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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Shortcut to family life

25 replies

Bleakhouse1879 · 02/08/2015 23:55

I am a man in my mid 30s. I have always liked the thought of having a family and settling in to family life, however when I was younger I always remained single as I never felt 'grown up' enough to enter a relationship, I never wanted to enter a short-term partnership as I didn't see any reason spending time with someone that probably wouldn't end up being my life-partner (if that makes sense?!). Now I am getting on a bit and starting to creak at the knees, the idea of settling into family is starting to gain far more appeal. I want to be an important part of a families life, to go to work for a reason and to come home to a warm, happy environment and to be wanted and needed, to be able to pass on my knowledge and teach little ones about maths and read them bedtime stories. However I feel that I may have left it too late to meet someone from scratch, get to know them and start a family. Would I be being unreasonable to want to date a single lady that is the Mother of a wonderful child as a way of speeding up the start of my family or should I continue to search for that most illusive of creatures - a lady my age that has no children that may 'one day' want to start a family pour moi? This may sound callous, but it is not meant to be.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 03/08/2015 00:01

You're still young if you're in your mid 30s. Lots of men and women aren't even thinking about starting a family at that age.

But from the little bit you've said about yourself, I can't help thinking you sound very 'business like', about relationships?

I never wanted to enter a short-term partnership as I didn't see any reason spending time with someone that probably wouldn't end up being my life-partner (if that makes sense?!).

That ^^ is totally alien to me and to most people I know (apart from some of my friends who wanted arranged marriages).

Relationships are about fun, especially in their early stages. Their not all about life time plans and projections.

Chill out and live a little.

Tucktalking · 03/08/2015 00:02

Hi Bleakhouse,
It is never too late to start a family. I had my first kid at 35, after being married for 12 years.
It all depends on the lady you meet. Some lady may already have a kid and needs a partner to support her. Another lady may be looking for someone to start a family with. So you need to start dating and find out. Thats the only way. Let the lady's know what you are looking for. Good luck.

ButterDish · 03/08/2015 00:03

Assuming you're for real, start out small, for God's sake, not assuming your sudden desire 'to be an

Iggi999 · 03/08/2015 00:13

I would imagine dating sites are chokka with women in their mid thirties keen to start a family actually.

WorraLiberty · 03/08/2015 00:16

And actually, just thinking about your thread title...

Why would anyone want a 'shortcut' to family life?

Something about that tells me you just want the end result without what most people see as the best bit (the gelling together and eventually deciding to start a family).

Original poster

Bleakhouse1879 · 03/08/2015 00:32

Thank you for your replies. I probably sounded like a bit of geek. The main thrust is, I have always looked forward to the domesticity of family life. Getting to my age and finding a woman without children then dating, getting to know each other then possibly, maybe starting a family is making that seem even further in to the future. Meeting a single lady with a three year old (for example) means I don't have to wait until I'm in my forties before I can take the young'uns to play football in the park, get buried in the sand at the beach or help with with homework etc.

OP posts:

AlwaysOutnumberedNevrOutgunned · 03/08/2015 00:57

This all sounds a bit off, maybe buy a houseplant and see how that goes? If you keep the plant alive for a year then you can get a fish etc

Quite honestly you do not sound like someone who understands the reality of family life, sorry but your plan of Meeting a single lady with a three year old (for example) sounds calculating and grim.

Have you ever had a relationship?

SurlyCue · 03/08/2015 01:03

Meeting a single lady with a three year old (for example) means I don't have to wait until I'm in my forties before I can take the young'uns to play football in the park, get buried in the sand at the beach or help with with homework etc.

Have a read around the step parenting board. All is not as rosy as you imagine. You would be damn lucky to slip into a father role as you describe. Most children already have fathers who do all this stuff with them. It can be quite hard to be a step parent.

Personally as a single mother of two i would run a mile from any man who deliberately approached me because of my children and his desire to "speed up" the family process

Original poster

Bleakhouse1879 · 03/08/2015 01:12

Yeah I may have come across as a bit of a weirdo, that was not my intention I've just not explained myself well enough, but I'll quit whilst I still can. Thank you for your responses and comments.

OP posts:

WallyBantersJunkBox · 03/08/2015 01:15

I agree with Surly.

Just because a woman has kids it doesn't mean that her dating life has to revolve around relief at filling the resident father spot.

Where does deeply loving a soul mate regardless of her situation fit in here op. Fancying a woman that brings something to your life, enjoying her company etc...

I'm second best to my kid for life I get that. But I'd at least want a prospective partner to put me first, or a close second to their kids in the wooing process - you sound as if it'd be obligatory for them to take your slipper size and newspaper of preference.

I'd be backing off miles from you to be honest.

And don't forget most NRP dads won't want you stepping into their shoes and parenting their child I'd imagine.

AdeleDazeem · 03/08/2015 01:23

And don't forget most NRP dads won't want you stepping into their shoes and parenting their child I'd imagine.

^Yes, this is true.

Perhaps OP you should set your sights on a nice mother-of-three widow. The complete family package. You could just step in there nicely I'd imagine.

Maybe even just use the ladys old wedding photo but cut her deceased husbands head out and plonk yours on top.

Original poster

Bleakhouse1879 · 03/08/2015 01:29

Adele, you just made me spit out a mouthful of my tea, your last sentence was very funny. I have explained myself very poorly in this thread and deserve ridicule, I know.

OP posts:

Zillie77 · 03/08/2015 03:08

You don't deserve ridicule at all. You used formal language to explain yourself and there is nothing wring with that. I have a son who has a similar style of communication.

