Wwyd about cousin?
Smataya · 02/08/2015 22:17
Without giving too many details away, in the last 5 years or so I've got back in touch with, and become closer to, my cousin. We both come from the same very dysfunctional family so it's always a bit painful for both of us to touch on relatives who have caused us both alot of hurt. Anyway she seemed to be happy to have us back in her life but if I'm honest with myself she has not made any effort to actually make an arrangement with us for about 2 years. It has been me, consistently, putting a text out there 2 or 3 times a year to come and have lunch at ours for some big occasion like around Christmas or her 50th, or one of the kids birthdays and she's always happy to come and seems to have a good time, thank you text and lots of laughter while here.
I'm trying to think that maybe it's the hurtful family link that makes her feel wary about being in touch to suggest things to do with us, but then I think, well I should get the hint and stop making this effort.
Should I get to hint and just back off?
Glitoris · 02/08/2015 22:23
It doesn't sound to me like she wants you to back off,she wouldn't be showing up and having a good time if she did.She'd make her excuses and not show up.She's just not one of lifes' organisers,I'd say.
I think you're worrying too much.She likes your company,and likes when you invite her to things.She's just not great at being the initiator (for all you know,she could be worrying about pushing herself on you too much!)
marinacortina · 02/08/2015 22:23
No, if she didn't want any contact she wouldn't accept your invitations. As you say she seems to enjoy your get togethers, I'm not getting that she's hinting otherwise.
Some people are just not very good at keeping in touch, or arranging meetings. I'm a bit like that myself, I mean to but the days just slip by and then it's always the friend or relative who rattles my cage first
NorksAreMessy · 02/08/2015 22:25
Well, there you go!
Some people are good at arranging to meet up, some people really aren't.
Thank goodness that you are one of the former and can help to keep this new friendship going. It might heal lots of bad feelings from the past
also, you could always ask her?
Smataya · 02/08/2015 22:34
Thanks all its nice to hear that it's not because she'd rather I buggered off! I wouldn't like to bring anything up as it is still quite a new connection- and with all the baggage of our family I wouldn't want to make her emotional if you seen what I mean
BlinkAndMiss · 02/08/2015 22:51
Ah OP I could be your cousin - I love my family to bits but I'm awful at staying on touch, even when I'm not busy I find making plans quite daunting although no one would ever guess that about me.
If she's fine with you when you see her and usually accepts your invitations then I'd just continue doing what you are doing unless it upsets you, in which case you need to speak to her about it. It can be a bit concerning when it's always one person making the arrangements but again, this is what I'm like with my family and it's not because I don't want to see them. Sometimes we end up in little routines we find hard to break.
DarthVadersTailor · 04/08/2015 01:57
I'd agree with the above - I think your cousin would avoid you, cancel plans last minute regularly etc if she didn't want to spend time with you but as she turns up I would say that's a good sign
I think this post if anything says more about your feelings than hers regarding your renewed relationship with her, perhaps you fear that she doesn't value it as highly as you do? It is possible that as you have connected in adult life again and rarely see each other that striking a deeper bond that would involve her being more proactive is actually quite difficult to achieve. She possibly doesn't feel that proactive maintenance of your relationship is as much of a priority as you do and that prioritising time in a settled life to see you is further down the pecking order than it would be for you. It might be that she's just a bit lazy or forgetful just like I can be with family!!!
The fact of the matter is though that clearly you are passionate about your connection and you should definitely maintain that contact, as well as letting her know that you value her being in your life. See how she responds to this, that way if you're unsure as to how she feels then you should be able to gauge an instinct on this. As you said yourself it's a relatively new relationship that you two have, over time it may grow closer than it currently is or it might always be the case that you'll socialise on the odd occasion but only time will tell and if you do indeed value her then keep being proactive and be patient. Do you live far apart? Do you talk on the phone/via text/online as well as the visits? Are the visits always her coming to you or do you get invited into her life? If you could change your relationship in any way what & how would you change it exactly?
As I know myself it is not easy to reconnect with a family member after many years of them being a virtual stranger. My sister and I took several years to gain a strong connection and even now it will never be as strong as my other sibling relationship simply because we never grew up together and don't know each other to the same depth. We're both not great at maintaining a regular dialogue and see each other far less than we probably should (the distance factor mainly comes into play with us) but I certainly value what we have and I'd say she makes the bigger effort to see each other out of the pair of us.
Whatever occurs though OP I hope everything goes well for you two
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