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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you just don't make comments about other people's appearance?

53 replies

TheHouseOnBellSt · 04/08/2015 20:21

Unless it's nice? I mean...it's ok to say "Oh your hair looks nice" or "I like your top!" or ...perhaps it's ok to say "Oh...have you broken your arm?" if it's in a cast...but you DO NOT comment on other things.

A woman I know...nice woman, very sensible usually...today looked at me and said...."Oh! What have you done?!!" and pointed to my chest where I have a small collection of burst/broken blood vessels. I have pale skin so they do show up but wtf?

Her reaction was the same as if I'd rocked up with an open wound. They're obviously broken bloody veins!!!

she's made me all self conscious about them now. :(

OP posts:
Lurkedforever1 · 04/08/2015 22:39

Yanbu. Dd understood at 4 we don't make personal comments unless we know they are compliments, even though it took her a bit longer to fully grasp what comes under the heading of complimentary. I've spent my life listening to females people commenting on my physiche and what they believe my lifestyle to be in a way they wouldn't dream of if I was fat instead of thin.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 04/08/2015 22:44

I get greeted with stares and "why do you have a feed tube?" , "What's that scar from" (tracheostomy scar), "have you got cancer then?" (No but if I did I doubt I'd want to discuss it with a stranger) etc. The worst we have had was when me and DH were out shopping, we got to the tills and DH asked if I wanted to load the belt or bag the items. I went to bag the items and the woman behind us in the queue called him evil for making me pack the bags when I was so ill! I'm stuck with this tube for possibly up to a year... I hate it!

Original poster
TheHouseOnBellSt · 04/08/2015 22:45

Oh God Princess that sounds awful!

OP posts:
Anniesaunt · 04/08/2015 22:49

YANBU I have had my ugliness pointed out to me on a regular basis for as long as I can remember. Although it's true in my case I get upset at being reminded.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 04/08/2015 22:51

I don't half get stared at when I go out to lunch, I can eat but only small amounts as I don't have a stomach now. But people stare because they see the tube and think I can't eat. I have also had people talk to my sister or DH instead of to me like I can't talk for myself. The tube is up my nose, my tongue still works lol. I dread going out in public places but it has to be done.

VerityWaves · 04/08/2015 22:52

If it's genuine concern I can accept but I always find people who say you look tired or such like are being really rude.
What do they expect you to say ?!

scarlets · 04/08/2015 22:59

I was sitting in a cafe with my mum many years ago, when an old man on the next table commented on the moles on her neck, and proceeded to count them, loudly and slowly.

It amazes me, in general, how many people think it's ok to comment on how fat or thin someone is. It is soooo discourteous.

toffeeboffin · 05/08/2015 02:41

Yeah, I used to work with someone who, without fail, always used to see me and say 'Wow, you look exhausted'.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Unsurprisingly, I didn't like her.

Cow.

toffeeboffin · 05/08/2015 02:45

Another thing that gets me is that women find it OK to comment on your breast size, 'Oh, you have big boobs. What size are you?' WTAF?

It's none of your fucking business. I never answer this question.

Iagreewithmrsdevere · 05/08/2015 03:45

DD is 2.9 and she knows "we don't talk about people do we mummy?" Why do some grown adults think every day is "international state the bleeding obvious day"

RoboticSealpup · 05/08/2015 07:08

I'm really skinny with very small breasts. When I was breastfeeding I didn't grow very much and only went up to a B-cup. The woman in the undewear store stared me up and down and asked, with astonishment "How old is the baby?? And you're still only a B-cup?? No, we don't have anything as small as that!!" I actually really love being small chested and think it suits me, but I still think that was extremely rude.

Doraydiego · 05/08/2015 07:18

Grin farfrom
I got that from an ex-boyfriends nan. I was a size 12. I dread to think what she would have made of me now Grin

Toooldtobearsed · 05/08/2015 07:28

I had a mastectomy six years ago. I had a delayed reconstruction and have quite a noticeable scar. It never bothered me, it was my battle scar and I was strangely quite proud of it. I have never worn low cut tops, but some clothes just don't cover up effectively.

On a night out with a group of friends, one leant over and whispered in my ear 'do you know everyone can see your scar?'
'Yes', I said 'It doesn't bother me'
'But it might bother other people seeing it! Get one of those lacy tops to wear under low cut tops - that's what I would do'

She then proceeded to tug my top up every time it slipped a bit to reveal the offending scar. Made me very self conscious for a long time.

lastqueenofscotland · 05/08/2015 07:38

Too old that's horrible.

