINE I'LL DO IT" before the snappy "oh alright, you're right, I can't do it".

It doesn't make it OK to be a snappy dick. And sulking/not talking like you say your DP is, is just not on, and needs dealing with in a more adult way. But I find it easier to take a deep breath and react calmly to my Da's snappy moods when I think about how difficult basic stuff is becoming, what he's missing out on as a result, and how I'd feel in his shoes (sadly too easy to imagine, as I'm genetically pre-disposed to go the same way!).

RhiWrites · 04/08/2015 22:00

Bucking the trend a bit here but my gardener could sort that in 2 hrs for£12ph.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/08/2015 22:01

What is his problem?

Whathaveilost · 04/08/2015 22:01

I think it would be a bargain to get the garden usable again.

I would pay it without a thought? Why is your DP upset

100butterflies · 04/08/2015 22:06

I agree with rhi, that doesn't look like 5 hours worth of work. Unless they are putting bedding in?

MillionToOneChances · 04/08/2015 22:09

I was going to say, like Rhi, that unless there's more to the problem than that long grass, 5 hours sounds excessive.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 04/08/2015 22:12

I think border speaks a lot of sense. Get it done, but be sympathetic around why he's being so narky.

Original poster
fadetoblack · 04/08/2015 22:12

Border Wrangler thanks for your thoughts and I'm sorry that you seem to be in the same boat.

He has had a lot of tests but nothing conclusive has come up...He has had scans, MRI and been to see cardiologist, neurologist and others but they can't find anything that correlates with all his symptoms.

I do try with the patience and understanding but there comes a point where I do want him just to stop being so stubborn as some of his choices I think have a negative impact on DD, like no garden etc.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 04/08/2015 22:12

Massive x-post!

Capricorn76 · 04/08/2015 22:13

I could sort that in less than 5 hrs. I suspect DH is unhappy because you should've got more quotes.

Original poster
fadetoblack · 04/08/2015 22:16

Oh there is so much more,if it was just the grass I would strim it myself and be damned how shoddy it looked. He is also going to cut back overgrown trees and a prickly/ thorny bush. Dig up a dead spiky tree, sort out the front patch of grass too and weed the LOOONG drive. I feel that the price he's asked for is fair.

OP posts:
Needaninsight · 04/08/2015 22:16

You're being an idiot to pay £80.

DH is a gardener and would sort that for you for £30.

You're being ripped off!!!

(If you're Cheshire based, inbox me!!!)

grumpysquash · 04/08/2015 22:17

It would be great to be able to use the space. You could have a paddling pool or a swing and/or slide or a little house.

You could put a BBQ out there - maybe DH would see that as a benefit?
I think £80 is a good investment as you will get a good couple of months use this year and it will be easier to maintain for next year.

Needaninsight · 04/08/2015 22:18

Ahh. X post. Well, for all the rest you've now said, yes £80 is about right!

Just get it done and enjoy your garden Grin

RaskolnikovsGarret · 04/08/2015 22:19

I'm in London and would be thrilled at £80. Would expect to pay about £200 for that. Go ahead OP.