It sounds like you are open to parenting in a variety of forms, biological, step, and that is great. Start dating, find a woman you really like, and then it will evolve as it does. Don't worry too much about the age thing at this point-besides, you might enjoy the baby years and you would miss that if you started with a three year old.

jenkait · 03/08/2015 03:59

Hey, I'm a healthy 37-year-old woman preparing to "go it alone" because at 34-35 was finding men who thought I was too old to be starting a family with! Are you going on dating sites? My advice is, put it out there, be up front and honest that you're serious about finding a long-term partner and hoping to do the family thing in a few years. I think you'll have to beat women off with a stick, my friend!

Timetoask · 03/08/2015 05:13

You are only in your mid 30s, you just need to get out there, no pressure, and you will meet someone.

Treeceratops · 03/08/2015 06:19

As people have said, being a step-parent isn't easy. I didn't like my step-father though as an adult I can see he was a nice man.
DH says that at your age the balance of power shifts and any 'normal' iyswim, solvent man will be beating women off with a stick if he wants to get married and have children. Really, try dating websites and be open. Come back to us in 2 years when you're engaged

UpUpAndAway123 · 03/08/2015 07:51

I don't think it sounds weird that you never committed to anybody you didn't see in the long term. My husband was the same. He was 30 when we got together. 9 years down the line we are expecting our 3rd child. My sister was also similar and was 'giving up hope' of meeting a single man with no children. She met her husband at 32 and 2 years later they are married with a child.

YWBU to date anybody that you wanted but I don't think it's necessarily a short cut to family life. Why not try a decent dating site to meet somebody who wants the same things you do?

UpUpAndAway123 · 03/08/2015 07:52

YWNBU
Stupid phone!

ollieplimsoles · 03/08/2015 08:01

I don't think you sound weird at all op. My husband has a similar way of thinking to you. Although we met very early when we were 17 and have stayed together since.

I'm with a pp who suggested being honest on a dating site about what you would like. I agree you are likely to find lots of ladies who want the same as you, ive got single friends who are in their mid twenties who would love to meet someone like you!

ButterDish · 03/08/2015 08:35

My post cut off early for some reason. What I was going to say was that a friend of mine, who had a child alone in her early twenties and only went back on the dating scene in her mid-thirties, encountered a lot of men like you, OP. She found it about as attractive as women in the past being lauded for having 'childbearing hips'. Like you, most of these men seem to have skipped the ordinary relationships phase, suddenly got spooked in their mid-thirties, and looked around for what they saw as ready-made domesticity, slippers, cosy family environment. She, on the other hand, wasn't ready to be written off as a readymade mother-figure or a 'short cut'.

Can you not see that you need to be attracted to someone as an individual, not for the readymade lifestyle you think she is bringing you?

juneau · 03/08/2015 08:46

My advice is, put it out there, be up front and honest that you're serious about finding a long-term partner and hoping to do the family thing in a few years. I think you'll have to beat women off with a stick, my friend!

This is great advice. OP you'd be amazed how many mid-30s women would LOVE to find a man who actually wanted to settle down and have a family.

Aside from that, please loosen up a bit. You've suffered some ridicule on this thread and my first instinct was to ridicule you too for your old-fashioned language and frankly, quite odd ideas about relationships. You say you've never had a short-term girlfriend, but you learn how to be successful at longer unions by 'practicing' with shorter ones. Being a decent person to form a relationship with and learning how to negotiate and compromise and meld two lives into one takes many people a bit of practice. So get out there, date, and don't worry about your age. You're still young and have plenty of time. Its really worth taking some time to get to know someone, choose the right person and then form your own family. That's not to say that all step-parents have a hard time, but I'd be so bold as to say that most do. Taking someone else's place and taking on their DC is hard, and their DC are often unwilling to accept a replacement for their parent (I was a step-child, so I know!)

crazykat · 03/08/2015 11:06

Being a step parent is hard, really really hard. I love my family but if I could go back and start again, knowing all the problems and difficulties of having a step child I honestly don't know if I would. It's not all sunshine and roses, for starters there's the child's father to contend with, not all exes are happy when the mother (or father) of their child moves on to someone new, some make life downright horrible for you. Then the child may not like you. Even if you had a great relationship with a step child it's highly likely at some point you'll have "you're not my dad I don't have to listen to you" thrown at you.

Mid 30s isn't too old to start a family, my uncle was 47 when his oldest was born and he's a brilliant dad.

There's no such thing as a shortcut to a family.

Purplepoodle · 03/08/2015 11:50

Firstly I wouldn't worry about the women your daring having children. I would concentrate on finding a partner who you can spend your life with. Children are no guarantee - u both might be infertile ect. Find someone who is comparable and be honest about what u would like for the future - getting married, starting a family sooner rather than later ect

TheSnowFairy · 03/08/2015 13:43

bleakhouse meet jenkait

Tucktalking · 05/08/2015 09:49

The desire to do something and the ability to do it are totally two different things. Having been around children can give you a good insight about what this is all about. If you have some relatives with kids, would be good to pay them a visit perhaps and spend a day with the kids.
Being around my nephews and nieces helped me get a good idea what kids are all about. It is a hard chore looking after, and being responsible for a child, answering all their questions etc. Once you have walked into a commitment, then you need to give your time and total energy to it. Going through halfway with it and about turn not too good.
You do not seem too keen on women - just kids - you want to spend time with kids, not women.... am I right or wrong?
The normal course goes this way - you meet someone, you like them, you settle down. Then you have a baby whom you can both look after. You get the support you need from a woman coz clothing, feeding, bathing etc takes the whole day. One partner needs to work and earn money to feed the little family.

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