I fell off a bike while cycling in my late teens and got a huge cut on my forehead - looked a lot worse than it was, but still needed stitches etc, the amount of small children who'd you'd hear going "mummy what's wrong with that lady's face?" Urg.

I just think you keep your mouth shit! YANBU

TheTortoiseAteMyHomework · 05/08/2015 07:39

I have pale and 'thin' skin. Everything shows. Every bruise from the lightest knock, every tiny scar and worst of all my veins. When I get hot you can see a vein which runs down my forehead to my eye and one either side of my mouth towards my chin.

I have been told on many occasions that the veins from my mouth make me look like a puppet/dummy, which they then generally follow up with jokes and unwelcome comments. Twats. Angry

dixiechick1975 · 05/08/2015 07:53

I have a noticeable tracheotomy scar and don't mind if people chat to me about it - if they know what it is they've had one or know someone who did. I also find it an easy way to explain what is wrong - I say I have breathing problems as I point at my scar. I do find it irritating if I'm at an appointment for dd and am asked about it though. I find Drs can't help themselves.

fourtothedozen · 05/08/2015 07:54

My mother came to visit two weeks after my DD was born.

As we spoke she said to me " Mrs X saw you in town the other day and said you look terrible".

I asked her if I really needed to hear that, but my mother's reply was " Well I am just telling you what she said".

Thanks a million Mum.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/08/2015 07:54

YNBU.
That's the behaviour we would expect from inquisitive curious 2 year old babies, not a 52 year old women. I mean of course you might think. What's that if you saw something but you!d never say it.

Baddz · 05/08/2015 08:00

As a young woman I had (still have) big breasts. I used to get a lot of unwanted attention and comments.
Once in a pub a man stdled up to me in front of a group of his friends and said "I hope you don't mind me asking, but what size bra are you!"
I smiled sweetly and replied 'of course I don't mind! But can I ask...how long is your penis?"
He went away.
:)

GotToFTFO · 05/08/2015 08:01

Yep, I lost weight and my ex Mil passed on that my ex said I looked Ill.
I brushed it off with that was nice of him..

Don't have anything nice to day don't say it,simple.

sandgrown · 05/08/2015 08:02

About six weeks after DD was born I went to buy a cot. The lady in the shop said. I hope you don't mind me saying but you look terrible. To be fair I did have undiagnosed PND!

Smcgettigan79 · 05/08/2015 08:12

I got run over and have three scars on my face, 2 of them still had gravel from the road in them and were really dark. I have had them corrected now so they are much better but when they were bad I lost count of the number of people who tried to wipe one off saying 'oh you've got a spot of dirt on your nose'

They were always mortified when I told them it was a scar - I didn't get offended though - they were genuinely trying to help.

MrsTedCrilly · 05/08/2015 08:47

I learn so much from
Mumsnet.. I've always commented on people looking tired, and they have to me. It's not an insult, it's genuine concern and an opener so they can have a moan about why they are so tired.

People comment on my psoriasis, it's fine, they are curious! I can understand why some people are sensitive though.

SandInMySandwiches · 05/08/2015 09:11

In my college interview at 17 years old, the academic told me I looked 'weather-beaten'. Not knowing any better, I just smiled awkwardly. How the fuck can a 17 yr old look weather-beaten?

No oil-painting himself, obviously.

Toooldtobearsed · 05/08/2015 09:33

Ted, I agree that sometimes it is nice to have an open conversation, I think the difference is in the underlying message.

I believe that people comment 'oh, you're looking well/tired/fed up' often because they feel the need to say something, not out of genuine interest/concern.

Then there are the do gooders - people like my friend who need to prove that they are sooooo open minded and straight talking damn you, they will tell it as it is, you will thank them for it one day, you know!

And then the genuine curious/interested person who I have all the time in the world for. I got chatting to a young woman who spotted my scar at the swimming pool and asked if she could talk to me about BC, because her mum had just been diagnosed. Or my nephew who was 17 at the time, asking what it felt like and did I feel the same - genuine interest.

The ones who really piss me off are the instant advisor's. Unbidden, they will give you the benefit of their second hand, third rate knowledge. I have lost count of the times I have been told to use bio oil on my scar